Tonight’s gimmick is TV Theme Week. This the second week with a “first ever” theme, and while last week’s effort—intimate stage, two-tier scoring—seemed legitimate, this feels completely gratuitous. I don’t know if this is an attempt to spice up the format or what, but I think we're in for a rough ride.
The episode begins with a long-ass prerecorded segment in which each contestant is critiqued in great detail by a different judge. But it’s quite interesting to hear Len, Carrie Ann and Bruno get down to the nitty gritty of each contestant’s strong and weak spots without being summarily cut off by Tom Bergeron. And fantastic to see Len speak so passionately about the talent he sees in some of the dancers. (He kicks off his soliloquy on Miss Patridge with an enthusiastic, if slightly leering, “Audrina, have ya seen ‘er?” Way to keep the cockney rhyming slang alive, fella!)
The judges’ comments are illustrated by slo-mo footage that shows us a lot of the nuance that we miss at home, like how Kyle leads too much with his chin and how Bristol is a “natural mover.” Note to producers: This should become a regular feature to be incorporated into the Lowered Expectations Sequence. In fact, it should replace the increasingly contrived LES altogether, don’t you think? It's getting tired.
Onto the first performace.
Brandy
The theme: Friends.
LES: Brandy insists she loves this song. Like any good soul diva would. She also thinks it’s so appropriate because, you know, she and Maks are becoming friends at last. Brandy seems to be overcompensating for the previous weeks’ tension by kissing and touching Maks a lot. And to be honest, he looks a little skeeved out.
On the floor: Brandy and Maks are frantically doing the quickstep to a version of the Friends song that's sped up to Alvin & the Chipmunks fast. Somehow it looks more like a jive to me—there’s lots of running and skipping and little bunny hops, and it’s all over before it even began. I have no idea what I just saw.
The judges: Len: "I’m so impressed with that, I’m not joking!” Bruno: “You found the right formula. You were on it!” Carrie Ann: “You’re at a whole nother level right now.”
The scores: 27. Three 9s!
Florence
The theme: The Brady Bunch. Sigh. Poor Flo, as if she doesn’t have enough problems.
LES: Corky’s relieved that Flo’s body's holding up better than predicted. Then, for no apparent reason, Greg Brady turns up at rehearsal. Flo reminisces about how he had a big crush on her back in the day, she won’t confirm or deny any kind of “relationship”, they dance together and kiss on the lips and, yuck, I’m a little creeped out.
On the floor: They’re dancing the tango to the bouncy Brady Bunch theme? Oh come on. Flo and Corky are forced to speed through the tango’s intricate moves at a manic pace to sync up with the song and, quite rightly under the circumstances, they ham it up a little. It is so patently ridiculous.
The judges: Bruno thought it was “fabulous” at the beginning but is annoyed that she went “from classic to rag doll mode.” Carrie Ann: “I liked it. You're a sexy senior and you worked it.” But: “Some of the moves threw you off on the timing.” To which Flo replies, “You try to do the tango to the Brady Bunch theme.” Go, Flo, because you were screwed by the music again! Len is kinder: “You have got to Week 5 on merit, it's not a fluke. I think that's possibly your best dance so far.”
The scores: 21.
Kurt
The theme: Bewitched
LES: Anna's from Russia, she’s never heard of Bewitched or Walter Payton; Kurt's never heard of the famous Russian dogs who went into space; gee whiz, so many cultural differences! Oh, and Kurt needs to get his scores up.
On the floor: They're dancing the quickstep. Anna does a few nose twitches. They camp it up a bit and look pretty damn goofy into the bargain. But for some reason, the crowd really eats it up.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “I just think I saw the spirit of Gene Kelly enter the body!” Len: “After last week the only way is up and up you have gone. A great performance.” Bruno: “The magic is back... Brilliant!”
The scores: 24.
Audrina
The theme: The Hills. Oy vey.
LES: Miss Drina brought no passion to the tango last week. Now she's got to do the rhumba. It's the dance of love. That's a little awkward for our wide-eyed, innocent girl. So Tony drops what he purports to be Richard Gere’s little secret: Eating raw onions will kill the awkwardness. Huh? Even Bergeron thinks that's a crock.
On the floor: Drina's rocking her skimpiest costume yet, which by the way is much more I Dream of Jeannie than The Hills. They're not really dancing, they're just kinda moving around and striking poses and, again, there’s such a major disconnect between the song and the moves that I just give up. This whole TV Theme really stinks.
The judges: Len: “Lovely feet and legs, nice hip action, but occasionally you looked a bit intimidated.” Bruno: “Technically you have improved...” but “Don't be plastic, be fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “Everything was gorgeous from the hips down” but “it was sort of still and dead.”
The scores: 23
Kyle
The theme: Charlie’s Angels
LES: Kyle's got to get that technique thing down, so Lacey brings in Kim and Chelsie because... Oh forget it, it’s just too tedious.
On the floor: So who’s Kyle supposed to be, Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction? Oh wait, it's Tom Bosley. Who just passed away, rest his soul. Kyle’s doing the foxtrot to what’s basically a disco song, so he and Lacey work in the robot and the bump and the hustle etc. and, insanely, it works.
The judges: Bruno: “You bring home the feel good factor” but “this was a foxtrot possessed by disco fever.” Carrie Ann: “I disagree! You were definitely focused on the technique and leading Lacey. I think you did a great job.” Len: “That was a joke. I couldn't stand it, I thought it was terrible.”
The scores: 20
Rick
The theme: Hill Street Blues
LES: Cheryl the Overachiever is pissed at Rick for not trying hard enough. “You're pushing me,” she pants at him. Girl’s so goddam feral. So he brings in his boys Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson for no discernible reason and, inexplicably, it calms her down.
On the floor: It’s the rhumba. Rick does tend to stick his booty out sometimes, but this guy has the smoldering down. And as per, he throws himself into character, never taking his steely gaze from Cheryl’s face once. Probably too scared she’ll bite him.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “Officer officer I'd like to report a crime! It should be a crime that you can look so good and rhumba so well. Whoo!” Len: “I really liked it, there's an ease and a elegance about your dancing” but “I didn't really get the feeling of a developing romance.” Bruno: “In a week you went from Megatron to Megasmooth, man.”
Total score: 24
Bristol
The theme: The Monkees
LES: She's still here. And she really needs to loosen up. So Mark takes her to clown lessons. Which is such a waste: Surely life at home with Mom is one big clown school already.
On the floor: It’s The Monkees. So they’re doing the jive in gorilla suits. Geddit? Sad. Poor Bristol tries, she really does, but her timing is way off. She busts out the boob shimmies again, but her face says, “Mommy, please, get me out of here!”
Len likes the monkey suits and he thinks he saw a high degree of performance from her for once. Bruno: “You tried to perform but the technique went down the swamee.” (I think that’s what he said.) Carrie Ann: “I saw a real transformation” but “you forgot a lot of the moves.”
The scores: 18
Jennifer
The theme: Married... With Children
LES: Little Miss Perfect gets a break with the foxtrot, a nice, slow-paced dance for a change. But during rehearsal she whines about not getting it and natters about needing sugar and bickers with Derek and storms out. What a brat. She’s totally channeling her Ferris Bueller character. It was a great role for her; now we know why! Speaking of which, let’s do a quick Then and Now.
On the floor: Yet again, this bitch has the best song. “Love and Marriage” was performed by Frank Sinatra in 1955. Matching it to the foxtrot isn't too much of a stretch. Not fair. Jennifer floats through the dance, as usual, but there's a tinge of Stepford Wife about her performance: She seems a little detached.
Oh, there's Michael J Fox in the audience, and I want to cry as I watch him clapping. God bless him.
The judges: Bruno: “Pristine, elegant, beautifully danced.” Carrie Ann: “It was good, it wasn't nearly your best.” Len: “All a bit too theatrical. I don't think you need to waste 12 bars with a feather duster.” Sage advice, that.
The scores: 25
Who will go home. Tonight?
UPDATE: Well, way to go, DWTS judges and producers—with your low scores and impossibly bad music, you made sure Florence would go home and take the useless, advertising-averse older demo with her. Her heart was in this; Bristol's is not. You officially suck.
that much of this is often due to sun exposure and free radical damage
Posted by: asic shoes | July 14, 2011 at 09:57 PM