Well it’s official: America does not give a rat’s backside about Heidi and Spencer. All those 18- to 49-year-olds NBC’s been banking on were too busy watching So You Think You Can Dance and Wipeout last night, so IACGMOOH slipped even further down the Nielsen chart than it did the night before. Perhaps there’s an argument that all the viewers who came to see the Beige Wastrels didn’t bother to come back after their third and allegedly final exit the night before. But there was a lot of hype yesterday that they were still hanging around the jungle, ready to keep milking their tired old stunt, so who knows? Maybe it’s just the whole concept of this show and its D-Listers that isn’t catching on, Spendi or not. That would be a shame, because with those two cretins gone, it really started to get pretty good.
Here’s what happened: The recap, of course—11 people in the jungle; the Wastrels, “we’re outta here”; the guys pick Patti Blago to save from expulsion; yada yada. (It finally hits me who Patti reminds me of: Frasier’s agent, Bebe. Don’t you think?)
Okay, back to the present. Or, the taped part that comes before the live part later on. Or whatever. The Dimple Twins, Damien and Myleene, welcome us back and assure us that things are getting “wild” in the jungle. Myleene wide-eyes that there’s a big surprise coming later when a new face shows up in camp. Damien quips, “Janet’s had more work done, that’s great!” Ooh! Damien’s getting cheeky. I like it.
Transition back to camp. There’s a close-up of ants carrying bits of bright green fern on their backs. Pretty! The campers are waking up. It’s a beautiful new morning in the jungle. Angelica confessionals that “Waking up in camp without Spencer was like having a rainbow in our heart.” Awww.
J-Dick starts messing around the kettle on the fire. It’s heavy. She spills some water. Apparently—horrors—into Long Tall Salley’s boots. Long Tall’s not happy when he goes to put them on.“You’re not gonna believe this. Somebody put water in mah boot.” Someone fingers J-Dick. “Baby, you put water in mah boot?” J-Dick’s all, “What are you talking about?” Suddenly it’s the Spanish Inquisition. Did you touch that water? Did you go anywhere near that water? Did you look at that water? J-Dick’s not having any of it. Long Tall needs to get a grip.
Then Long Tall wants to borrow J-Dick’s tiny bottle of shampoo and they get in a scrap over that. J-Dick claims she needs the little bit of what’s left. “I got weave and hair, you don’t have any hair,” she protests. Fair enough. But Long Tall’s not a happy camper, oh no. He carried J-Dick’s bag through the river for her, remember? He’s always doing all kinds of things for her and she just lies around being a bitch. He starts yelling and then his mouth goes all blurry because there’s some language coming out of there.
Oh my god. I’m convinced he just dropped the C bomb. But it turns out it was the M-Fing N bomb. Wow, that is harsh. J-Dick comes completely unglued. She is jungle upset. She’s in the confessional, face smeared with tears—not a good look, especially on J-Dick—and quavers, “You don’t call a grown woman the MF or the N word. I thought people were supposed to be over that.” I’m with J-Dick, it was beyond the pale.
But, what’s that? Long Tall’s jungle upset too. After the break: He’s crying.
Back from the break. Oh, hell no, another recap of why Spendi left. Why can’t NBC let this go already? We flash back all the way to the very beginning. Spencer: “My wife looks like she’s having a serious breakdown.” Spencer’s one of those guys that, once he gets married, stops referring to his spouse by her first name. It’s forevermore “my wife” this, “my wife” that—you know the type. Creepy.
There’s a reason for this umpteenth recap. Guess what? The Wastrels haven’t left yet. Myleene tells us with an eye roll that they’re still around and they want back in. Again. “Can’t wait!” Damien lies. Even the hosts have had enough. What. Is. The. Point?
Back at camp, J-Dick is off in the confessional, weeping. The guys pow-wow around Long Tall. “She’s on the warpath, just lettin’ you know brotha,” warns LouDi. He must be catching the street-speak from Dawg. Meanwhile, Dawg thinks she deserved to get yelled at because she’s always lobbing all these subtle little spitballs. Nice. Long Tall confessionals that he’s not the kind of guy who goes around calling grown women M-Fing Ns. He used to be, but he’s not anymore. It’s just that J-Dick hit his red button. Water in the boots and no shampoo will do that to a guy.
Everyone speculates that J-Dick is going to leave the show. Sanjaya can’t contain his bemused disbelief: “They’re just droppin’ like flies.” You got that right, Sangie!
Now Long Tall is sitting in the lotus position in the river. He’s full of remorse. He heads over to the confessional to apologize. We can’t see inside, but we have audio. J-Dick tells him go away; he goes down on bended knee. J-Dick’s not impressed. “You can go now.” Poor Long Tall comes out and sobs into his bandanna, “I feel terrible.” He starts crying a river, right into the river! Actually, it’s a little upsetting to watch. J-Dick had asked him if he’d ever talk to his daughters that way, and that hit him where it hurt. And the jungle’s getting to him, too. Jungle upset is a bitch.
Cut back to the Dimple Twins, who are anything but jungle upset. They’re totally flirting. They call each other fine specimens—giggle, giggle! They’re pretty damn cute together. It’s time for the next food trial. J-Dick pleads bronchitis again and demands to sit it out. I’m pretty sure she played the bronchitis card in the UK version, too, but hey, it works for her.
Damien explains the rules to the rest of the camp. “The deal is,” he begins, “J-Dick is sick, right?” Angelica deadpans, “Sick in the head.” Hah!
The meal this time? Pork! Angelica starts to cry. Bebe is stony faced, as per. The trial involves putting your hand into a hole in a rock wall. There are stars to be retrieved in there. As well as…. Critters! Are you getting the hang of this? Long Tall steps up, with Frangie. Their holes contain tarantulas. Not good news for the arachnophobe. Long Tall’s hand is in and out quick, like a little hen-peck—he even does a chicken dance. Frangie hops around and screams like she’s in Saw VI. Long Tall goes into zen mode and keeps his hand in there this time. He is conquering his fears! Just like he said he came to the jungle to do. I guess after the confrontation with J-Dick, he can face anything now. Long Tall is unhooking his star while psyching out a screaming Frangie into the bargain. He’s got some tricks up his sleeve; he likes to get into people’s heads. It works: He wins.
Next: LouDi and Torrie after the break. Back from the break, we stop in with the Dimple Twins first. They’re flirting some more. In fact, Myleene looks a little disheveled, she’s got some bedhead going on. What have they been up to during the break?
LouDi and Torrie get rats. They’re both getting bitten. Torrie completely loses it and bails. There’s blood on her hand. What? You’ve got to be kidding. Must have been some waiver those contestants signed for this show. LouDi’s hand is getting gnawed to a stump. He mans up, though, and gets the star. Then we see a medic rush over. This is nuts.
Next, Bebe and Sangie. I can’t even tell what’s in their hole—fish? Eels? Whatever, it’s over quickly. Bebe wins. There goes Sangie’s winning streak. Now it’s Angelica and Dawg. Angelica goes in talking a big game but buckles instantly. Cow dung and earth worms! Frangie screams at her girl, “Get in there!” Myleene wants Angelica to win for the ladies so badly, she starts coaching her—“The stars on a coil! It’s on a coil!” Dawg wins. He gloats. It's not pretty.
Frangie and Long Tall are up again. She is hilarious right now. She’s so squeamish she can’t even get her hand in the hole. Long Tall creams it. The guys win again. Rice and beans for the ladies for the third day in a row.
Torrie gets back to camp and has a delayed reaction over her bitten fingers and breaks down. J-Dick is relaxing a nice little safari ensemble, looking like she’s just had a nice steam and a facial. LouDi comes back from the sick bay with his entire hand bandaged. He’s being all hard about it and starts talking about how his dad did two tours in Nam. Whatever you say, LouDi. J-Dick sneers and reminds us for the second time that she dated Rambo, and that LouDi ain’t no Rambo. Presumably, Stallone was in character the whole time those two went out.
Now it’s time for the mystery guest. Holy cow, it’s Daniel, the craziest of all the Baldwin brothers. Dawg is gobsmacked. He confesses that bringing Daniel into the jungle unexpectedly like that is “a gnarly jedi mind trick.” J-Dick is loving this new campmate. “They always have a hot backup,” she yells. She’s been here before, you guys. She knows.
Oh holy lord. We’re live, and Heidi and Spencer are back eating humble pie. Spencer monotones some bullshit about how he lost his mind while Heidi twirls her hair and admits in her grating Auto Voice that they took the opportunity to do this show for granite. I think she means granted. But they’re not allowed to simply waltz back in this time: It’s up to a vote back at camp.
Damien leads us back through the jungle to camp. “How are we?” he asks rhetorically. “Missing my kids!” bellows J-Dick. “I’m missing my kids,” mutters Bebe a little sourly, as if J-Dick is hogging all the kid-missing around there. Damien warns them that they’re live, so watch the language—especially J-Dick. Excuse me, but was she the one who called somebody a M-Fing N? I don’t think so. Damien tells the camp about the return of the Beige Wastrels and the vote. “There’s no room for them!” J-Dick screeches, but she does an immediate about-face and wants to vote them back in. Suddenly, cacophony as everybody argues at once. The Baldwins start bickering about the right way to vote. J-Dick votes yes. Long Tall jumps up to second her—obviously sucking up to make amends—and then Dawg stands up, just because he’s a tool.
And we’re out of time. I really hope they vote against the return of these two Pratts. But if they do come back, I hope “America”—aka the infinitesimal percentage of people in the country watching this show—gets into the spirit and votes one of them off immediately. Get rid of Spencer, and Heidi will cleave onto his back and go with him. She couldn’t hack it alone. She’s his wife.
photo courtesy of NBC
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