I’m Not a Cat Lady

Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew: Tales From the Crypt

Not necessarily on purpose, I caught up with the Season 3 premiere of VH1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew today and I am still reeling from the retina-scorching plastic-surgery-gone-way-past-wrong mess that is Heidi Fleiss, and the so-haggard-it-hurts-to-look-to-look-at-her Mackenzie Phillips.

Just look at these mugs. And trust me, folks, this is nothing compared to seeing them on a big screen in glorious, unforgiving HD.

 

Heidi reminds us more than once that she's 43, because Lord knows we'd never guess from the butchered state of that puss. Poor Mackenzie has never been a looker, but somebody please get that girl a tub of Max Factor Pancake and a sponge. There's no need for a costly, clever anti-drug campaign ever again: Just slap these ladies' faces on a lifesize poster and the job's done.

Yes, this season's bunch is definitely the ropiest yet. There's a true trilogy of terror in scary monster Dennis Rodman, who seems to think he's there because of a court order; super-creep Tom Sizemore, who—hey! casting coup!—was convicted of assaulting ex-lover Fleiss in 2003, and a freshly Saran-wrapped Mike Starr from Alice in Chains, who shows up with a weeping abscess caused by shooting up but still seems rather robust for a drug addict, if you ask me.

 

Rounding off this particularly motley crew we've got the requisite bosomy Playboy model, a meatball from The Real World, some country singer or other and a contestant from America's Next Top Model who's quite pretty but, c'mon, had about as much chance making it as a model as Heidi Fleiss has of passing for 43. 

This show is frequently revolting and vaguely obscene. There's no celebrity trainwreck Dr. Drew isn't willing to exploit, even after his "good friend" DJ AM turned back to drugs and killed himself after hosting his own rehab series last year. And yet… Yeah. I'm gonna have to watch.

 

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Finale: See You Next Year?

As our comely hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass open the show, they announce that it's pouring with rain in Costa Rica—a fitting outcome for the final episode of this soggy version of what should have been a really fun and engaging series. After three-and-a-half long and uneventful weeks, we've finally reached  the bitter end. Three are left—former NBA champ John Salley, ex-WWE sweetheart Torrie Wilson and once-promising Hollywood actor Lou Diamond Phillips—and one of them will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle. Unfortunately, everybody was watching So You Think You Can Dance or Wipeout instead, so this will be a fairly intimate coronation.

But first, let's recap everything that's gone before. No, I take that back, let's not. There's a rehash of pathological famewhores Heidi and Spencer Pratt and their acting out routine, which sucked up the entire first week and has generated plenty of publicity already, so to hell with that. We go back over Sanjaya's and Patti Blagojevic's expulsions, probably for the sake of all the viewers who dropped off over the weeks and whom NBC figured would tune in at least to watch the finale and totally did not.

Finally, it’s the long-teased reunion of rejectees—I mean, ex-campmates—all scrubbed up and sitting on logs. Heidi is velcroed to Spencer's lap and Myleene observes that they both look "so much better” than when we last saw them, and indeed, she's right: Their faces are preternaturally shiny and all plump and juicy—no doubt the results of some dermabrasion and a few strategic pricks of restalayne. Because all 22-year-olds need that kind of help to look rested. We get the old "I'm too rich and too famous" montage and Spencer whooping like a gibbon. Oh enough with these two.

Janice Dickinson has come dressed for the disco in a tight hot-pink number, hair a cascade of shimmering jet-black curls, with a smile plastered on her face like Bob the Enzyte guy. She's so happy to be here! A little too happy, methinks—she's chewing her face off and, well, she's vibrating. She must be on some very effective happy-pappy pills right now. We get a J-Dick montage showing her scowling and hobbling around, unable to "go poo," and instantly, all her efforts to look fabulous tonight are pretty much shot to hell.

Back to camp and the final three. Oh, there's a food challenge. Why? It's over! The votes are in! Haven't these poor starving smelly creatures been through enough? Apparently not. The producers must think we need another fix of snake-and-bug porn. The game is something to do with a spa and it's all, hee hee, ho ho, Torrie you need a shampoo, and she gets to lie with her head covered in all manner of things that crawl as she fishes around for her two stars. John gets a fruit facial, which means he has to submerge his head in a tub of slop filled with something known as vomit fruit. Belligerent to the end, John demands, "Is this legal in America?" and Damien is right back at him: "That's why we’re in Costa Rica, John, we’re breakin' rules. Now shut yer trap!" Okay he didn't say that last part, but his face did.

LouDi gets a manicure courtesy of some great horny toads and a few spiders in a tank. LouDi had his hand gnawed off by rats and tarantulas crawling over his eyeballs, this is a cake walk for him. Next, a hot tub for Torrie, which is filled with wee crocodiles. Oh big deal—we know these croccies are completely harmless. Torrie picks one up and gives him a kiss. And all the men go boinnnng! I gotta admit, it's pretty hot.

John gets a snake sauna. They’re all pretty little decorative snakes, ain't gonna hurt nobody, no biggie. LouDi gets a jungle spray tan, which translates as meal worms. Oh, ewww. He's got worms in his ear. Everyone's giggly and giddy, Myleene and Damien are more chipper than we've ever seen them, they are unanimously thrilled that they're all finally going to be out of there for good.

The final three return to camp all cleaned up, and sit by the fire to chit-chat with the hosts some more. Now they're in earnest mode: This is like nothing I've ever done before I got more out of this jungle and it's still surreal and I would never have quit and get me back, Clarence, I want to live again! We waste more minutes on the ex-campmates who are asked about their favorite trials and Sanji waffles on again about how he loved being immersed upside down in the tank with snakes on that very first night and .... Damien's all, yeah yeah, uh-huh, great.

Back to the final three. They eat their well-earned meals and talk about how much winning means to them. Torrie announces that she thinks she'll be an inspiration to women by showing them you can be strong, brave and feminine. As opposed to the role model du jour, skinny, trashy and slutty. It's an admirable goal but... good luck with that, Torrie!

Now one of the three musketeers has to go. Damien: “The next celebrity….. to leave the jungle forever is…. …. …. ….. ….. …. John." Good. John gets that rictus grin and leaps up a little too quickly, pretending he's excited to be getting home. Even through they're all going home tonight. There's a soupy montage of Salley's Greatest Hits. He simmers down as he watches, becoming gracious and humble at last.

We get a LouDi recap. He’s the good guy, everybody loved Lou, nobody had a gripe with him, and he’s proud of that. He triumphantly proclaims, "I do what I set out to do, my experience in this jungle has been complete." Bravo, fine ac-tor! Time for Torrie. She surprised herself with how strong and fearless she’s been. Awww. She feels like she can do anything after this.

We're back in camp and Damien reminds us the final three have been roughing it for 24 days, and I realize I really lost count with this thing—that's two days longer than I thought. Oh well, my bad. Myleene: "Lou, Torrie, one of you is about to be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle." Damien. "Lou……… you nervous?" Indeed, Lou looks like he’s about to cry. Back to Myleene: “There can only be one winner." Oh come on, we know that already, you've been telling us for 24 days! "The public has decided and voted and I can only tell you two, it has been incredibly close. The winner. Of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here 2009 is ….. …." Torrie? Please?

"Lou Diamond Phillips."

Well of course. The ex-campmates are ecstatic. J-Dick, I think, self-combusts. LouDi gets a shiny wreath of leaves. Myleene says, "We'll see you next year!"

And there'll be pork in the treetops come morning. 

 

The End.

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 21: You Will NOT Lose Interest in This Show

Last night's episode, which contained more filler than Janice Dickinson's, Renee Zellweger's and Madonna's faces combined, hit an all-time season low. So I guess it's in with a whimper and out an even sadder whimper for IACGMOOH-US. And it's no big surprise. With low-grade celebrities coming and going like Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom at Bar Marmont, IACGMOOH never found its rhythm, it didn't know which way to turn. It was a show made up of recaps and insta-flashback montages, with a few random challenges squeezed in between.

So here we are, it's the penultimate episode, and we kick off with, yes, a recap of the night before: Stephen Baldwin the quitter, fake showmance, bug cocktails, Holly goes home. And two more go home tonight! Here's Damien and Myleene, our comely hosts, live in the jungle, chirpy and wide-eyed and a little desperate to drum up some enthusiasm. Myleene's wearing a fetching little coral.... Holy cow, what happened to her hair? She is channeling the Bride of Frankenstein tonight. This is not a good look for her.

They promise us we've got a nail-biter coming up. But first... Let's hang out with the campers as they sit around the campfire and reminisce about their favorite moments and how they've been jungle-transformed.

Great, yet another opportunity to watch sepia-toned scenes we've already seen. The only compelling moment here is when John Long Tall Salley recounts how he found his soul in the river as well as his new BFF Patti Blah-go. Cut to Long Tall lotusing atop the waterfall episode, eyes closed, as Patti slithers soundlessly to his side, like a pigtailed river snake. It's quite hilarious—I have to rewind that bit and watch again.

Hey, it's our friends, the ants with fern. Cut to Lou Diamond Phillips and his granny glasses; he announces: "I need everyone on the benches, please!" Who named him camp leader again? We have a bald-faced product placement segment: Heads up, everybody, the good folks at Colgate think we need to freshen up! Here are some new Colgate Wisp dry toothbrushes, which come in lots of yummy fruit flavors. Everyone oohs and aahs on cue, like they just got lollipops from the dentist. "That’s sweet, Colgate!" yells Long Tall. Good celebrities! Contract fulfilled.

The big finale tomorrow night is teased. Yay, all the people we didn't care about enought to vote for will be back—can't wait! Most of them just left a minute ago, so where's the suspense? Back to camp. Scroll! Long Tall is leader again. He announces the next food trial, Catch a Crawling Star. The campers file over the jungle bridge and head to the Jungle Clearing. "Let’s to get 'em buckaroo!" cheers LouDi. "Arrgghh, harrrr harrrrr!" growls Long Tall. "No, that's a pirate," corrects Uncle Lou. Heh!

There's a cable strung a few feet over the river with five hanging flags. I'm sorry but this is a doddle compared to the challenges in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Torrie has a sudden fear fit, though, crying sweet, pretty tears. She's all scared because she's tired, or something. They go in pairs, Torrie and Long Tall first. They straddle the cable in the most awkward and unflattering position imaginable. Long Tall hurls himself across, but won't take his last flag until the lagging Torrie catches up. Where did that benevolent team spirit suddenly spring from? Maybe the river really did change him.

LouDi and Sanji go next. Sanji makes like Tinkerbell on that cable, ha ha Lou, you didn't win for once, suck it. And then there's Patti. Whoops, they've run out of pairs already. Why in the world did they bother with that? Patti goes solo, and the editors try to fake us that she’s doing a kick-ass job. So do the campmates, who are all "Look at her go!" "She's a fighter!" They pity poor Patti, who flips upside down and starts dropping her flags. Yeah, she’s toast. Sanji and John win. Torrie shows off a stomach as flat as an ironing board.

Quick-cut montage of the remaining five all saying, I will not lose this, I will not lose this, I will not lose this. Since when did everybody stop using the contraction? This has been going on for a quite a while with Generation Valleyspeak—seemingly overnight, it wasn't "don't speak to me", it was "do NOT speak to me." And, as if to prove my point, on comes that super-annoying Verizon Wireless ad, probably the most annoying of Verizon's entire oeuvre of annoying ads, where that fat guy says to his smug-couple friends showing of their new phone, "One thing I do NOT need is a new phone" and then says in his head, "Do NOT set that down, I WILL take it."Like some copywriter seized on that particular vocal trend 10 years after the fact, hammered it into his script and instructed the director, "He WILL say the line like this." 

After this extra-super-annoying break, which, obviously, I didn't fast-forward over fast enough, we get one of the dumbest filler segments so far this season, and that IS saying something: The campmates give each other awards. Fast-forward!

We're live. Damien is in camp to deliver the first blow of the hour, working his dramatic pauses. "Torrie… yewww ….. .....are safe." Yay! I want her to win.  "Lou……. yewwww ……. ....... Are also safe."  Yeah, yeah, come on. "Okay, guys, the first person leaving the jungle… tonight...... is......." Patti, it's Patti, come on, say Patti... "Sanjaya!" Hey! That actually caught me by surprise. Although I had a hunch last night, when he danced his little wood-nymph dance as the credits rolled, that he might have tried the patience of his fan base. Maybe the showmance pushed them over the edge. Life lesson for Sanjaya: Pick a side and stick to it.

Sanji takes a seat with Myleene and her horror-show hairdo. She is a gorgeous girl but even she can't pull this frightwig off. She milks the showmance angle, clutching at straws, desperate to eeke out a storyline, any storyline, and Sanji plays along. Contract fulfilled! We cut to confessional clips of the campmates testifying to their love for Sanji. Wait. Is this live too? When did they film and edit this part? Did everyone have to record a pre-emptive testimonial for each and every remaining campmate the day before? It doesn't matter at this late stage, I give up trying to figure out this stuff. Sanji dissolves in tears, it looks like entire face is watering.

We're live again, or still live, whatever, and it's between John and Patti. And it's..... Patti. About bloody time! Bye, Patti, don't let the bridge hit you on the way out! I'm sorry, but I don't like her, never did. There is something very odd about her, like she isn't comfortable in her own skin. She's all awkward, nervous energy. And it's not good energy. Plus, she's got that flat midwestern-sounding Soccer Mom voice, you know, that sounds like there's always a saliva bubble in the throat.

Patti fairly sprints across that bridge, not looking back once. She gets her testimonial. She Soccer-Moms  her debrief. And I do NOT care what she has to say.

And now there are three. And it's all gonna happen tomorrow night. Why do I feel so painfully underwhelmed? "You do NOT want to miss it!" insists Damien. No, Damien. We do NOT!

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 16: RIP Janice Dickinson

I'm sorry if I spoiled last night's outcome for anyone just now, but come on, why bury the lede? It was frustrating sitting through the whole show as they teased it out, so I'm not anxious to repeating the exercise here. America does not feel the love for J-Dick, and it's not hard to see why I suppose. Oh, and IACGMOOH's numbers were up last night, to the same levels as last week, which aren't great, but right now this show needs all the small mercies it can get.

Last night's episode was mostly filler, but here's what we learned: Nobody wants to go home. John "Long Tall" Salley and Lou Diamond Phillips clap themselves on the back for their immunity status. The teams merge, meaning it's now a game of individuals—which doesn't seem like the correct definition of merge, if you ask me, but that's reality-speak for you. A merge tonight is an empty gesture, though, considering that, in real time, two of the players are already history,  so why bother?

J-Dick is really mean and bossy with little Holly, who throws a pail of water over her that makes her face melt. That's the only explanation I can think of—I mean seriously, she  looks like an overripe slab of brie.  J-Dick's face keeps getting meaner and meaner too: She is walking proof of the old adage that you get the face that you deserve. Despite mega-doses of plastic surgery.

There's a very daft game involving plastic balls and those freakin' stars buried in a mud pit. The players fashion their own costumes, and all the guys channel their inner gay porn star. Stephen Baldwin makes a big show of it and starts playing to the balcony, man-boobs all a-flap. Sanjaya, LouDi and Long Tall win. The prize is more junk food: Pizza.

It's the halfway point and we're live, with Myleene and Damien heading to camp with the results. And it's abrupt: Holly, you're going home. Here's your hat, what's your hurry? Then they tease that the second to go is either J-Dick, Patti Blah-go or Stevie B. Holly leaves to no fanfare whatsoever, just a sad walk of shame over a toy bridge. In the British version there are fireworks and champagne and a loved one jumping up and down to greet the departing celebrity to soften the blow. There's silly banter with cheeky chappies Ant and Dec and a nice The Way We Were montage of the player's memorable moments, and they get to make a speech about What They Learned. And there's drinking! And laughing!  All we get on this version is anti-climax. The whole series is anti-climax. How did Ben Silverman get it so wrong?

Next: We have a silly sequence of all the old-timers dropping names as they bore the non-celebrity young'uns Holly and Torrie to tears. Then at dinner, J-Dick and Long Tall throw down over vegetables. J-Dick wants the lion's share of greens—"doctor's orders"—but Long Tall demands a doctor's note first. They argue. It's ugly. It feels like Long Tall is being more of a hardass than he really needs to be, but I suspect this is the editors' handiwork. We hear him explain to Patti later that he won't be bossed around like that by anyone because he's a "proud black man." All I can say is, the editors aren't doing proud black men any favors right now.

Live again, time for the second evictee. Bye bye J-Dick. She takes it in stride. No fireworks, no champagne, no loved one. But Myleene seems genuinely disappointed: "I've loved having her," she says. "Love 'er or hate 'er, you never forget 'er."

She's right. J-Dick was a demon. She was mean, bitter, uncouth, dishonest and obnoxiously self-obsessed. She also provided the majority of the story-arc once the Heidi and Spencer crap was finally put to rest. She got most of the camera time because she was the only one doing anything worth watching and talking about.  And it ended up working against her. That's the name of the game, I suppose, but mark my words, she'll leave a huge vacuum in that camp. Life might be easier for them, but it will be deathly dull for us.

photo courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: NBC premiere

 

I’ve been pretty curious to see how last night’s premiere of NBC’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here was going to work out. This series is wildly popular in the UK, where it’s been running for nine seasons and airs every year in November. I’ve often been in London when it’s on and even though I’m on holiday and should be doing a million things other than watching TV, I get sucked in every time. Most of my friends there watch it—including the ones I always stay with—and so do their kids and, most likely, their parents.

More than half the country tunes in to see this show. All in the name of charity, contestants are forced to camp out in the Australian rainforest for three weeks with few amenities and compete in various challenges to win meals for the camp. Each night the public votes for one cast member to go into the Bush Tucker Trial, which usually involves being submerged in a water tank with snakes or in a pit with creepy crawly bugs and spiders; then they vote again for their favorite celebrity. The one with the least votes is sent home until there is one left standing, who’s named King or Queen of the Jungle.

IACGMOOH UK is silly and sensationalistic and one of the most charming shows I’ve ever seen. A wide array of celebrities are cast to appeal to every age group imaginable—comedians, soap actors, TV and radio hosts, pop singers, retired footballers, models, journalists, producers, politicians, pantomime stars. They’ve had Martina Navratilova, John Lydon (who went predictably apeshit after just a few days and quit) and David Gest (who, shockingly, turned out to be a really funny guy and one of the most popular players that season). There are rows and romances, bickering and breakdowns, but it is curiously fascinating to watch how these people manage to cope in harsh conditions and to see them ultimately bond and band together. It brings out the worst in some people but, more often, it brings out the best.

The show is put together with a light tough that verges on camp, hosted by the cheeky chappies Ant and Dec. It’s sweet. It’s funny. It’s addictive. You tune in every night for three weeks because you get attached to these people, you fall in love with some of them, you really cheer for them to win and you can’t wait to see what they’re going to do next.

An attempt to import IACGMOOH to the US was made in 2003 by ABC, sticking faithfully to the UK format. It was hosted by John Lehr, one of the Geico cavemen. It tanked. Maybe it was the celebrities, like Melissa Rivers and Downtown Julie Brown and Stuttering John Melendez and Chris Judd, who were just too obscure. Maybe it was the three-week nightly commitment. Maybe it was because the reality craze was relatively new and still eyed suspiciously back in 2003. Whatever the reason, the US audience ignored the show.

So I wondered, when I heard NBC was reviving it, what they were going to do differently this time. I hoped it would be something good. But I had my suspicions, and unfortunately they turned out to be right: They’ve made it like every other reality show on TV.

Crazy Mel Gibson Strikes Again

This morning I came across this clip of serial procreator and longtime creep Mel Gibson talking about his eighth kid last night on Leno. He jokingly calls himself "Octomel" and starts mocking Octomom's unnaturally swollen lips.

Excuse me, but let's take a little look at Mel's new girlfriend, Osanka Something-Beginning-With-a-G. Can you tell which one's which?

 

FrankenLove

For about a week, photos of Courtney Love parading around in a bikini have been showing up on celebrity gossip blogs every day. Each time, she's seen wearing a different bikini and behaving like someone who knows damn well her every move is being captured on film. She knows what she's doing, she wants those  photos out there. I guess she wants everyone to see how much she has slimmed down; what she must not realize is that in the process of losing a few extra pounds, she now has a stomach that seems to be imitating Keith Richards' face.

 
images via Snarky Gossip, Egotastic, TMZ

images via Celebrity Babylon and TMZ

That last photo looks like it might be doctored, but still.

Is poor Courtney so deranged that she doesn't realize we all know what a liposuctioned tummy looks like by now? Honey, wake up: Tara Reid told us all about it.