I'm a little late with this recap: After the judges totally screwed Margaret Cho last week, it was with a heavy heart that I came to Episode 4. Also, it was a gorgeous day today, so I went to the beach. I’m not getting paid to do this, so what the hell?
On with the show. Tonight it’s Acoustic Week and the stars have never been under so much SCRUTINY! They’re going to be judged on both technique and performance for the First Time Ever! Omigod, this is HUGE!
Sheesh! Anyway, tonight instead of the usual wedding-reception-style brass, there are there are violins, cellos, string guitars and an accordian. And… hey look, it’s my girl!
The set’s been simplified, too: It’s a one-ring circus with a small circular stage, and the dancers sell this new concept hard. They tells us all about how it’s more intimate, it’s so much smaller, the audience is so much closer, the music is all stripped down, everything changes, we as the dancers have never done this before. All right, all ready, we get it: The stakes are super-high tonight.
And excuse me, but what in the hell has Karinna done to her lips? Somebody needs to lay off the Buxom Big & Healthy Lipgloss: I know she's going for Angelina Jolie, but this is more Sandra Bernhard. Not cute.
Finally, the dancers.
Kurt
Lower Expectation Sequence: Kurt’s doing the rhumba and he’s married. He’s nervous about doing The Dance of Love with someone other than his wife, so he has her come in and watch. He needs his wife’s approval. He likes to say “my wife” a lot. Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit tragic?
The performance: This doesn’t look like the rhumba to me: Kurt and Anna just seem to be stepping back and forth and striking poses and twirling each other around a little. Also, their song, "Drops of Jupiter' by Train, couldn’t have less to do with the rhythm of rhumba if it tried. It’s just distracting from everything they’re doing.
The judges: Len: “Laterally you’ve got a very nice hip action going there,” but he doesn’t care much for Kurt’s pivots. Bruno is still stuck on the frying pan hands: “You look like you’re catching a football.” Not only that, he didn’t feel the heat. Carrie Ann: “I loved the performance.” But she wants him to watch the arm movement, too.
I love how Len wearily flinches from Bruno’s effusive commentary: He’s all, “Oh my giddy aunt, here goes the bleedn’ Italian flappin’ ’is arms again.”
The scores
Technique: 15
Performance: 19
Total: 34 out of 60
Brandy
LES: Brandy can’t do a sexy rhumba when big bully Maks does nothing but tell her how unsexy she is. Besides, she hasn’t been with anybody in six years; she doesn’t feel sexy at all. (Girl? I hear you.) So Maks takes her on a big fat fake date.
The performance: Brandy does the dance in sparkly underwear draped in a chiffon bedsheet. It works for her. But she’s really just voguing here—and again with the arms. Their music, Maxwell's 'This Woman's Work,' sucks. Why bother with the lovely acoustic arrangement and then just lumber the contestant with these shite songs? How are we supposed to know whether they're dancing in rhythm or not?
The judges: Bruno loved the performance: “It was like watching two lovers stealing a moment of passion in a moonlit garden,” but “sometimes your hands were a bit erratic.” Thank you! Carrie Ann: “There you are, I’ve been waiting for the real Brandy to show herself... It’s like your comeback night!” Len liked the fan and the hockeystick (huh?) but the dance was “a little bit hot and spicy for my taste.”
The scores
Technique: 22
Performance: 26
Total: 48
Rick
LES: Rick’s doing the Argentine tango and, finally, his height is an advantage because they get to do lifts. But: The big guy might throw Cheryl right into the audience.
The performance: The song is 'Violentango'—some dance-appropriate music at last! Rick, incredibly spiffy in his white dinner jacket and Clark Gable stache, looks like he’s concentrating reallyreally hard. But he’s got some pretty intricate footwork to contend with here. He pulls off that funny flapping-leg tango move, their moves look effortless—and he manages not to kill Cheryl during the Big Lift.
The judges: Carrie Ann is underwhelmed. “I didn’t feel like the passion was steaming out of you.” Len: “I thought your lifts were excellent. Your legs could have been slightly crisper and sharper” but “all round a very good performance.” Bruno: “It was a little bit like Megatron; it didn’t come across as musical as it could have been.”
The scores
Technical: 19
Performance: 20
Total: 39
Kyle
LES: He of the “atrocious footwork” is doing the rhumba. He likes to make fart noises during practice. How the hell is this kid going to pull off “sexy”?
The performance: And... Back to shite music, 'Nothin' on You,' this time with an extra dose of god-awful rapping. Nevertheless, Kyle brings it. I don’t care how technically adept he is: He makes me happy and it’s a joy to watch him. Just look at him and Lacey, how can you not love them to pieces?
The judges: Len: “Your footwork is much better but it had a stacatto feel.” (Um, yeah, what wouldn’t with that hellacious song?) Bruno: “You always play it well...” but he agrees with Len. Carrie Ann likes the innocence, telling him “your dynamic isn’t really sexual” but “”I loved the performance, you still lit up the room.”
The scores
Technical: 18
Performance: 22
Total: 40
The Situation
LES: It’s The Situation. He’s doing the tango. Disaster beckons.
The performance: Oh dear. But you know what? He gets through it, he hits his marks, he doesn’t make any major blunders, so good for him. Unfortunately, when he lifts Karina, he looks like he's hauling a sack of potatoes.
The judges: Bruno: “You know that was a terrible mess.” Carrie Ann: “On behalf of all the women I would like to welcome The Situation’s abs to the show." Then she adds, "It was a rough ride.” Len: “It was consistent: It was bad throughout.”
The scores
Technique: 12
Performance: 16
Total: 28
Poor Sitch. He looks really gutted after getting those awful scores. He even got a new haircut for this week’s performance.
Florence
LES: Flo has to work on her “nonexistent technique” for the rhumba. She’s not worried about bringing the sexy—come on, she’s FloHo!—and in fact she even thinks she might bring too much.
The performance: Their song, a dripping wet version of 'Yesterday,' is pure sabotage. Even Shakira couldn’t pull off a sexy rhumba to this nonsense. But Flo gives it the old college try and, honestly, she looks gorgeous. I just had a passport photo taken the other day and the result is a tragedy I now have to live with for the next 10 years. I wish I could have looked a quarter as good a Flo looks right here.
Not only that, damn can she move. The woman is 76 years old. Look how limber she is. Look at her leg placement. Look at her hip placement.
Flo and Corky do some serious grinding: They get the biggest cheer of the night. It was fabulous.
The judges: Inexplicably, they look like this:
Carrie Ann: “What just happened? You’re Mrs. Brady! You definitely proved that age is no barrier to how sexy and raunchy and dirty you can be,” but “you went just a little too far.” What? Len: “It was much better than I expected, well done!” Bruno throws around a bunch of adjectives and concludes with a frosty, “I’ve seen better.”
The scores
Technique: 17
Performance: 18
Total: 35
I don’t understand. Kurt and Rick are criticized for not being sexy enough; Flo is penalized for being too sexy. Is this ageism? Mrs. Bradyism? Do the producers want to bump her for demo reasons? I am hating the judges this season; Flo deserves way better than this.
Jennifer
LES: It’s the tango for Jen and she’s got a sore back and a neuroma in her foot yada yada. “I’m sorry I’m so old,” she tells Derek weepily. He pumps her up: “Believe that you’re awesome.” So cute.
The performance: No suspense here: It’s flawless. It’s like watching The Pros—Jennifer might as well just join up as one of the dancers next season. At this point I don’t care about her aches and pains: It’s so obvious she’s far more trained than the other contestants and, frankly, I’m a little bothered by her unfair advantage. Plus she gets the best tango song of the night, the classic 'La Cumparsita.'
The judges: Len: “Excellent techique, great performance skills, a magnificent combination.” Bruno: “A prime-time delight!” Carrie Ann: “That was Uh. May. Zing.
The scores
Technique: 27
Performance: 29 Two 10s—the first of the season.
Total: 56
Bristol
LES: She’s a 19-year-old mom, how is she going to do the sexy dance? Which is pathetic: Girlfriend knew how to do the sexy dance back when she was 16 and conceived her kid. Enough with the self-pity... And enough with the shots of her at home with the kid, too.
The performance: The song is 'Umbrella.' Sigh. Poor little Bristy-poo tries hard to get there, but she doesn’t quite make it work—despite stripping off Mark’s shirt, which is just a bit desperate. Even worse, Mama Grizzly’s in the audience.
The judges: Bruno: “You’re always kind of clean... But your moves never go anywhere.” Carrie Ann: There’s no effort. I want to see you dance with much more intensity.” Len did not like the shirt strip but, he avers, “Your performances lack conviction but I thought your technique was there.”
The scores
Technique: 18
Performance: 14
Total: 32
Audrina
LES: Audrina’s got a lot of botox in her face: It’s frozen. The best she can do is squint. Nope, she can't even do that. Will she be able to emote enough for the tango?
The performance: Their song, Jefferson Airplane's 'Somebody to Love,' is just bizarre and their tango moves look pretty absurd in this context. However, despite her deadface, Drina is technically superb and as pliant as seaweed.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “You seem to lack energy at your ankle.” Len: “It was clean, it was clear” but “I didn’t get transported to a seedy club in Buenos Aires” It’s not hot and raunchy enough for Len. Bruno: “You performed a bit like The Ice Queen tonight” but he praises her technique.
The scores
Technique: 24
Performance: 22
Total: 46
Who will? Go home tonight.
UPDATE: It's between Briston and The Situation and, shocker, it's The Sitch. You know, he wasn't such a bad guy. Still won't ever get me to watch The Jersey Shore, though.
Is it hard to take the lesson and learn for the beginner like me?
Posted by: vimax | June 18, 2011 at 05:41 AM