I’m Not a Cat Lady

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Finale Results. And the Moment We've All Been Waiting For...

BRISTOL LOST!

Jennifer won. Kyle is second.

And... we're done.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 9. Please For the Love of God, Will Bristol Finally Go Home Already?

Hallelujah and praise be: This week, the semi-final, is only 90 minutes long. There are four couples left. And as Brooke Burke so eloquently puts it, “Tonight it’s the most important dances of the season so far.”  Each couple has two performances. So let’s get to it.

Round 1

Brandy

Lowered Expectations Sequence: After last week's outburst, Maks is chastened. He didn’t mean it, really. He was just being protective over his little flower, the one he likes to slap around a little every now and then. “I did it for you,” he tells Brandy.  “I'd have done it for you,” she coos back. Aw. Now that that’s out of the way, let's move on. Brandy acknowledges that she’s up against some stiff competition: Kyle, because “he’s got so much personality, he’s funny”; Bristol because “America loves Bristol Palin, she’s so nice you want to see her do well” or her mama will come at you with a shotgun; and then there’s Jennifer Grey, aka Baby, and “this is, like, legendary.”

On the floor: Brandy and Maks are dancing the paso doble and they are fiercely into it, whipping each other around in a storm of sturm und drang. It’s a bit like West Side Story meets Cat People as Brandy snarls and bares her teeth, a lot. These two are precision and determination personified. The only off-note here is Brandy’s peculiar Puffy Blouse. 

The judges: Len: “Great dancing and a great start to the show.” Bruno was afraind someone was going to get hurt. “You danced like a fury... Some of the finesse went a little bit, but as a performance, very, very strong.” Carrie Ann: “Your performance this week was amazingly passionate, I've never seen you more connected to your character as you were this week.”

The score: 27

Jennifer

LES: Last week she got a perfect 30. Suddenly it’s "Bum knee? What bum knee?" No whingeing this week, no sir. She’s got the cha cha cha and she's got a solo and she is PSYCHED.

On the floor: Jennifer gives Bruno a little lap dance before bursting onto the floor, a whirl of silver feathers a-bumping and grinding and twitching that tush. Nobody puts Baby in the corner indeed.

The judges: Bruno reenacts the dance, yelling, “The execution was flawless, your feet placement was fantastic, fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “I've been waiting all season to see Jennifer do a cha cha all by herslef and I was not disappointed.” Len: “You combined good technique with a really high performance level and you introduced fun and entertainment, no easy achievement.”

Coming up: Whitney Houston. Whazzat?

The score: 30.

Bristol

LES: She’s been at the bottom of the leader board for the sixth week in a row, waah waah. Mark says what we've all been thinking—that she's only got this far because of "who your mom is and the Tea Party." But in HIS opinion, “People at home are thinking, ‘That's exactly how I would be.'” And Bristol concurs. “I’m untouched and raw and vulnerable…I’m not typical Hollywood.” Just like her Mom isn’t typical Washington, she’s just a plain ol' soccer mom and she’s just like us and, gosh darnit, we need someone just like us to run the country so Vote for Palin in 2012.

On the floor: Bristol comes out with that Snooki face in a costume that would look right at home at Ozzfest, twirling and snapping her skirt and like a goth bullfighter and holding it open for Mark in a manner that looks unnervingly rude. She is using all her concentration to follow Mark’s lead every step of the way. And there’s Mama Bear in the audience, you know, the one who only got the most-watched debut in TLC history for her new show…These Palins are on a roll and I am not liking it one bit.

The judges: Carrie Ann commands Bristol to come and give her a hug. “This is what we've been asking for all season long, where you come out and you nail it!” Len: “I’m telling you, Bristol the Pistol, you fired a few blanks during the weeks but tonight it’s all guns blazing, your best dance, fabulous.” Bruno: “The little lamb is turning into a tigress.”

The score: 27

Commercial break. Keyboard Cat is hawking pistachios. How long has this been going on? I am so confused.

Kyle

LES: “You're the last manchild standing,” quips Lacey. Hee! And this competition is no joke to him anymore. He wants in on the finals, end of.

On the floor: Dancing the samba, Kyle comes out and… he moonwalks. Aw, I love this kid. He does a killer solo segment and shimmies and shakes his booty hard. As usual it’s a joy to watch these two, the most organically harmonious couple of the lot. They are dancing beautifully and they are having fun.

The judges: Len commends Kyle for not being a backstage drama queen like his fellow semi-finalists and adds, “I think you've got a bionic bum because you’ve got more bounce to the ounce than anyone during this season.” Bruno: “You truly are a bouncing bundle of joy. The samba is all about excitement and fun, and you are a natural generator of excitement and fun.” Carrie Ann is practically incoherent with joy: “I've never, ever seen so much pelvic action, ever. That was an amazing blend of entertainment and technique and bouncing up down and crazy technique.”

The score: 29

Round 2

Brandy

Okay, so it seems instead of a second round of Lowered Expectations Sequences we’re getting each contestant’s Background Sob Story about what makes them such fierce competitors. Here goes:

BSS: Ooh look, little Brandy was seriously bucktoothed as a kid… Bless! So was I. We see all about how she was a young singing wonder who had her first hit at 15 and—hoo, baby!—here’s Whitney, "Brandy's friend," looking kinda beat up and slurring a testimonial to young Brandy’s awesomeness. But then… her albums began to flop and in December 2006, Brandy was involved in a car crash in which the man whose car she hit was killed. Whoa, I forgot about that. She tells us about the depression that followed and how she didn’t leave the house for three months, and how, even though she was proven innocent of any charges, people still called her a murderer. I’m not so sure it was a good idea to remind us about all this. I have a feeling it could backfire badly.

On the floor: Brandy and Maks have the Argentine tango (and I’d like to mention here how much I love the way the British announcer on this show pronounces it the Argen-TYNE tango) and it is fierce perfection. Brandy is completely immersed. It’s like these two have been dancing this tango together for years.

The judges: Len: “You moved in and out of those lifts with effortless ease... You created a great atmosphere.” Bruno: “Lush, languid, voluptuous, full of flavor, great emotional depth.... stunning.” Carrie Ann: “Dynamic, passionate, powerful, amazing.”

The score: 30. Finally.

Jennifer

BSS: Jennifer, the daughter of Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, was a daddy’s girl (big surprise) and always loved to sing and dance and act ever since she was a wee lassie. There she is with her old face! It was all going swimmingly, and then… Another fatal car crash that most people probably forgot all about till right now. In 1987, she and then-boyfriend Matthew Broderick were involved in an accident on a small country road in Northern Ireland in which a local woman and her mother were killed. Matthew was driving on the wrong side of the road. He was fined just $150. Jennifer now claims that her neck has never been the same since then. Gee whiz, why did we have to go all the way back there? Wasn’t her cancer story enough?

On the floor: It’s the Viennese Waltz. And it’s perfect. But I can’t concentrate—I keep thinking about that car crash story.

The judges: Bruno: “A gem of a waltz. You are a great dancer and never forget it.” Carrie Ann: “Through dancing we can actually see people's souls. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.” Hello, is Derek crying? Len: “It was quiet, it was delicate, it was poignant… If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up because that was fabulous.” 

The score: 30

Bristol

BSS: Here we go. Alaska, Wasilla, Mama Grizzly getting more facetime extolling her daughter’s virtues: “When Bristol makes up her mind when she's gonna do something, you don't argue with her.” Which brings us to Levi and the badly timed pregnancy and the bump growing right there for all to see on national Tee Vee. Bristol tells us how hard it was when everyone said she was such a sleaze. And Mama Grizzly says, “They may wanna bring ya down but doggoneit, ya might as well dance!” And ya might as well run in 2012, right Sarah?

On the floor: She's in another Merrie Widow–black shroud with slits up to here, dancing the waltz. Her face looks dead again. Yes, she is much improved but she is still plodding through. She looks so heavy next to little Mark. And, I’m sorry, but her exposed leg looks like a tree trunk.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “In your paso you were fully in ownership in your dance... but you drifted out... But I still think you've come so far.” Len: “There’s a vulnerability about your dancing. I thought it was beautiful. Be proud.” Bruno: “I quite like the way you approached this waltz differently.” But: “I have to be honest... You really had a journey...” He struggles for words, for once. And suddenly Len takes a moment to congratulate the band.

The score: 26

Kyle

BSS: He grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and was always a little ball of energy. His mother took $10,000 out of her 401K to take her two talented sons to Hollywood, they struggled a lot, and it all  paid off. Let's face it, Kyle is too young and sunny to have a great big BSS. Good for him.

On the floor: He has the paso doble, and he kills it. Fierce and effortless. Oh my god, little Kyle is all growned up.

 
The judges: Len: “You are a star. In 11 seasons I don't think anyone has ever come out and performed with so much attack, so much enthusiasm.” Bruno: “Look at you—so strong, so sharp, so masculine. Whatever happens, you are Season 11’s Mr. Charisma.” Carrie Ann: “You know who you remind me of right now? Remember a guy called Emmit Smith?”

The score: 29

Will Bristol finally go home tonight?

RESULTS UPDATE: Jennifer's in... Kyle's in (yay!)... So it's between Brandy and Bristol. Oh, the suspense. The fear, the dread. And... Brandy's out. It's official. This show is so rigged. I'm out too.

POST-RESULTS UPDATE: A Wisconsin man shot his TV when Bristol got through. People are pissed!

 

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 8. Maks Is Mad As Hell and He's Not Going To Take It Anymore!

There are five contestants left. Two of them should be gone already: boring Bristol and uncharismatic Kurt. If one of these two isn’t in the bottom this week, I’m out. Instead, I’ll start recapping I’d Do Anything on Wednesdays on BBC America, the search to find a Nancy for the new West End revival of Oliver! I already saw the first episode and it’s a thrill to watch seriously talented people compete. I’m a sucker for the songs from that musical; there are super-cute little urchinlike Olivers competing as well; Graham Norton is the host; and John Barrowman and Barry Humphries are on the judging panel. In other words, it kicks Dancing With the Stars’ ASS.

Anyway onto the show. Here come the remaining stars down the stairs, the camera does the opening pan and Jennifer Grey, as usual, works it.

Tonight’s gimmick, Instant Dance: The couples must pick a mystery song after their first round and they'll have 20 minutes to prepare. Maks bitched about this to E! News last week, and I don’t blame him: It gets tiresome when unnecessary curveballs are thrown at the contestants—like on Project Runway, when the designers are given “twists” that involve adding another look at five minutes to midnight while blindfolded and standing on one foot. As Maks said, “I just think it's absolutely unnecessary pressure on celebrities that are already under pressure. It makes it harder for the professionals. It's really unfair to us because we are doing way too much.” The gloves are off.

Round 1

Kyle

Lowered Expectations Sequence: Kyle did good last week with his fiery paso doble. But can he do the Viennese Waltz? Lacey's losing her patience with his goofing around during rehearsa so resorts to the old Tough Love tactic by scolding him sternly, "Like your footwork is so bad!"

On the floor: And Kyle, as per, snaps into character like a champ. He's leading with his chin again but he looks like a little Emmitt Smith, light on his feet, smooth and graceful with good arms. He does a fabulous little twinkle-toes thing towards the end and Lacey giggles right into his mouth when it’s done: She’s pleased.

The judges: Len: “Last week I saw like a little bug; this week, a gorgeous orchid.” Bruno: "You have become this sophisticated, refined young man...This is the way to win this.” Carrie Ann: "My crush on Kyle is back in full force. The elegance was amazing... It was like watching a fairytale come to life.”

The score: 27

In a pre-taped segment, the judges explain why tonight’s Instant Dance theme isn’t so much of a gimmick after all. According to Len: “In a regular dancing competition, you have no clue what music you're going to get. As soon as that music starts you've got to pick up the beat and dance.” Well, who knew? So right after he gets his score, Kyle picks his Mystery Song for Round 2. It’s ‘Good Golly Miss Molly’ and—hee!—Kyle and Lacey are stoked because all week they’ve been practicing the jive. This is gonna be a cakewalk.

Jennifer

LES: After she regained her form last week, our Jen now realizes she has more in her than she thought and she’s got the quickstep this week which is relatively easy but still hard work and then... “Oh, my knee!” A doctor comes in and confirms she has a partial tear in her ligament and that if she keeps pushing it, she might be sorry. I know what that’s like—I only strained a ligament in my knee 10 years ago and now it gives me a little "howdy do" every time I do yoga and it sucks. Should Jennifer drop out of the show? Then her father, Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, drops in to remind her that The Show Must Go On. Wow, I forgot he was her dad. No wonder she’s so driven.

On the floor: She's perfect. If she's dancing through that pain, she is one hell of an actress and I have to wonder why she hasn’t had a more fruitful career. Although it must be said, Derek does two major fancy-stepping solos during the routine that effectively take the heat off her and give her knee a nice little break.

The judges: Each has some veiled advice for our Jen, which I will interpret. Bruno: “It was like watching a vintage Fred Ginger classic quickstep. Forget your troubles, come on get happy!” In other words, quit whining. Carrie Ann: “After watching that package I lowered my expectations”—hey now!—“but we can't do that. If you ever worry about whether you're loved, just look around this room.” In other words, stop with the attention-seeking, bitch. Len: “You say to Derek, ‘Let's face the music and dance,’ and that's what you did.” In other words, keep sucking it up, my girl.

The score: 27. Three 9s. I like to think that she missed out on a 10 because of that self-indulgent "package."

Mystery Song: ‘Waiting For a Girl Like You’ by Foreigner. Ew.

Kurt

LES: They have the waltz, which is all about big grace and movement. Kurt gets pissed with himself because it's like playoff week and he's a professional and, zzzzzzzzz... what? I'm sorry, I just dropped off for a second.

On the floor: He's all right, but he ain't no Rick Fox. Although I do feel a little bad for him that he’s forced to waltz to The Eagles’ egregious 'Take It To the Limit.’

The judges: Carrie Ann starts comparing him to a Ballroom Dance Ken doll but adds, “You are not quite at the same level as some of the other people but ... I see the effort with every single move you make.” Len: “There's nothing nicer than seeing a big guy come out being graceful, giving good movement round the floor. Overall the whole feeling of the dance was beautiful.” Bruno: “Obviously there are people that are better than you but you've come a long way.” Talk about damned by faint praise.

The score: 24

Mystery Song: ‘Hella Good’ by No Doubt. Crikey.

Bristol

LES: She's exhausted from being at the bottom of the leader board. She's missing her illegitimate son. She's tired and homesick, so she goes to go see her family—hasn’t she done this every week now?—so that Mama Grizzly can get some more screen time. She’s practicing the tango and she’s embarrassed. “Just dominate, just take over,” trills Sarah, borrowing from her own political strategery, as her husband just sits there, mute and duly emasculated.

On the floor: Bristol appropriates the Audrina Death Mask face, trying super hard to put all her focus into it. But her legs are oddly stiff and trunk-like: As Mark does all the tricky tango leg flaps, she holds hers limply aloft as if awaiting a shoe shine. 

 

The judges: Len: “It was clean, well placed, well rehearsed. Lacked a bit of intensity. You're coming out later to do your Latin. Cooooome out and give it some wellie, girl.” Bruno: “I thought you were actually mean and moody. Sometimes you lose the expression... You go in and out of it.” Carrie Ann: “I think this is the most intensity we've ever seen. But I want to see a little more energy in your legs.”

The score: 24

Mystery Song: ‘Mas Que Nada,’ the classic bossa nova number made famous by Sérgio Mendes. This is a godsend for a Latin dance—and, of course, completely wasted on Bristol.

 

Brandy

LES: She's really worried because topping the leader board week after week isn’t enough. As she says to Maks, “Rich and Audrina went home and Kurt and Bristol are still here.” Okay, she didn't say that last part, but she might as well have.

On the floor: They have the waltz. She comes out dramatically in a black velvet cape, which Maks whips off to reveal a fluttery silver-white gown and I think I'm watching the Ice Capades as they glide and flow and over-emote. Brandy looks like she's being transported to another place when she dances with Maks—a very sexxxxy place. Hmmm, I wonder... Anyway, it’s cheesy as hell, but flawless. I smell 10s.

The judges: Bruno is beside himself: “This was more than a dance, this was an exquisite interpretation to a song. It was like a symphony, it was like a poem.” Carrie Ann: “The emotional quality of your dancing, it's riveting. There's just one tiny adjustment I want to give to you. I want to see that neck relaxed." She picks because she sees her making it to the finals. Len: “I was overwhelmed by the whole performance.”

The score: 29. That neck cost her a point from Carrie Ann.

Mystery Song: 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry. Nightmare.

 

Round 2

Kyle

The dance: The jive

On the floor: He kills it. So good. And can I just say I'm not a huge fan of 50s rock ‘n' roll, but if you're gonna do the jive, you have got to do it to a proper 50s rock ‘n’ roll song. It’s just so much more fun for everyone. More musical choices like this, please!

The judges: Len: “You came out like a pocket rocket. It was a little bit wild and wacky but I really enjoyed it.” Bruno: “This was top of the league for entertainment value and creativity. I loved every second of it.” Carrie Ann: “That was by far the most fun I have had as a viewer, as a judge, this whole season!”

The score: 29

Jennifer

The dance: The rhumba

On the floor: Oh I hate this song. Jen and Derek strike lots of poses and twirl a bit, then she puts her leg on his shoulder and they hold it for an uncomfortably long beat. There’s something totally creepy about it. Plus, I couldn’t do any of this with my wonky knee. What drug is she on?

The judges: Bruno: “This was just breathtaking again, sensual, sexy, classy. Flawless!” Carrie Ann: “There is nothing more beautiful for me than to watch someone reclaiming their power.” Len: “The speed, the quiet, the soft, the hard, the big, the small, the fast, the slow: That's what makes great dancing and that's what we've just seen.”

The score: 30

Kurt

The dance: The cha cha cha

On the floor: He's throwing his all into it but he's off the beat a lot, he pulls some major dorkfaces and does some strange chattering thing with his mouth, like a dog eating peanut butter. But he’s into it, he thinks he did great and at the end whips his arms to the audience as if to say “Give it up!”

The judges: Carrie Ann: “Musicality has never been your strong suit” but “I've never seen you dance with so much charisma and there's like a very interesting new sex appeal going on... Two snaps up.” Len: “You've performed well but you've gotta straighten your legs a bit, your legs are flexed all the time.” Bruno: “You came out here, you let it loose and you had fun and you went for it.”

The score: 24. There are boos.

Bristol

The dance: The samba

On the floor: There’s one thing Bristol has shown she can do, and it’s that chest shimmy. And Mark is banking on it getting her through this sad samba, because he has choreographed her to do nothing but shimmy and point, shimmy and point. She is so out of her element. Somebody put a fork in her already.

The judges: Len: “For a difficult dance you did a wonderful job.” Bruno: “Bristol, you can shake it" and he commends her on her "Pencil Sharpener," which, we discover, is what that pointing thing is called. But... "The thing is, my darling, some bits were actually excellent but sometimes you lost it a bit.” Carrie Ann: “I think you’re growing more radiant with each performance but it sort of came in and out and off the beat, sorry.”

The score: 23

Brandy

The dance: The cha cha cha

On the floor: I had to hit mute for this one, the music is so vile. Looks to me like she nailed it. She does that backbend again—her party trick.

The judges: Bruno: “Another fabulous performance, I loved all of it.” Carrie Ann disagrees: “The thing of the instant dance is how quickly you get into the dance ... and I'm kind of shocked you took like four-eighths of the dance to get to your choreography... Kurt did more dancing and he got it on the first beat.” Maks bristles and begins to argue with her, “Relax, don’t worry about it... we did a lot of stuff.” They have a smackdown. Carrie Ann is giving him shit for doing a bad job. It’s not pretty. Len: “You did a waltz which was full of elegance and a totally different thing, a cha cha cha full of rhythm, full of performance, well done to you.” But he thinks Carrie Ann was quite right: It's supposed to be an instant dance, so you should dance instantly. And Maks is pissed.

The score: 28

It’s a tie between Jennifer and Brandy. And Maks is one angry dancer, taking his moment during the Brooke Burke Stock Questions segment to take a stand on behalf of his fellow professionals—who have only had the biggest break of their lives by landing a contract with the most-watched show in the country—against the abuse that they have been forced to endure for lo these five years. “We bust our butts every week, some of us for the last 10 seasons, and we feel that a lot of it is kind of being overlooked, so I feel like we're so proud of our stars.” Brooke cuts him off because she's thrown off-script—no stock answer! This does not compute! And Maks just might have cost Brandy the whole game with that attitude. Dude, just shut up and cash the check.

So... Who will go home tonight?

LIVE UPDATE: I just shrieked so loudly, I made my dog bark. Bristol is safe, and Brandy is in jeopardy. Although I'm not entirely surprised that Brandy lost votes because of Maks's stroppy outburst, because he is one arrogant piece of work, but it shouldn't have cost Brandy so dearly that she was outvoted by that lumpen girl. I don't know what's going on here, but it's bad.

So now, it's down to Kurt and Brandy. And... it's Kurt. Well, one out of two ain't bad.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 7. Jennifer Grey is 50 Years Old!

Audrina was booted off last week and in case you missed it, her mother Lynn delivered a priceless drunken rant about it to the HollywoodTV cameras, slurring that “Audrina is going to f***ing rise. She's got class.” She also took the opportunity to call all of her daughter’s costars from The Hills “tramps.” With a loose-cannon mother like that, no wonder Drina has learned to keep her emotions under wraps.


Now, on with this week's episode. Dancing With the Stars kicked off five years ago (is that all? Feels like 10) and tonight it’s the 200th episode. And, Tom Bergeron promises, “the drama is as intense as it’s ever been.” What a pity: I was so hoping he’d come on and say, “This week? Not much drama!” Wouldn't that be a twist? 

But, no, this week’s twist is one big homage to the Ghosts of Seasons Past, presented in two rounds. In Round 1, the remaining six contestants are split into two teams. Each is captained by former DWTS champions/Olympic gold medalists Kristi Yamaguchi and Apolo Ohno, who are introduced among flutes of steam and sweeping kleig lights, Iron Chef-style. The collective scores will be added to each individual’s score and yada yada, the numbers will be big.

First up is Team Kristi: Rick, Sarah, Kyle

In our first Lowered Expectations Sequence of the night: They’re doing freestyle and, omigod, that means they have to do solos. Bristol, once again, has to be coached into sexing it up and Rick’s struggles with his enormous frame.

On the floor: It's quickly apparent how much the stars need their partners to make them look good. Poor Bristol stumbles aimlessly while flanked by Lacey and Cheryl, who are whipping their bodies into a mad froth of cha cha frenzy. Paired up with Mark at last, she pulls an unfortunate Snooki duckface in place of attitude and planks it through most of the dance with a few token shimmies thrown in. Rick, on the other hand, rocks it thanks to Cheryl, who gyrates enough for the both of them, frankly. But Kyle and Lacey own this one:  He’s as loose and fluid as a drain snake.

 


The judges: Len points out that this lot are the underdogs but “I gotta say you dogs got bite.” Bruno thinks Rick kicked it off brilliantly, but he was let down by Bristol, calling her a “fish out of water”. Carrie Ann says she’s never seen Rick on fire like that. No one mentions Kyle, which completely mystifies me.

The score: 24

Team Apolo: Kurt, Brandy and Jennifer

LES: Kurt’s out of his league, for a change; Jennifer’s tired and needs to take a break every two hours; and Maks, as per, bullies Brandy.

On the floor: As the song commands him to “bust a move,” Kurt pulls some strange dopey moves and faces; Brandy comes flying out the gate, a whirling dervish of hair and arms, and does her trademark opening-sequence shimmy while holding a right-angle backbend; poor tired 50-year-old Jennifer does the splits. This girl needs to shut up and stop whingeing.

The judges: Bruno: “Your hips don’t lie, Brandy, and you, Jennifer, you slinky siren—back on top, love it.” Carrie Ann: “Very tight, very crisp.” Len: “Individually you all upped your game.”

The score: 27

Round 2

More blasts from the past. Each couple must reinterpret an “iconic” dance from previous seasons, judged by the former star who performed it.

Kyle

The dance: The paso doble as perf0rmed by Mel B.
(This was an iconic dance? I’m sorry, but Mel stumbles. It doesn’t look so great to me.)

LES: Lacey helpfully points out, “It’s a tough, aggressive dance—things that Kyle really is not.” Plus, Kyle’s got to channel Maks, Mel’s partner. Some hope.

On the floor: Even though his outfit says marching band more that bullfighter, Kyle is one determined little guy. He pretty much nails it, but it's  kind of obvious that he’s acting his way through the dance rather than really feeling it.


The judges: Len: "That was your best dance.” Mel: “You blew me away, and you were very sexy.” Bruno: “You had the attack and the energy of an untamed young bull” but “you’ve gotta keep your shoulders down.” Carrie Ann: “When Mel performed it, she was in her own strength; I think you did exactly the same thing.”

The score: 59 out of 70

Kurt

The dance: The tango as performed by Emmitt Smith.
Emmitt was a standout—it was so gratifying to watch this strong, stocky man float like Fred Astaire. He was the master of defying expectations.

LES: Emmitt’s the only football player to win, so Kurt takes this as inspiration. Unfortunately, unlike Emmitt, Kurt’s very heavy on his feet. He’s annoyed when Anna insists “it’s not hard,” so he takes her on the field to show her that Look, here’s something I’M really good at that YOU can’t do, so there.

On the floor: They both come out with their fingers cocked a la James Bond for some reason. This, I guess, is the “character” part. They do a passable job. I’m not sensing much passion here, though: It looks more like a waltz with a few fancy steps thrown in.


The judges: Bruno: “You went from last week Mission Impossible to this week Mission Accomplished” but he adds that Kurt needs to watch his neck. Carrie Ann says there was an authoritative tone in his posture that she hasn’t seen before. Emmitt: “You look perfect, you’re dapper, you look good, your technique was excellent.” Len: “It was sharp, it had drama” but “you’ve got to learn the difference between flexed knees and bent knees.” Don’t we all.

The score: 57

Bristol

The dance: The Viennese Waltz as performed by Kelly Osbourne .
“This show has changed my life so much,” gushes Kelly. It sure has: New body, new hair, new level of stardom. Suddenly, Kelly is a style icon and America’s darling. And her dance was incredibly charming—she was genuinely having a great time.

LES: Against the odds, Bristol's still here but she’s got to keep improving. And she has to smile and look like she’s lost in the moment and loving it, like Kelly did.

On the floor: You just can’t fake this stuff: Bristol looks very nervous and her smile is a rictus grin. Her frock is a lovely, flattering shade of peach, however.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “You come in and out like a beautiful swan back into a pigeon that’s kind of like lost.” Kelly concedes that Bristol “had big shoes to fill” (humble much?) and “you did fantastic.” Len: “I enjoyed it very much; nice footwork” but “you still lack a little bit of chemistry together.” Bruno: You’re a natural mover” but “you can ignite a little bit more.” 

The score: 57

Rick

The dance: The quickstep as performed by Helio Castroneves.
Who's this guy?

LES: Rick has to look like he’s having fun, like Helio, who dressed up in a banana-yellow suit as Jim Carrey in The Mask. So he has his hot girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, come in to help him unleash his fun, goofy side. Well color me surprised. I had no idea the gorgeous girl who’s been cheering Rick on from the audience every week was Eliza Dushku. I don’t watch Dollhouse, though, so how would I know? She’s one of those actress’s whose name I recognize but whose face rings no bells at all.

On the floor: I thought they were supposed to reinterpret, not recreate. Rick simply swaps Helio’s oversize yellow suit for a green one. Still, the dance is fun, if a little too goofy.


The judges: Len: “You came out full throttle, it was good.” Bruno: “It was like the Indie 500... You did your best performance.” Helio congratulates Cheryl for putting a lot of his dance into it, so really ends up congratulating himself.  Carrie Ann: “By far your best.”

The score: 61


Brandy

The dance: The foxtrot as performed by Gilles Marini.
Gilles Marini is best known for displaying his manhood in the first Sex and the City movie and, as I recall, an impressive manhood it was. His foxtrot was also pretty damn hot.

LES: Brandy’s topped the leader board for two weeks now. She’s had a lot of failure, so she really, really wants to win. For this dance she has to be all hot and steamy and Maks is making her shy. Oh, yeah, she definitely has a mad crush.

On the floor: Her costume is a knockout and the leopard print gloves are a fabulous touch. For all her coy giggling backstage, Brandy turns up the heat every week: Their dance is practically nuclear.

The judges: Bruno: “That was a foxtrot sizzling with sex” but 
“there was a mistake.” Gilles got goosebumps: “That performance was unreal.” Carrie Ann saw the mistake too but gushes “You totally transitioned between elegance and beautiful hold, posture into ...” and she makes some suggestive guttural noises. Len is surprised everyone’s being so pedantic about a slight mistake when “we’ve just witnessed the most fantastic foxtrot...” The end of his sentence is drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

The score: 64


Jennifer

The dance: The tango as performed by wee Drew Lachey. Which only got three 10s.

LES: Jennifer was in the bottom two last week. And her body’s so tired. She’s bruised all over. She’s 50 years old! Jesus Christ, enough already: She’s like Sally O’Malley from Saturday Night Live. She cries and thinks her body might not make it to the end. This is her most depressing LES yet.

On the floor: Appropriately the song's refrain is "Shut up just shut up shut up" because, holy cow, the dance is flawless. Is this the same wreck we just saw blubbering about being 50?


The judges: Carrie Ann: “What no one loves more is to see someone come back after a really tough week and blow the doors out...” Out of what? We can’t hear for the cheering. Len: “I think all that frustration you vented in this tango. Really well done, welcome back.” Drew: “The musicality was amazing, your lines are beautiful. .. If you can make it a little bit longer, you got a real shot.” Bruno: “It’s was like watching a phoenix rising from her own ashes. More splendid than ever.”

The score:  64

Will Bristol finally go home tonight? Pretty please?

ELIMINATION UPDATE: Holy lord. Bristol is safe, again. Mama Grizzly must have the whole state repeat voting, that's all I can say.

It's down to Kyle and Rick, it should be neither, and... it's Rick. Wow. I'll miss this gorgeous man.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 6. Bristol Palin Goes From Chimp To Almost Champ

It’s Rock Week, the set is decorated with castoffs from the last KISS reunion tour, and we’ve got two hours to fill so we begin with Viewers’ Top 10 Favorite Dances Of All Time. As one of the 3.6 percent of DWTS' 20 million viewers who prefer not to watch the show live so that we can skip through the ads and all of Brooke Burke’s mind-numbingly repetitive Q&As, I’m sorely tempted to fast forward through this. But then I get sucked in because, oh look, there’s Apolo Ohno—who scores 2 out of the 10 favorite dances of all time, I had no idea he was so popular; the staggeringly gorgeous Giles Marini; and wee Drew Lachey, remember him? Plus, we get a nostalgic flashback to Cheryl Burke’s old face.

The biggest takeaway from this segment, however, is that by comparison, this season’s dancers are a pretty lame bunch. And here they come, filing down the staircase looking like extras from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, except for Bristol, who’s dressed for a summer revival of The Music Man. Jennifer Grey, as usual, shimmies her ass off during the opening pan, and I’m getting a little tired of it, to tell you the truth.

Up first:

Audrina

LES: Bruno’s “Don’t be plastic, be fantastic” quip is still ringing in little Drina’s ears after her remote rhumba last week and now she’s got to pull off another passionate dance, the paso doble. Can she muster some emotion behind those dead eyes and that frozen face? Also: “My boobs are in the way,” she cries. Wow, all that plastic surgery is really paying off.

On the floor: Technically she seems fine, but the face shows less emotion than Ludwig van Beethoven's death mask. Plus, she’s doing that thing again where she stares at Tony, hard, throughout the dance, following his every move and feeding off his energy instead of generating her own. It’s strangely vampiric and robotic at the same time.

The judges: Len complains that she’s getting on his nerves because “you’ve got the potential to blow us all away week after week” but her dancing “lacks the character.” Bruno agrees and suggests that for a Latin dance, she needs to channel the Evas Mendez or Longoria. Carrie Ann also agrees, but, “the improvement you’ve shown from Week 1 is ridiculous” and advises her to master “the intention.”

The score: 24

Kyle

LES: Last week Kyle got trashed by Bruno and Len, and he’s slipped from second from the top to second to last. So he practices at home with his brother, who’s wearing a ladies’ top.
 
On the floor. Kyle is a one big hunk of determination this week. Their tango is fierce, if a bit stompy, but I’m not sure how else it could be done to this great thumping song he and Lacey are stuck with.

The judges: Bruno: “You’re all grown up, all macho!” Carrie Ann loves how he puts the “Kyle stamp” on everything he does and adds, “The carriage was amazing this week.” Len: “I’m not gonna sack you, I’m gonna back you tonight.”

The scores: 23

Jennifer

LES: Little Miss No. 1 threw a hissy fit with partner Derek last week and her pissiness showed in her dance, so she tumbled to second place. Now she’s made all nice with Derek again and hurls herself into mastering the paso doble.

On the floor: It starts well but suddenly, disaaster. There’s a lot of rapid twirling involved and Jennifer gets dizzy and starts teetering like a drunken ballerina. She and Derek are both thrown off balance and totally screw up the big finish. (We even get an instant replay of their fuck-ups, it was that bad.)


And look, there’s BFF Jamie Lee Curtis and Jigsaw! Oh, beg pardon, that’s Melanie Griffiths.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “You need to calm down a little bit. Something is going terribly wrong and you’re going downhill. It was a rough, rough ride. “Len: “You got the attack, the aggression, the attitude” but “you lost a bit of the control.” Bruno: “That was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown!” He asks her to “tone it down a little bit.”

The scores: 20. A series low.

Rick Fox

LES: Two weeks in a row he’s been told to turn up the heat. He’s got the tango and he’s analyzing every single step now. Cheryl is not amused.

On the floor: There’s something a little scary about Rick tonight, and it’s not just his skunky mohawk, goth makeup and long beaded frock-coat that could belong to one of the ladies from Heart. The height difference between him and Cheryl is especially jarring this time: He looks like Frankenstein dancing with a rag doll. Still, Audrina could learn a thing or two about getting into character from this guy: The Fox has no fear on that front.


The judges: Len: “I thought you did an excellent job.” Bruno was scared: “It was like a Mohican on the warpath, I thought you were going to scalp her in the end!” Carrie Ann cautions him not to look so stern, but “I thought you balanced it perfectly.”

The scores: 24

Bristol

LES: Can Bristol live down the monkey-suit fiasco and rise from the bottom of the leader board? Will doing some air guitar during the tango prove she’s got a personality behind that dull exterior and those flat vowels?

On the floor: Well, well, what's this? Something’s changed about our little Bristol this week. She’s all business, and she’s actually projecting. And she doesn’t mess up once.

The judges: Bruno: “You’re all woman tonight! Best performance and best technique up to date.” Carrie Ann: “That was ridiculously amazing! Who are YOU?” Len: “Last week a chimp, almost a champ.” But he’s subtracting a point for the air guitar because they broke a rule: You’re not supposed to break the hold during a tango.

The scores: 23

Kurt

LES: He’s got to do the paso doble and break out his wild side. So Bret Michaels—who else?—comes to the rescue with a crash course on how to be a rock ’n’ roll asshole. I mean, badass.

On the floor: Kurt breaks out the frying pan hands again, but I guess the guy can’t help it. He tries to bring the badass, but the performance is typically underwhelming.


The judges: Carrie Ann: “It wasn’t polished and it didn’t come together tonight.” Len: “You looked awkward doing it, I felt awkward watching it.” Bruno: “You  looked like you were doing karate instead of spanish dances. “

The scores: 18

Brandy

LES: Brandy’s at the top of the leader board and she’s feeling the pressure. The tango is super-hard to learn. She has a great big cleansing cry.

On the floor: She kills it. There’s nothing else to say.


The judges: Len praises Max, for some odd reason, telling him: “You’re my hero... The dance of the night.” Bruno saw the Tina Turner in Brandy: “Now, that tango REALLY rocked.” Carrie Ann: “I had goosebumps all over my arms because it was like watching somebody who had been through a really tough time really truly develop their wings and fly.”

The scores: 26

The marathon: Everyone looks like they're trying out for the high-school dance scene from Grease. I’m not comfortable with this marathon gimmick. It reminds me too much of They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, one of the most depressing movies ever made. Brandy wins.

Who will go home tonight? I say Kurt.

UPDATE: Wrong again: It's Audrina. Now that I think of it, it makes sense. No one from her demo would be compelled to watch this show in real time and to vote. I can barely bring myself to watch it on the same night, and yes, I admit it, I don't vote either. So long, Audrina, we hardly knew ya.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 5. Bristol's Just Monkeying Around

Tonight’s gimmick is TV Theme Week. This the second week with a “first ever” theme, and while last week’s effort—intimate stage, two-tier scoring—seemed legitimate, this feels completely gratuitous. I don’t know if this is an attempt to spice up the format or what, but I think we're in for a rough ride.

The episode begins with a long-ass prerecorded segment in which each contestant is critiqued in great detail by a different judge. But it’s quite interesting to hear Len, Carrie Ann and Bruno get down to the nitty gritty of each contestant’s strong and weak spots without being summarily cut off by Tom Bergeron. And fantastic to see Len speak so passionately about the talent he sees in some of the dancers. (He kicks off his soliloquy on Miss Patridge with an enthusiastic, if slightly leering, “Audrina, have ya seen ‘er?” Way to keep the cockney rhyming slang alive, fella!)

The judges’ comments are illustrated by slo-mo footage that shows us a lot of the nuance that we miss at home, like how Kyle leads too much with his chin and how Bristol is a “natural mover.” Note to producers: This should become a regular feature to be incorporated into the Lowered Expectations Sequence. In fact, it should replace the increasingly contrived LES altogether, don’t you think? It's getting tired.

Onto the first performace.

Brandy

The theme: Friends.

LES: Brandy insists she loves this song. Like any good soul diva would. She also thinks it’s so appropriate because, you know, she and Maks are becoming friends at last. Brandy seems to be overcompensating for the previous weeks’ tension by kissing and touching Maks a lot. And to be honest, he looks a little skeeved out.

On the floor: Brandy and Maks are frantically doing the quickstep to a version of the Friends song that's sped up to Alvin & the Chipmunks fast. Somehow it looks more like a jive to me—there’s lots of running and skipping and little bunny hops, and it’s all over before it even began. I have no idea what I just saw.

The judges: Len: "I’m so impressed with that, I’m not joking!” Bruno: “You found the right formula. You were on it!” Carrie Ann: “You’re at a whole nother level right now.”

The scores: 27. Three 9s!

Florence

The theme: The Brady Bunch. Sigh. Poor Flo, as if she doesn’t have enough problems.

LES: Corky’s relieved that Flo’s body's holding up better than predicted. Then, for no apparent reason, Greg Brady turns up at rehearsal. Flo reminisces about how he had a big crush on her back in the day, she won’t confirm or deny any kind of “relationship”, they dance together and kiss on the lips and, yuck, I’m a little creeped out.

On the floor: They’re dancing the tango to the bouncy Brady Bunch theme? Oh come on. Flo and Corky are forced to speed through the tango’s intricate moves at a manic pace to sync up with the song and, quite rightly under the circumstances, they ham it up a little. It is so patently ridiculous.


The judges: Bruno thought it was “fabulous” at the beginning but is annoyed that she went “from classic to rag doll mode.” Carrie Ann: “I liked it. You're a sexy senior and you worked it.” But: “Some of the moves threw you off on the timing.” To which Flo replies, “You try to do the tango to the Brady Bunch theme.” Go, Flo, because you were screwed by the music again! Len is kinder: “You have got to Week 5 on merit, it's not a fluke. I think that's possibly your best dance so far.”

The scores: 21.

Kurt

The theme:  Bewitched

LES: Anna's from Russia, she’s never heard of Bewitched or Walter Payton; Kurt's never heard of the famous Russian dogs who went into space; gee whiz, so many cultural differences! Oh, and Kurt needs to get his scores up.

On the floor: They're dancing the quickstep. Anna does a few nose twitches. They camp it up a bit and look pretty damn goofy into the bargain. But for some reason, the crowd really eats it up.


The judges: Carrie Ann: “I just think I saw the spirit of Gene Kelly enter the body!” Len: “After last week the only way is up and up you have gone. A great performance.” Bruno: “The magic is back... Brilliant!”

The scores: 24.

Audrina

The theme: The Hills. Oy vey.

LES: Miss Drina brought no passion to the tango last week. Now she's got to do the rhumba. It's the dance of love. That's a little awkward for our wide-eyed, innocent girl. So Tony drops what he purports to be Richard Gere’s little secret: Eating raw onions will kill the awkwardness. Huh? Even Bergeron thinks that's a crock.

On the floor: Drina's rocking her skimpiest costume yet, which by the way is much more I Dream of Jeannie than The Hills. They're not really dancing, they're just kinda moving around and striking poses and, again, there’s such a major disconnect between the song and the moves that I just give up. This whole TV Theme really stinks.


The judges: Len: “Lovely feet and legs, nice hip action, but occasionally you looked a bit intimidated.” Bruno: “Technically you have improved...” but “Don't be plastic, be fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “Everything was gorgeous from the hips down” but “it was sort of still and dead.”

The scores: 23

Kyle

The theme: Charlie’s Angels

LES: Kyle's got to get that technique thing down, so Lacey brings in Kim and Chelsie because... Oh forget it, it’s just too tedious.

On the floor: So who’s Kyle supposed to be, Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction? Oh wait, it's Tom Bosley. Who just passed away, rest his soul. Kyle’s doing the foxtrot to what’s basically a disco song, so he and Lacey work in the robot and the bump and the hustle etc. and, insanely, it works.


The judges: Bruno: “You bring home the feel good factor” but “this was a foxtrot possessed by disco fever.” Carrie Ann: “I disagree! You were definitely focused on the technique and leading Lacey. I think you did a great job.” Len: “That was a joke. I couldn't stand it, I thought it was terrible.”

The scores: 20

Rick

The theme: Hill Street Blues

LES: Cheryl the Overachiever is pissed at Rick for not trying hard enough. “You're pushing me,” she pants at him. Girl’s so goddam feral. So he brings in his boys Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson for no discernible reason and, inexplicably, it calms her down.

On the floor: It’s the rhumba. Rick does tend to stick his booty out sometimes, but this guy has the smoldering down. And as per, he throws himself into character, never taking his steely gaze from Cheryl’s face once. Probably too scared she’ll bite him.



The judges: Carrie Ann: “Officer officer I'd like to report a crime! It should be a crime that you can look so good and rhumba so well. Whoo!” Len: “I really liked it, there's an ease and a elegance about your dancing” but “I didn't really get the feeling of a developing romance.” Bruno: “In a week you went from Megatron to Megasmooth, man.”

Total score: 24

Bristol

The theme: The Monkees

LES: She's still here. And she really needs to loosen up. So Mark takes her to clown lessons. Which is such a waste: Surely life at home with Mom is one big clown school already.

On the floor: It’s The Monkees. So they’re doing the jive in gorilla suits. Geddit? Sad. Poor Bristol tries, she really does, but her timing is way off. She busts out the boob shimmies again, but her face says, “Mommy, please, get me out of here!”

Len likes the monkey suits and he thinks he saw a high degree of performance from her for once. Bruno: “You tried to perform but the technique went down the swamee.” (I think that’s what he said.) Carrie Ann: “I saw a real transformation” but “you forgot a lot of the moves.”

The scores: 18

Jennifer

The theme: Married... With Children

LES: Little Miss Perfect gets a break with the foxtrot, a nice, slow-paced dance for a change. But during rehearsal she whines about not getting it and natters about needing sugar and bickers with Derek and storms out. What a brat. She’s totally channeling her Ferris Bueller character. It was a great role for her; now we know why! Speaking of which, let’s do a quick Then and Now.

On the floor: Yet again, this bitch has the best song. “Love and Marriage” was performed by  Frank Sinatra in 1955. Matching it to the foxtrot isn't too much of a stretch. Not fair. Jennifer floats through the dance, as usual, but there's a tinge of Stepford Wife about her performance: She seems a little detached.


Oh, there's Michael J Fox in the audience, and I want to cry as I watch him clapping. God bless him.

The judges: Bruno: “Pristine, elegant, beautifully danced.” Carrie Ann: “It was good, it wasn't nearly your best.” Len: “All a bit too theatrical. I don't think you need to waste 12 bars with a feather duster.” Sage advice, that. 

The scores: 25

Who will go home. Tonight?

 

UPDATE: Well, way to go, DWTS judges and producers—with your low scores and impossibly bad music, you made sure Florence would go home and take the useless, advertising-averse older demo with her. Her heart was in this; Bristol's is not. You officially suck.