It’s Dancing With the Stars, Week 2—welcome to the show! Brooke Burke flatly thanks us for making them The No. 1 Show of the Season--Tom’s like, “Eh! So what’s new?”
Tonight it’s the quickstep or the jive--a very big deal, apparently, in testing each contestant’s ballroom mettle.
Rick’s LES is all about the tribulations of his almighty size—The Tank has to find some lightness, dag nabbit!—and his career-ending tendon injury that makes his foot go like this:
On the floor: Rick busts out a kick-ass jive that’s all about the ass, actually—Cheryl’s wearing knickers with TUSH emblazoned across her cheeks, which he gives a nice little slap. Of course he comes up smelling like roses—and I sure hope so because, when the dance is finished, on comes that sweat!
The judges: “You have become a contender here,” pronounces Len, who actually clapped along to the dance—which is a bit like seeing your grandma head-banging along to Rush. Bruno: “It’s like trying to get a Californian condor trying to dance with a hummingbird, but you actually did it.” Carrie Ann liked him better last week. She gets booed. Quite right.
Total score: 21Florence Henderson
LES: "Television's Most Famous Mom" wants to make something clear: She doesn’t want to be “Oh look, there’s the 76-year-old who can actually walk”, and she’s not just here to be the “older comic relief.” But, bless her, the quickstep is a little too quick for her. She’s exhausted.On the floor: After some opening dithering in which Corky pretends she’s stepped on his foot, Florence glides through rather nicely, albeit a little limply. Why oh why was she lumbered with this dreadful version of "Suddenly I See"? Not appropriate for her or the quickstep! Who does the song selection for this show?
By the end of the dance, Corky looks pretty knackered but Florence never loses her Showbiz Face. What a trouper.
The judges: Bruno cruelly invokes Driving Miss Daisy; Carrie Ann rubs in the age issue, even though she means it as a compliment; and Len insists that age, illness, and injury will never influence his judgment: He wants her back next week.
Brandy
LES: She and Maks are butting heads. He doesn’t like her doing her own thing and he’s pushing her. They bicker. “Maks, you’re passive aggressive!” “I’m passionate!” Could this be love?
On the floor: Brandy does the jive in sexy Japanese schoolgirl mode, to yet another shockingly naff song, 'Magic'. I’m not feeling Brandy this week—she’s going through the motions, hitting the marks; then, in a silly non sequitur, she does a music video-style solo sequence and walks off at the end channeling Ru Paul or Miss Jay, all “sister-mama-girlfriend-mm-MMM!” Girl, please.
The judges: When Carrie Ann gently reprimands her for not pointing her toes, Maks jumps in to defend her and Brady sushes him: “She’s trying to help me!” They’re like an old married couple already. Len: “You’ll never dance badly because you’ve got great coordination” but calls her performance “a little bit brittle.” Bruno criticizes her for looking like a backup dancer for Gwen Stefani and adds, “‘Okay’ from you is not good enough.”
Total score: 21
Michael Bolton
LES: He’s in a mean mood this week—he has larygnitis and arrives at rehearsal wearing a face mask. He whines about how wee young Chelsie is pushing him and then scolds her like she’s one of his kids for saying “whatever”. It’s ugly.
On the floor: Worst Jive Ever. Clad in a heinous leopard-print jacket, he crawls out of a dog house then virtually just staggers awkwardly around after Chelsie. There is zero sense of rhythm or performance here. When we cut to the judges, Bruno’s rubbing his temples.
The judges: Len: “It had everything in there and probably needed a pooper scooper to finish it off.” Bruno concurs: “You should have kept the bone and gone back into the dog house” and calls it “probably the worst jive in 11 seasons”, which, strangely upsets Uncle Len. After his pooper scooper crack, is he kidding? Carrie Ann tries to soften the blow by commending him for the tragic crawling choice—which, to be fair, was Chelsie’s. Bad call.
Total score: 13(Shocker: Bruno gives him a mere 3. The crowd boos.)
Audrina Patridge
LES: Oh dear. Seems Audrina’s DWTS schedule is harshing her relationship mellow and she brings her boyfriend trouble into rehearsal. It’s a flashback to The Hills: Once again, Drina’s hooked up with a dude that just isn’t that into her. (Because if he was, he’d be there in the audience, now wouldn’t he?) Why does this chick have such bad taste in men? And will poor Drina be able to make it through her routine?
On the floor: Hell yeah. I’ve gotta admit, she’s pretty good!
Bruno: “The show pony is turning into Secretariat!” Carrie Ann: “Huge improvement!” And she says “balls.” Hee! Len: “The best dance so far tonight!”
Total score: 23
(At rehearsal, for comic relief, Tony says he’s going to wax his legs if they get less than three 8s. Bruno give them a 7; Tony’s gotta wax his legs! And Boring Brooke gets it all wrong. Oh, that pesky math!)
Yay! Here’s the band, and here’s my girl!
Jennifer Grey
LES: Well this is a big one; talk about burying the lede. Jennifer Grey had four surgeries. She only found out by having a routine check to see if she was up to par to perform in the show. She had cancer and her spinal cord was suppressed. The goal is to get her doing the jive “without killing her”. Those are some mighty high stakes.On the floor: She kills it. The song is "Shake It", and our Jen takes it quite literally. She's all hotsy-totsy in a champagne fringed number that she works like hell—complete with O-face.
Hey, there’s Jamie Lee again! And thanks to our intrepid friends at Celebritology, now I know why: They’re BFFs.
Total score: 24
There’s suddenly booing in the ballroom, just before “guest commentator” Sarah Palin’s superfluous ringside interview with Tom. Oh how I hope that’s what the booing was about! There she is, all greasy lipstick and hideous Bumpit hair hill. Even Snooki’s lost the pouf, lady—let it go!
UPDATE: Aw, shucks. The booing really was for Jennifer Grey's score—the crowd wanted all 9s, not 8s. The proof, via Mediaite.
I have a feeling that giving Sarah airtime was a condition for Bristol’s appearance, as part of her build-up to her 2012 presidential bid. So I refuse to quote her.
Margaret Cho
LES: Maggie says that after her dismal scores last week, she was persona non grata backstage: “After people would talk to me they would use hand sanitizer, trying to get the loser off.” Aww, that’s awful! Partner Louis forbids her to do the faces and hide behind the comedy this time. She cries, because she’s beginning to discover that she really is a dancer. A much better reason to cry than Drina’s!
On the floor: Maggie comes dangerously close to making That Face again, but I’m beginning to think it’s involuntary in this instance—she’s concentrating. That’s just what her face does. And once the dance starts, she snaps right out of it: She looks happy, she looks light, she’s bouncy and flirty and feminine in her frou-frou New Wave style hot-pink and zebra outfit. What a change from last week! I think she’s the breakout of the night.
The judges: Why they’re so underwhelmed, I can’t figure out. Len wants her to work on the kicks; Bruno wants her to “tighten her buttocks”, Carrie Ann wants her to watch her shoulders and to rein in those facial expressions. “That’s just what my face is like, I can’t help it!” Maggie says. See, I told you! And she giggles just like the Asian girls she lampoons in her act.
Kyle Massey
First of all, I love how Kyle completely brushes off being in the bottom two last week. He doesn’t even mention it—he’s just all about being “twice as good.” I want him to be in the top 3 SO BAD!
LES: It’s lack of endurance. And flexibility. And junk food. Lacey works in some “hip youthful moves” to tailor the ye olde fashioned quickstep to young Kyle’s personality, and he promises it’s going to be the “coolest, hippest, sexiest quickstep of the night.”
On the floor: Lacey wears a gown with a big frothy layered net skirt that completely obscures Kyle’s legwork, so we can hardly tell. The super-daggy song, 'I Want You To', isn’t helping.
The judges: Bruno says Kyle’s a powerhouse, but he needs more control, which seems to be the theme of the night. Carrie Ann says he’s a little flat-footed but “welcome to the new school of the quickstep”—she loves it! Len says Kyle looked as if he was engulfed in a huge feather duster and that it lacked any style but adds, “I liked it!”
Kurt Warner
LES: There are no lowered expectations here: Kurt’s super-cocky this week, he even brags about implementing his own fancy moves. The big showoff.
On the floor: Talk about gung-ho. Kurt throws in a few handclap pushups and launches right in, and his dancing is impeccable—except I’m deeply distracted by his white man's overbite and lip-synching along with the song, 'Highway to the Danger Zone'. At the end, he throws in his Big Move, a salute, which one he’s so proud of. He’s so psyched with himself, he high fives the whole front row as he runs offstage. What is it about this guy that creeps me out? He’s like the aging jock at the kegger shouting “Boo ya!”
The judges: Carrie Ann says he reminds her of “everyone’s favorite uncle at the wedding who’s had a little too much to drink”—another backhanded compliment, it turns out. She’s good at those. Len: “Last week was the outhouse; tonight’s the penthouse!” Bruno calls him “a cool guy who does a cool jive” and declares, “You’ve got it!”
Total score: 21
The Situation
LES: He’s still here. And The Situation wants to dance to club or hip hop, not Brian Setzer’s version of 'Americano'. Despite the hard abs, he dances like The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, all floppy arms and pigeon-toed feet. Not lookin’ good.
On the floor: Not lookin’ any better. He’s all over the place, looking a life-size ragdoll whose feet are attached to Karina’s with elastic bands. But his heart is really in this: The Situation wants to have some class, he wants to be a contender, instead of just a bum, which is what he is let’s face it.
Len: “It was a series of unfortunate events” but still thinks he did a good jog. Bruno thinks he’s a “very very nice guy” but says “you were drunk all the way through.” Carrie Ann criticizes his lack of musicality and blurts out the obvious: “You’re a little pigeon-toed!” Is that something that can be fixed with practice?
Total score: The Devil’s Number
Bristol Palin
LES: One word: Mom. Bristol brings partner Mark home to Alaska to meet her, as if that’s some kind of awesome reward. I call bullshit: This is more evidence that Sarah let Bristol do the show on the condition that the cameras came to her house and filmed her in full Supportive Mom mode—even though she is dolled up in full makeup, big Bumpit-hair and QVC jewelry. And for the third time we see the shot of her apeing Bristol’s big shimmy from last week. And I mean apeing: She makes a monkey noise when she does it. Not cute! When she praises her daughter for getting up there, it feels totally faked.
On the floor: Little Bristol is wearing a very strange lilac bridesmaid dress with long purple petticoats that look like they were sewn in as an afterthought, to protect her modesty. She does an admirable quickstep, but still looks like a little girl dancing with her daddy at the wedding.
The judges: They’re unanimous. Bruno likes her fresh, non-showbiz quality but wants her to amp it up; Carrie Ann says her vulnerability reminds her of Kelly Osbourne, which, yes, is a compliment; Len says she’s nearly there but she just needs to “wow us a bit more.”
Who's going home?
UPDATE: It's between The Situation and The Bolton. Good choices, voters!
And... It's The Bolton. And is he pissed!
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Posted by: True Religion outlet | October 14, 2011 at 03:25 AM
You're probably right that it would have been an awful experience, and they likely would have taken credit in the end for any creative input you had in the process...everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure you're better off where you are now! It also sounds like you learned from it, so that's invaluable!
Posted by: Puma Outlet Store | October 12, 2011 at 03:47 AM