Random Thoughts During the SAG Awards

Dear Jane Krakowski, If you're going to pull a JLo and wear an attention-grabbing chest-baring dress, don't go all "whoopsie daisy, are those my boobs?" when the camera's on you. As if you didn't know they were out there.

Eva Longoria Parker made a interesting choice to deliver her "... and I'm an actor" speech with her hand burrowed between her husband's legs. Go figure.

Speaking of Krakowski, there was a kind of battle-of-the-cleavage going on between her, Jenna Fischer, Amy Poehler and Kate Winslet. Ladies, please. Susan Sarandon's in the house. She'll bury you every time.

Tina Fey wins for funniest woman. Gee, didn't see that coming. And then proceeds to yammer on about her daughter for a full minute and a half. Why do people think the whole world is so fascinated to hear about their offspring? I don't care if you are Tina Fey—we're not! Meanwhile, Look at poor Tracy Ullman's face: she's thinking, Why did I have to go and time my big comeback the same year as this bitch got so fucking popular?

How much do you love these two? Frida Pinto could teach boobie-flaunting Hollywood floozies a thing or two about elegance.

Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armitage: Really? Since when?

Wow, Jon Hamm is nervous. Still, he looks so much cuter with his hair all floppy like that than he does as Don Draper.

Alec Baldwin: "I don't know who I wanna make out with more tonight—Tony Hopkins or Diane Lane." Bleurgh. Who does he think he is—Jack Donaghy?

Look at Viola Davis in character for Doubt and at the awards. You can't even tell it's the same person!

Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Female. Whoa, her dress is tight. Too tight, Kate! She doesn't look very happy about this. "I'm a bit lost for words, I'm sorry," she says. That's interesting—at the Golden Globes, she had her speeches all neatly folded and ready in her little black clutch. Now she's gone all cotton-mouthed. What's wrong with her tonight?

There, see? Jon Hamm seems kinda goofy in real life. So not Dapper Don.

Meanwhile, Hugh Laurie looks exactly the same in and out of character. Love him. So cute—he reminds me a little bit of Stan Laurel.

Funny how William Shatner and James Spader, formerly handsome men, both look as if their heads have been air-pumped to the point of bursting.

Do you think Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter use the same plastic surgeon stylist?

Sally Field thanks the crew, who "work harder, let's face it." Go, Norma Rae!

God bless Shirley MacLaine! That's all I have to say.

In memoriam. Always a mix of surprise and sadness. I didn't realize half these people had died. Sam Bottoms? Harvey Korman? Rhoda's husband? Aww, Bernie Mac. I remember thinking on election day that I wish he had lived to see Obama become president. Roy Scheider. Aww, gee. And Paul Newman. Now I'm totally crying.

Heath Ledger wins. Of course. Notice Robert Downey Jr. didn't even bother to show up this time. Poor old Gary Oldman, choking up while making his speech. Everyone looks suitably bereft.

All together now: "Heath!"

There's Brad Pitt and his big, smooth, frozen face. He makes some joke about how Benjamin Button's filmmakers saved him millions on plastic surgery. Oh, really?

Here are all the nominees for Female Lead in a movie. I love how the clips show each of them in a haggard state. Look what ladies have to do to win a bloody award around here. (Also, gives them a chance to show us how nicely they can scrub up!)

Now my favorite part: Everyone's face at the moment the winner is announced. And the Actor goes to.... Meryl Streep!

I think Streep's having a hot flash up there. "I didn't even buy a dress!" Hah! It's nice to see her all giggly and girly. "Thank you actors! Mwah! Luv you, luv you!" Okay, that's enough.

The Male Leads aren't so much haggard as... cosmetically and/or digitally altered. Except for Richard Jenkins, who always looks the same no matter what. And Sean Penn looks a lot better as Harvey Milk.