I'm really annoyed. I want to know what the judges have against Margaret Cho that they keep giving her The Devil's Number week after week. She is not worse than Bristol the Dancing Plank or rubber-legged dunderhead The Situation, yet both get higher scores. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
It's Week 3. And it’s Story Night. You remember Story Night: It was the theme last season that brought us the nightmarish spectacle of a ghoulish-looking Kate Gosselin doing the paso doble to 'Paparazzi'—a sight we'd all sooner forget, but of course, ABC has to show us once again. So, in case you missed it: Enjoy.
Will this season's stars manage a trainwreck of such epic proportions?
Here they come down the stairs, all in some manner of extreme costume—our dear Margaret Cho being the most extreme in a fringed rainbow flag frock and a yellow-feathered headdress that's just this side of insane.
Bristol’s in a sparkly raincoat, Florence is channeling Maria from The Sound of Music, and Jennifer Grey is dressed like... Sarah Palin? Is this a wink to last week's Boogate?
Now that there are only 10 couples left, there’s more time to fill in this bloated two-hour timeslot—which really should be reduced to 90 minutes by now—so we get a super-cheesy opening number by a bunch of Russian dancers known as The Pros. Time to fast forward.
Onto the dancers. First up is Movie Star Jennifer Grey.
Last week's score: 24
The Story: Derek is hot for teacher. And he’s got some real-life experience: He had a crush on “Mrs. Foxy” when he was at in the third grade. Aww. All Jennifer has to do is be hot, which she doesn't seem to have any problem with.
Low Expectations Sequence: They’re doing the samba, it’s hard, Derek’s pushing her, Jennifer’s fried. But don’t worry: This chick has drive; she wants to stay on the top of that leader board so she’s gonna "kick this samba in its aaaaaasssss." (That's how she says it. It's a little creepy.)
On the floor: Kinky! Jennifer is Naughty Teacher, lashing young Derek with a ruler, dragging him by the ear, and then stripping off her sweater to reveal… a blouse that looks like it was attacked by wolves. Also: Those weird, chap-like fringed trousers. The dance, however, looks flawless.
The judges: Len loves the story and the choreography, but is concerned with the little “twiddly bit” that happened at some point that I sure didn’t notice. Bruno: "You are the sexy mistress of Cougar Town’s Academy of Samba!" but he nitpicks about getting tangled in the roll and something about a pivot, which I also didn’t notice. Carrie Ann: "Tonight you were slightly out of sync... And you had a big mess up in the middle.” Still, they get three 8s.
America’s Favorite TV Mom Florence Henderson
Last week's score: 20
The Story: Surprise! They’ll be dancing to 'Edelweiss' from The Sound of Music. And guess what: Flo played Maria on Broadway wayyyy back in the 60s. And excuse me, look at her, she hasn’t changed a bit!
LES: Florence has never done a waltz like this, but seems pretty confident with this one—even though she's wearing a terrible striped sweater that looks straight out of Carol Brady's wardrobe. Then she starts talking about her late husband, John, whom she’s reminded of while practicing the waltz and when she talks about how she misses him, my eyes starts stinging. Consider my heartstrings plucked.
On the floor: Oh crap, after this slow, sad version of 'Edelweiss', le deluge. This song always makes me cry when I'm watching The Sound of Music, but while watching DWTS? I am so ashamed! Maybe it’s the wine. Anyway, I think Flo’s dance is beautiful: She glides and she twirls and she spins on one foot with the toes of her other foot nicely pointed. Very classy. Plus, she and Corky look like a little waltzing couple that used to come out of my parent’s old cuckoo clock on the half hour.
The judges: Each has praise with a caveat. Bruno: "Simple, effective, very very sweet." But: “You were stopping to get into a figure and then starting again." Carrie Ann: "I definitely think John is smiling down on you. Really touching..." But: "A little on the simple side." Len: "It was poignant, it was emotional, it was sweet." But: "The technique in your feet is nonexistent." He gets booed. And, no, Sarah Palin is nowhere to be seen.
Total score: 20. Flo gets only a 6 from Len. That’s rough; clearly, her flirting with him isn’t working.
Oh look, in the audience, it’s Kelly and Sharon Osbourne! I must say I love Kelly’s look these days. The platinum hair is working for her, and I am loving her on Fashion Police. Sharon, meanwhile—hair’s a little bouffy, girl! And the waxy face! She needs to take it all down a notch.
Superbowl MVP Kurt Warner
Last week’s score: 21The Story: Someone’s having a bad day. Because their song is 'Bad Day.'
LES: Kurt’s a big guy. Can he be graceful and elegant or will he look like "a big tree running around on the dance floor"? Anna decides the perfect practice for him will be a little tea party with his two adorable blonde daughters and a plastic infant.
On the floor: There’s a Singin' in the Rain thing going on, with a brolly, some rain and, inexplicably, a red phone box. Kurt plays the guy who says “Come on, luv, smile, it may never ’appen!” to Anna’s surly Russian spy. Then he does a solo twirl with his umbrella, hoping, I guess, to evoke Gene Kelly. Not in this lifetime.
The judges: Carrie Ann: "It was so charming!" Len says it was lacking musicality through the arms but “everything else was penthouse.” Bruno liked the Brief Encounter scenario but he nearly clocks Len while imitating Kurt’s “frying pan hands.”
The score: 23. Bruno brandishes the lone 7 with some relish.
Comedian Margaret Cho
Last week’s score: 18
The story: It's all about expressing pride, happiness and joy. And coming out!
LES: How is Maggie going to control The Face? Not only that, she’s on tour and rehearsing all at the same time. She's knackered.
On the floor: The song is 'Copacabana,' which totally explains the yellow feathers in her hair. Cute! And she is shakin’ that rainbow-flag dress! Maggie can do the hips, she’s all fluid and bouncy and happy, and not a Dragon Face in sight. She messes up the footwork pretty badly halfway through, but seems to bounce right back, which can’t be easy. They end with a bang of rainbow streamers, which she didn't seem to be expecting: She's tickled pink.
Look how cute her moms and pops are!
The judges: Len was encouraged at the start by the rhythm and hip action but “you lost it in the middle.” Bruno: "I praise you for wearing the rainbow flag, keep waving it, girl!" But: “You lost your timing.” Carrie Ann loved the story but “you lost control, it was like 'release the beast!'” Oh, bitch-bitch-bitch!
The Hills’ Star Audrina Patridge
Last week’s score: 23The Story: A marine comes home to his wife in a dream. I think.
LES: This dance, a waltz, needs some serious emotion, and Audrina says she’s not used to showing her emotions. This from the girl who cried throughout rehearsal last week over her boyfriend, and never stopped blubbering over Justin Bobby on The Hills. Another problem: She’s got to try to figure out how to dance with these weird flesh bubbles under her arms.
On the floor: Drina’s a natural—she makes it look effortless. The arms are gorgeous, and look, no flesh bubbles! But sorry, the face is still dead.
The judges: Bruno: "Beautifully danced and beautifully played—a hit!" Carrie Ann has a quibble over her toe pointing but "the competition just got very interesting." Len prematurely announces: "That was the most touching dance of the night," even though we still have five dances to go.
The score: 26. Drina gets two 9s!
And now, a quick cut to my girl in the backup band.
Teen Activist Bristol Palin
The Story: Partner Mark is a homeless person; Bristol takes pity.
LES: Bristol’s scared to death and nervous about looking into Mark’s eyes and doesn’t know how to get into character and she giggles too much. Because she’s not a performer, remember? Remember? And she’s a single mom. And she’s traveling around all over the place preaching abstinence. Life is so hard!
On the floor: Bristol discards the sparkly raincoat and reveals... Another truly dreadful, homemade-looking dress. It adds five pounds to the five pounds already added by the camera. Very poor choice. As for her dancing, she looks extremely stiff and uncomfortable out there; she all but lumbers through it.
The judges: Carrie Ann: "Umm... That was a hard one." Uh-oh. She says her movement was quite lovely but the face “wasn’t happening.” Len says he told her to take a chance this week; she did, and he didn’t like it that much. Bruno says the execution is neat and clean, but "you’re not Meryl Streep yet. I know there’s something in there—show it to me, baby!” Oh dear, these scores are not going to be good.
R&B Singer Brandy
Last week's score: 21
The story: The Bodyguard.LES: The tension in rehearsal is as thick as Maks's beard. Tabloid rumors abound that she and Maks hate each other, which they’re both desperately denying this week. However, it's not pretty watching Maks smack her around during rehearsal. No wonder she's pissed.
On the floor: She comes out lip-syncing to this hideous version of 'Put It in a Love Song' and, I don’t know, I’m seeing Brandy the R&B diva, not Brandy the ballroom dancer. There's a lot of solo stuff in this performance: She dances around Maks rather than with him; she does that same chest-shakin’ shimmy she's done every week now; her arms are still snaking all over the place. She’s technically outstanding but it looks too much like music video choreography to me.
The judges: Len: "It had energy, it had punch, good hip action." But Len is very unhappy about the practice sequence: "Slapping her on the arse is not the way to train in my opinion." Bruno: "I’m starting to see the comeback of the diva! Way to go, girl!" Carrie Ann doesn’t condone “that kind of teaching” but “it worked!” She praises Brandy's arms. Didn't I just say there was way too much arm?
Disney Star Kyle Massey
Last week's score: 22LES: Kyle and Lacey are given 'Take It To the Limit' by The Eagles. "Who are The Eagles?" Lacey demands. They chuck it. Hah! They get 'Falling in Love at the Coffee Shop' instead. Now the only problem is: Can Kyle be serious, soft and delicate enough for the waltz?
On the floor: Surprise! Kyle's very graceful: light on his feet, smooth moves, good arms, sober attitude. But then, as they go into a dip, Kyle can’t resist pulling a goofy face at the camera.
The judges: Bruno: "You’ve got the likability factor sewn up!" Carrie Ann: "You just bring the fun to the floor! I loooooovvvved it!" Len: "Your acting level is very high, your performance level is very high, your footwork is atrocious, it’s non existent."
The Situation
Last week's score: 18The Story: Something about a time machine, The Situation 2.0 and FrankenSinatra.
LES: Can The Situation find his musicality, remember his steps and be less pigeon-toed?
On the floor: They’re doing the foxtrot to 'Boom Boom Pow.' It's truly terrible. I’m so distracted by it I can’t decipher what’s going on—there's a giant beaker, flashing light, steam, and a costume change where Karina comes out all gothed up and The Situation, in a studded net shirt, looks ready for an evening at The Cock. There’s virtually no dancing, it’s just Karina twirling off the end of The Situation’s arm as he strikes various poses and walks alongside her. His rubber legs are not helping. He looks suitably embarrassed when the dance is over.
The judges: Carrie Ann: "You are baby stepping your way to becoming a dancer." Len: "If that’s the future, I’m glad I live in the past." Bruno: "In a very weird way, that was very very entertaining."
NBA Champion Rick Fox
Last week’s score: 21The Story: Rick costs his teammates the latest game and he’s drowning his sorrows at the bar.
LES: They're dancing the samba. Cheryl wants Rick to loosen up those hips and control those long limbs and be sexy, goddammit!
On the floor: Cheryl shakes some serious booty on the bar—not sure about her part in this story, is she a lap dancer come to make him feel better?—and then, whoa! Rick rips open his shirt and gives us full torso. Not bad, but he’s no The Situation, bless him. The audience roars: His booty shake is a crowd-pleaser and a wife-pleaser, too—she’s all “Yessss! That's my man!”
The judges: Len: "You’ve gone up a notch tonight." Bruno: "You’ve definitely got the hot cheek... We want to see more of that"! Carrie Ann: "It was hot, it was sexy, it was goooooooood!”
The score: 24
Who? Will go home?
UPDATE: It's between Bristol, who brings zero entertainment value, and Margaret, who brings fun and energy to everything she does.
It's Margaret. Words fail. The Plank lives to lumber another day.
Thanks, I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
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