I'm sorry if I spoiled last night's outcome for anyone just now, but come on, why bury the lede? It was frustrating sitting through the whole show as they teased it out, so I'm not anxious to repeating the exercise here. America does not feel the love for J-Dick, and it's not hard to see why I suppose. Oh, and IACGMOOH's numbers were up last night, to the same levels as last week, which aren't great, but right now this show needs all the small mercies it can get.
Last night's episode was mostly filler, but here's what we learned: Nobody wants to go home. John "Long Tall" Salley and Lou Diamond Phillips clap themselves on the back for their immunity status. The teams merge, meaning it's now a game of individuals—which doesn't seem like the correct definition of merge, if you ask me, but that's reality-speak for you. A merge tonight is an empty gesture, though, considering that, in real time, two of the players are already history, so why bother?
J-Dick is really mean and bossy with little Holly, who throws a pail of water over her that makes her face melt. That's the only explanation I can think of—I mean seriously, she looks like an overripe slab of brie. J-Dick's face keeps getting meaner and meaner too: She is walking proof of the old adage that you get the face that you deserve. Despite mega-doses of plastic surgery.
There's a very daft game involving plastic balls and those freakin' stars buried in a mud pit. The players fashion their own costumes, and all the guys channel their inner gay porn star. Stephen Baldwin makes a big show of it and starts playing to the balcony, man-boobs all a-flap. Sanjaya, LouDi and Long Tall win. The prize is more junk food: Pizza.
It's the halfway point and we're live, with Myleene and Damien heading to camp with the results. And it's abrupt: Holly, you're going home. Here's your hat, what's your hurry? Then they tease that the second to go is either J-Dick, Patti Blah-go or Stevie B. Holly leaves to no fanfare whatsoever, just a sad walk of shame over a toy bridge. In the British version there are fireworks and champagne and a loved one jumping up and down to greet the departing celebrity to soften the blow. There's silly banter with cheeky chappies Ant and Dec and a nice The Way We Were montage of the player's memorable moments, and they get to make a speech about What They Learned. And there's drinking! And laughing! All we get on this version is anti-climax. The whole series is anti-climax. How did Ben Silverman get it so wrong?
Next: We have a silly sequence of all the old-timers dropping names as they bore the non-celebrity young'uns Holly and Torrie to tears. Then at dinner, J-Dick and Long Tall throw down over vegetables. J-Dick wants the lion's share of greens—"doctor's orders"—but Long Tall demands a doctor's note first. They argue. It's ugly. It feels like Long Tall is being more of a hardass than he really needs to be, but I suspect this is the editors' handiwork. We hear him explain to Patti later that he won't be bossed around like that by anyone because he's a "proud black man." All I can say is, the editors aren't doing proud black men any favors right now.
Live again, time for the second evictee. Bye bye J-Dick. She takes it in stride. No fireworks, no champagne, no loved one. But Myleene seems genuinely disappointed: "I've loved having her," she says. "Love 'er or hate 'er, you never forget 'er."
She's right. J-Dick was a demon. She was mean, bitter, uncouth, dishonest and obnoxiously self-obsessed. She also provided the majority of the story-arc once the Heidi and Spencer crap was finally put to rest. She got most of the camera time because she was the only one doing anything worth watching and talking about. And it ended up working against her. That's the name of the game, I suppose, but mark my words, she'll leave a huge vacuum in that camp. Life might be easier for them, but it will be deathly dull for us.
photo courtesy of nbc.com
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