There are five contestants left. Two of them should be gone already: boring Bristol and uncharismatic Kurt. If one of these two isn’t in the bottom this week, I’m out. Instead, I’ll start recapping I’d Do Anything on Wednesdays on BBC America, the search to find a Nancy for the new West End revival of Oliver! I already saw the first episode and it’s a thrill to watch seriously talented people compete. I’m a sucker for the songs from that musical; there are super-cute little urchinlike Olivers competing as well; Graham Norton is the host; and John Barrowman and Barry Humphries are on the judging panel. In other words, it kicks Dancing With the Stars’ ASS.
Anyway onto the show. Here come the remaining stars down the stairs, the camera does the opening pan and Jennifer Grey, as usual, works it.
Tonight’s gimmick, Instant Dance: The couples must pick a mystery song after their first round and they'll have 20 minutes to prepare. Maks bitched about this to E! News last week, and I don’t blame him: It gets tiresome when unnecessary curveballs are thrown at the contestants—like on Project Runway, when the designers are given “twists” that involve adding another look at five minutes to midnight while blindfolded and standing on one foot. As Maks said, “I just think it's absolutely unnecessary pressure on celebrities that are already under pressure. It makes it harder for the professionals. It's really unfair to us because we are doing way too much.” The gloves are off.
Round 1
Kyle
Lowered Expectations Sequence: Kyle did good last week with his fiery paso doble. But can he do the Viennese Waltz? Lacey's losing her patience with his goofing around during rehearsa so resorts to the old Tough Love tactic by scolding him sternly, "Like your footwork is so bad!"
On the floor: And Kyle, as per, snaps into character like a champ. He's leading with his chin again but he looks like a little Emmitt Smith, light on his feet, smooth and graceful with good arms. He does a fabulous little twinkle-toes thing towards the end and Lacey giggles right into his mouth when it’s done: She’s pleased.
The judges: Len: “Last week I saw like a little bug; this week, a gorgeous orchid.” Bruno: "You have become this sophisticated, refined young man...This is the way to win this.” Carrie Ann: "My crush on Kyle is back in full force. The elegance was amazing... It was like watching a fairytale come to life.”
The score: 27
In a pre-taped segment, the judges explain why tonight’s Instant Dance theme isn’t so much of a gimmick after all. According to Len: “In a regular dancing competition, you have no clue what music you're going to get. As soon as that music starts you've got to pick up the beat and dance.” Well, who knew? So right after he gets his score, Kyle picks his Mystery Song for Round 2. It’s ‘Good Golly Miss Molly’ and—hee!—Kyle and Lacey are stoked because all week they’ve been practicing the jive. This is gonna be a cakewalk.
Jennifer
LES: After she regained her form last week, our Jen now realizes she has more in her than she thought and she’s got the quickstep this week which is relatively easy but still hard work and then... “Oh, my knee!” A doctor comes in and confirms she has a partial tear in her ligament and that if she keeps pushing it, she might be sorry. I know what that’s like—I only strained a ligament in my knee 10 years ago and now it gives me a little "howdy do" every time I do yoga and it sucks. Should Jennifer drop out of the show? Then her father, Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, drops in to remind her that The Show Must Go On. Wow, I forgot he was her dad. No wonder she’s so driven.
On the floor: She's perfect. If she's dancing through that pain, she is one hell of an actress and I have to wonder why she hasn’t had a more fruitful career. Although it must be said, Derek does two major fancy-stepping solos during the routine that effectively take the heat off her and give her knee a nice little break.
The judges: Each has some veiled advice for our Jen, which I will interpret. Bruno: “It was like watching a vintage Fred Ginger classic quickstep. Forget your troubles, come on get happy!” In other words, quit whining. Carrie Ann: “After watching that package I lowered my expectations”—hey now!—“but we can't do that. If you ever worry about whether you're loved, just look around this room.” In other words, stop with the attention-seeking, bitch. Len: “You say to Derek, ‘Let's face the music and dance,’ and that's what you did.” In other words, keep sucking it up, my girl.
The score: 27. Three 9s. I like to think that she missed out on a 10 because of that self-indulgent "package."
Mystery Song: ‘Waiting For a Girl Like You’ by Foreigner. Ew.
Kurt
LES: They have the waltz, which is all about big grace and movement. Kurt gets pissed with himself because it's like playoff week and he's a professional and, zzzzzzzzz... what? I'm sorry, I just dropped off for a second.
On the floor: He's all right, but he ain't no Rick Fox. Although I do feel a little bad for him that he’s forced to waltz to The Eagles’ egregious 'Take It To the Limit.’
The judges: Carrie Ann starts comparing him to a Ballroom Dance Ken doll but adds, “You are not quite at the same level as some of the other people but ... I see the effort with every single move you make.” Len: “There's nothing nicer than seeing a big guy come out being graceful, giving good movement round the floor. Overall the whole feeling of the dance was beautiful.” Bruno: “Obviously there are people that are better than you but you've come a long way.” Talk about damned by faint praise.
The score: 24
Mystery Song: ‘Hella Good’ by No Doubt. Crikey.
Bristol
LES: She's exhausted from being at the bottom of the leader board. She's missing her illegitimate son. She's tired and homesick, so she goes to go see her family—hasn’t she done this every week now?—so that Mama Grizzly can get some more screen time. She’s practicing the tango and she’s embarrassed. “Just dominate, just take over,” trills Sarah, borrowing from her own political strategery, as her husband just sits there, mute and duly emasculated.
On the floor: Bristol appropriates the Audrina Death Mask face, trying super hard to put all her focus into it. But her legs are oddly stiff and trunk-like: As Mark does all the tricky tango leg flaps, she holds hers limply aloft as if awaiting a shoe shine.
The judges: Len: “It was clean, well placed, well rehearsed. Lacked a bit of intensity. You're coming out later to do your Latin. Cooooome out and give it some wellie, girl.” Bruno: “I thought you were actually mean and moody. Sometimes you lose the expression... You go in and out of it.” Carrie Ann: “I think this is the most intensity we've ever seen. But I want to see a little more energy in your legs.”
The score: 24
Mystery Song: ‘Mas Que Nada,’ the classic bossa nova number made famous by Sérgio Mendes. This is a godsend for a Latin dance—and, of course, completely wasted on Bristol.
Brandy
LES: She's really worried because topping the leader board week after week isn’t enough. As she says to Maks, “Rich and Audrina went home and Kurt and Bristol are still here.” Okay, she didn't say that last part, but she might as well have.
On the floor: They have the waltz. She comes out dramatically in a black velvet cape, which Maks whips off to reveal a fluttery silver-white gown and I think I'm watching the Ice Capades as they glide and flow and over-emote. Brandy looks like she's being transported to another place when she dances with Maks—a very sexxxxy place. Hmmm, I wonder... Anyway, it’s cheesy as hell, but flawless. I smell 10s.
The judges: Bruno is beside himself: “This was more than a dance, this was an exquisite interpretation to a song. It was like a symphony, it was like a poem.” Carrie Ann: “The emotional quality of your dancing, it's riveting. There's just one tiny adjustment I want to give to you. I want to see that neck relaxed." She picks because she sees her making it to the finals. Len: “I was overwhelmed by the whole performance.”
The score: 29. That neck cost her a point from Carrie Ann.
Mystery Song: 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry. Nightmare.
Round 2
Kyle
The dance: The jive
On the floor: He kills it. So good. And can I just say I'm not a huge fan of 50s rock ‘n' roll, but if you're gonna do the jive, you have got to do it to a proper 50s rock ‘n’ roll song. It’s just so much more fun for everyone. More musical choices like this, please!
The judges: Len: “You came out like a pocket rocket. It was a little bit wild and wacky but I really enjoyed it.” Bruno: “This was top of the league for entertainment value and creativity. I loved every second of it.” Carrie Ann: “That was by far the most fun I have had as a viewer, as a judge, this whole season!”
The score: 29
Jennifer
The dance: The rhumba
On the floor: Oh I hate this song. Jen and Derek strike lots of poses and twirl a bit, then she puts her leg on his shoulder and they hold it for an uncomfortably long beat. There’s something totally creepy about it. Plus, I couldn’t do any of this with my wonky knee. What drug is she on?
The judges: Bruno: “This was just breathtaking again, sensual, sexy, classy. Flawless!” Carrie Ann: “There is nothing more beautiful for me than to watch someone reclaiming their power.” Len: “The speed, the quiet, the soft, the hard, the big, the small, the fast, the slow: That's what makes great dancing and that's what we've just seen.”
The score: 30
Kurt
The dance: The cha cha cha
On the floor: He's throwing his all into it but he's off the beat a lot, he pulls some major dorkfaces and does some strange chattering thing with his mouth, like a dog eating peanut butter. But he’s into it, he thinks he did great and at the end whips his arms to the audience as if to say “Give it up!”
The judges: Carrie Ann: “Musicality has never been your strong suit” but “I've never seen you dance with so much charisma and there's like a very interesting new sex appeal going on... Two snaps up.” Len: “You've performed well but you've gotta straighten your legs a bit, your legs are flexed all the time.” Bruno: “You came out here, you let it loose and you had fun and you went for it.”
The score: 24. There are boos.
Bristol
The dance: The samba
On the floor: There’s one thing Bristol has shown she can do, and it’s that chest shimmy. And Mark is banking on it getting her through this sad samba, because he has choreographed her to do nothing but shimmy and point, shimmy and point. She is so out of her element. Somebody put a fork in her already.
The judges: Len: “For a difficult dance you did a wonderful job.” Bruno: “Bristol, you can shake it" and he commends her on her "Pencil Sharpener," which, we discover, is what that pointing thing is called. But... "The thing is, my darling, some bits were actually excellent but sometimes you lost it a bit.” Carrie Ann: “I think you’re growing more radiant with each performance but it sort of came in and out and off the beat, sorry.”
The score: 23
Brandy
The dance: The cha cha cha
On the floor: I had to hit mute for this one, the music is so vile. Looks to me like she nailed it. She does that backbend again—her party trick.
The judges: Bruno: “Another fabulous performance, I loved all of it.” Carrie Ann disagrees: “The thing of the instant dance is how quickly you get into the dance ... and I'm kind of shocked you took like four-eighths of the dance to get to your choreography... Kurt did more dancing and he got it on the first beat.” Maks bristles and begins to argue with her, “Relax, don’t worry about it... we did a lot of stuff.” They have a smackdown. Carrie Ann is giving him shit for doing a bad job. It’s not pretty. Len: “You did a waltz which was full of elegance and a totally different thing, a cha cha cha full of rhythm, full of performance, well done to you.” But he thinks Carrie Ann was quite right: It's supposed to be an instant dance, so you should dance instantly. And Maks is pissed.
The score: 28
It’s a tie between Jennifer and Brandy. And Maks is one angry dancer, taking his moment during the Brooke Burke Stock Questions segment to take a stand on behalf of his fellow professionals—who have only had the biggest break of their lives by landing a contract with the most-watched show in the country—against the abuse that they have been forced to endure for lo these five years. “We bust our butts every week, some of us for the last 10 seasons, and we feel that a lot of it is kind of being overlooked, so I feel like we're so proud of our stars.” Brooke cuts him off because she's thrown off-script—no stock answer! This does not compute! And Maks just might have cost Brandy the whole game with that attitude. Dude, just shut up and cash the check.
So... Who will go home tonight?
LIVE UPDATE: I just shrieked so loudly, I made my dog bark. Bristol is safe, and Brandy is in jeopardy. Although I'm not entirely surprised that Brandy lost votes because of Maks's stroppy outburst, because he is one arrogant piece of work, but it shouldn't have cost Brandy so dearly that she was outvoted by that lumpen girl. I don't know what's going on here, but it's bad.
So now, it's down to Kurt and Brandy. And... it's Kurt. Well, one out of two ain't bad.
