IACGMOOH continues to outdo itself by hitting a new season low every night—but, like the night before, all reality shows are having a case of the summertime blues. Go figure.
Onto the episode. "AMERICA," the screen shouts, "YOU DECIDE" … oh, whatever. Our hosts Myleene, in a fetching pink satin nightie, and Damien, in something unremarkable, greet us LIVE from "the muggy and buggy rainforest," which Myleene pronounces "moogy and boogy" in her delightful Norfolk accent that sometimes sounds a little Australian to me.
A quick recap of previous episode's big climax: Whom do you choose to keep safe, Mr. John Salley? "Myself." We see Janice Dickinson in the background, giving him the horse-eye. In the confessional, she basically accuses him of being a selfish fascist pig. The others sit around going, Wow, how could he do that? Patti's all, "I was kinda hoping, you know?" Hoping for what—that Long Tall would throw the whole game for her? Wise up already. It wasn't Patti's skinny white ass on the bottom two last week: it was John's. What kind of a sucker move would it be if he chose to keep her safe? Nevertheless, Long Tall feels guilty. He hangs his head and mixes his metaphors: "I showed my hand. I made my chess move."
We’re given the voting numbers again and Damien beseeches us a little desperately, Come on y'all, call! It can't be going well.
Next Damien fills us in on what's been happening in camp: "The Big Man is enjoying the Big Job." We see Long Tall sitting atop his plush king's bed, lotusing. He's an early riser, and he wants the campmates to rise and shine when he does. Seems “the elders” wake up early and old lady Janice and the young’uns enjoy a lie-in. Long Tall wakes up J-Dick in a manner that would thrill me to pieces: He bends over her and murmurs, “Get your sexy ass up.” J-Dick, of course gets all bent about it. "I was rudely woken up by Salley this morning," she bitches. Stephen Baldwin tries to assure her that he was far from rude, but she's not having it. "She kind of processes things a liiiiiitle differently," Stevie B. understates.
J-Dick then tells Stevie B. how she dreamt that Torrie had shaved off her hair—that would be J-Dick's hair, not Torrie's—and that she ran into the river and was drowning. Stevie B. springs into Good Reverend mode, licking his chops at the prospect of delivering J-Dick's ravaged carcass at the feet of our Almighty Lord God Jesus Christ. Good luck with that!
He analyzes her dream with the insight of a five-year-old: "Maybe there’s an aspect of your life that you feel like you’re drowning?" This strikes a J-Dick nerve and she starts sobbing. "That was deep," she chokes. "I don't want to be who I am." She fiercely applies deodorant as she shares this. As you do when you're discussing matters of life and death.
Stevie B. is touched. "She's growing on me," he tells Long Tall. "Like a fungus," Long Tall quips.
Now it's time to delve into Torrie's psyche. She feels lonely in the crowd. She can't believe she has 8 more days to go in this camp. Neither can I—I thought this thing was only going to last three weeks, what's going on? Torrie shares that she's missing her family and missing being naked. Oooooh-kay. I think she's trying to drive up her voting base.
There's yet another peurile task that involving sketching that isn't worth recounting. But it leads deftly into the Big Tease of the Night: Patti and John. Are they hooking up? Oh. As. If!
It’s food trial time. There’s a shot of Torrie and her massive jugs. Then a cruel cut to Patti looking, well, haggard. The two teams deliberate. Stevie B. wants to step up for the boys, and they don't have a problem with that. J-Dick volunteers with her usual grace: "Me. Me. Me. I wanna do it. Didn't you hear me? Me." The girls are understandably skeptical. "Do you feel good?" asks Patti. "Doesn’t matter how I feel. I said me," J-Dick barks. There is no discussion, only barking. Torrie can't take it and walks away.
So it's Long Tall and Stevie B. against J-Dick and Patti. The prize is Chinese takeaway. "Holy moly!" yells J-Dick.
The trial involves ropes strung up like a spider's web with each team harnessed together. The goal is to retrieve flags. Not stars? I can't keep up. As the ladies set off, J-Dick belches. "I think that was my breakfast," she informs everyone. Does this woman really have no control over her bodily functions at all? I don't want to know how she'll behave after a Chinese meal. The girls do fine, but of course the boys do better, making like a double-backed Spiderman. They win by 2 minutes.
J-Dick is pissed. It's the show's fault they lost, she whines! It wasn't an even match! She sulks by the river. Everyone bitches about her bad attitude. Then the boys gloat over their triumph and another goddamn teaser about Patti and John. Which you know isn't going to pay off.
Back from the break. Here we go! It's the big teaser reveal. Holly assures us, "Patti and John, they’re definitely inseparable." Some shots of them sitting together, cooking together, la-di-dah. Then Long Tall stares accusingly into the ConfessionCam. "Patti, I can’t be friends with you because you’re not of the male race. That’s not cool." No it's not, John. Can't we all just get along?
J-Dick bitches very bitchily about how she caught them chatting at 5 in the morning. "What the f--- can anyone talk about at 5 in the morning, huddling and chatting sitting in front of the fire?" You, J-Dick. They're talking about you. And everybody else in camp. Patti provides a seriously judgmental running commentary about all the other campmates while Long Tall concurs—"yyyup, uh-huh, yeah, I know!" So much for Mrs. Innocent—politics is so evil, everyone is so mean, they all talked behind our backs, we didn't do anything, you have no idea. Boy has she blown it. I can't wait to see her ass sent home tonight.
Next: A bit of filler in which Long Tall bullies Sanji about his cooking. Then, a pre-ad promo. Oh my eyes, it’s Spencer and his hideous ginger face pubes, and his prematurely botoxed wife. Why do we still have to see them? They're gone, NBC! END it already!
We're live. Everybody sits around the camp speculating about what’s going to happen Thursday. Excuse me, but we need something to actually happen, not a bunch of airtime devoted to talking about what’s going to happen. Long Tall bloviates about chess and family, mixing his metaphors again.
A crocodile turns on its own tail. I know how it feels.
The hosts enter camp. "Hi Mom!" chirps Holly. Huh? Damien recaps Long Tall’s decision to protect himself, making it the third time we’ve been over this. "I came here to win," Long Tall says, making it about 10th time we've heard it. Okay, now that we're perfectly clear about that? "We're here to give you a little bit of news about how American has been voting," wide-eyes Myleene.
"Oh myaaannnnn!" rasps J-Dick.
The votes are extremely close. Here, let Damien explain: "Last time the bottom 5 were separated by less than 3 percent of the vote and the bottom 2 separated by less than 1 percent." Translation: We're only getting about 12 votes a week.
Myleene drops a couple of teaser-bombs. "Janice, you're not in the top 2." J-Dick's like, Huh wha—? "Patti, you're not in the bottom 2." Oh crap. You mean she might not be leaving tonight? I don't care if she belches and pees on everything—I'd rater watch J-Dick than Patti Blah-go any day. Damien pleads with us to vote. Gay Nation, that means you!
Photos courtesy of nbc.com
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