I’m Not a Cat Lady

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 16: RIP Janice Dickinson

I'm sorry if I spoiled last night's outcome for anyone just now, but come on, why bury the lede? It was frustrating sitting through the whole show as they teased it out, so I'm not anxious to repeating the exercise here. America does not feel the love for J-Dick, and it's not hard to see why I suppose. Oh, and IACGMOOH's numbers were up last night, to the same levels as last week, which aren't great, but right now this show needs all the small mercies it can get.

Last night's episode was mostly filler, but here's what we learned: Nobody wants to go home. John "Long Tall" Salley and Lou Diamond Phillips clap themselves on the back for their immunity status. The teams merge, meaning it's now a game of individuals—which doesn't seem like the correct definition of merge, if you ask me, but that's reality-speak for you. A merge tonight is an empty gesture, though, considering that, in real time, two of the players are already history,  so why bother?

J-Dick is really mean and bossy with little Holly, who throws a pail of water over her that makes her face melt. That's the only explanation I can think of—I mean seriously, she  looks like an overripe slab of brie.  J-Dick's face keeps getting meaner and meaner too: She is walking proof of the old adage that you get the face that you deserve. Despite mega-doses of plastic surgery.

There's a very daft game involving plastic balls and those freakin' stars buried in a mud pit. The players fashion their own costumes, and all the guys channel their inner gay porn star. Stephen Baldwin makes a big show of it and starts playing to the balcony, man-boobs all a-flap. Sanjaya, LouDi and Long Tall win. The prize is more junk food: Pizza.

It's the halfway point and we're live, with Myleene and Damien heading to camp with the results. And it's abrupt: Holly, you're going home. Here's your hat, what's your hurry? Then they tease that the second to go is either J-Dick, Patti Blah-go or Stevie B. Holly leaves to no fanfare whatsoever, just a sad walk of shame over a toy bridge. In the British version there are fireworks and champagne and a loved one jumping up and down to greet the departing celebrity to soften the blow. There's silly banter with cheeky chappies Ant and Dec and a nice The Way We Were montage of the player's memorable moments, and they get to make a speech about What They Learned. And there's drinking! And laughing!  All we get on this version is anti-climax. The whole series is anti-climax. How did Ben Silverman get it so wrong?

Next: We have a silly sequence of all the old-timers dropping names as they bore the non-celebrity young'uns Holly and Torrie to tears. Then at dinner, J-Dick and Long Tall throw down over vegetables. J-Dick wants the lion's share of greens—"doctor's orders"—but Long Tall demands a doctor's note first. They argue. It's ugly. It feels like Long Tall is being more of a hardass than he really needs to be, but I suspect this is the editors' handiwork. We hear him explain to Patti later that he won't be bossed around like that by anyone because he's a "proud black man." All I can say is, the editors aren't doing proud black men any favors right now.

Live again, time for the second evictee. Bye bye J-Dick. She takes it in stride. No fireworks, no champagne, no loved one. But Myleene seems genuinely disappointed: "I've loved having her," she says. "Love 'er or hate 'er, you never forget 'er."

She's right. J-Dick was a demon. She was mean, bitter, uncouth, dishonest and obnoxiously self-obsessed. She also provided the majority of the story-arc once the Heidi and Spencer crap was finally put to rest. She got most of the camera time because she was the only one doing anything worth watching and talking about.  And it ended up working against her. That's the name of the game, I suppose, but mark my words, she'll leave a huge vacuum in that camp. Life might be easier for them, but it will be deathly dull for us.

photo courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: The Heidi-Spencer Hoax Continues

This is getting way out of hand. On Saturday, Us magazine had an "exclusive" report that Heidi had been rushed to hospital "with an undisclosed medical emergency." Apparently, Spencer twittered it. Or his witless sister, Stephanie. Or both.

On Sunday, TMZ reported that Miss Heidi had a gastric ulcer as a result of being "tortured" in the Chamber of Horrors, where she and her wastrel husband Spencer were being held hostage, in the dark, fed only water, rice and beans—just like in Guantanamo Bay!—for one day and one night. Or for three whole days, according to E! Online, which also ran the following statement from NBC's head of alternative programming Paul Telegdy:

"... the 'insincere, lazy, entitled" Pratts required a stint in "isolation" before producers would decide the twosome's fate on this Monday's show, vowing that the Pratts "really are going to bare their souls."

But then: Gawker's Defamer wing subsequently reported that Telegdy, under orders from his boss Ben Silverman, had flown to Costa Rica to throw more money at the Pratts after they tried to quit the show and beg them not to leave. (Told ya!) They also pointed to subsequent updates on TMZ throughout yesterday and today that (1) IACGMOH producers were pissed at Spencer's torture claims, insisting the whole situation was safe and supervised and, most important, on film, so we can see for ourselves; and then (2) that the Pratts were, in actual fact, lounging in a hotel for three days; and then (3) that Spencer says that's all bullshit and is planning on suing NBC; and (4) omg, the Pratts are trying to get out of Costa Rica but doctors won' t give Heidi clearance to fly; and (5) look! Here are photos of the Lost Chamber, which may or may not have involved real torture.

And as for the latest, as of right now, back to E!: All the reports are inaccurate, everybody's fine, Heidi was never tortured, she was just feeling unwell and needs more tests, they're both still in Costa Rica, tune in tonight and the truth will out.

All this publicity-seeking sturm und drang, and for what?  The gossip blog community may be all over this, but will that really translate into bigger numbers tonight? I guess we'll find out soon enough, but I will say this: All this manufactured drama and cheap manipulation have completely corrupted the show. The whole premise was doomed to fail from the start.

The reason IACGMOOH is popular in the UK is partly the fascination with the social experiment angle: putting disparate personalities together in a harsh, unfamiliar environment and seeing how they cope. There is also a vicarious, slightly sadistic thrill in having a hand in the fate of the cast by voting them into those hideous trials, and finding out who cracks under the pressure while cheering on those who flourish and triumph. Those three weeks in the jungle are life-transforming for the people who've participated in IACGMOOH-UK over the last eight years—that's what drives them to do the show in the first place—and that's also compelling to watch.

And it's funny! It doesn't take itself half as seriously as IACGMOOH-US. All this Pratt nonsense has been so distracting that even after one full week, there's no traction at all. The show's still in limbo, entirely dependent on the Heidi-Spencer arc. We should be well into the interactive element by now, with our votes impacting the campmates' fates and, with any luck, their sanity. But as it is, it's impossible to understand  what this show is supposed to be—a competition? a popularity contest? a soap opera?—and any initial good will towards it has run dry.

Of course, I'll watch tonight's bloated two-hour episode. Depending on how it plays out, it may be the last time.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: NBC premiere

 

I’ve been pretty curious to see how last night’s premiere of NBC’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here was going to work out. This series is wildly popular in the UK, where it’s been running for nine seasons and airs every year in November. I’ve often been in London when it’s on and even though I’m on holiday and should be doing a million things other than watching TV, I get sucked in every time. Most of my friends there watch it—including the ones I always stay with—and so do their kids and, most likely, their parents.

More than half the country tunes in to see this show. All in the name of charity, contestants are forced to camp out in the Australian rainforest for three weeks with few amenities and compete in various challenges to win meals for the camp. Each night the public votes for one cast member to go into the Bush Tucker Trial, which usually involves being submerged in a water tank with snakes or in a pit with creepy crawly bugs and spiders; then they vote again for their favorite celebrity. The one with the least votes is sent home until there is one left standing, who’s named King or Queen of the Jungle.

IACGMOOH UK is silly and sensationalistic and one of the most charming shows I’ve ever seen. A wide array of celebrities are cast to appeal to every age group imaginable—comedians, soap actors, TV and radio hosts, pop singers, retired footballers, models, journalists, producers, politicians, pantomime stars. They’ve had Martina Navratilova, John Lydon (who went predictably apeshit after just a few days and quit) and David Gest (who, shockingly, turned out to be a really funny guy and one of the most popular players that season). There are rows and romances, bickering and breakdowns, but it is curiously fascinating to watch how these people manage to cope in harsh conditions and to see them ultimately bond and band together. It brings out the worst in some people but, more often, it brings out the best.

The show is put together with a light tough that verges on camp, hosted by the cheeky chappies Ant and Dec. It’s sweet. It’s funny. It’s addictive. You tune in every night for three weeks because you get attached to these people, you fall in love with some of them, you really cheer for them to win and you can’t wait to see what they’re going to do next.

An attempt to import IACGMOOH to the US was made in 2003 by ABC, sticking faithfully to the UK format. It was hosted by John Lehr, one of the Geico cavemen. It tanked. Maybe it was the celebrities, like Melissa Rivers and Downtown Julie Brown and Stuttering John Melendez and Chris Judd, who were just too obscure. Maybe it was the three-week nightly commitment. Maybe it was because the reality craze was relatively new and still eyed suspiciously back in 2003. Whatever the reason, the US audience ignored the show.

So I wondered, when I heard NBC was reviving it, what they were going to do differently this time. I hoped it would be something good. But I had my suspicions, and unfortunately they turned out to be right: They’ve made it like every other reality show on TV.