If shoulder pads are seriously back in style, then the fashion industry needs to retire. Here we are, 10 years into the new millennium, and fashion is recycling itself at such lightning speed, soon everyone will be wearing Ugg Boots again. Oh wait. They never stopped, did they?
I'm no fashion historian, but I do know that around this time last millennium, fashion elements were being introduced for the very first time, like corsetless dresses, the bias cut and casual skirts. These were not simply old looks rehashed for a generation that was too young to remember them the first time around: They were experimental, revolutionary innovations. Throughout the decade, firsts galore: trousers, separates, knits, jeans, miniskirts, bikinis, the little black dress, minimalist shapes, the bra.
We've had clever twists on past styles, like Halston's revival of 30s and 40s glamour for the 70s disco era, or Vivienne Westwood's wildly witty, ironic takes on British classics dating back to the 17th century. But what's happening now is just straight-up reproduction. Back in the 80s, the shoulder-pad silhouette was an obvious homage to the militaristic shapes of the 40s: Women were back in the workplace after a brief fling during World War II. What's the latest incarnation, a nod to Dynasty? If so, why? The bejewelled, pointy shoulder was never a cool look. Why try to pass it off as hip or edgy now? And don't tell me it's ironic. Not when a Kardashian is wearing it. Same goes for the dreaded harem pants with the floor-sweeping crotch, which desperate designers have been trying to revive since 2007. Okay when swanning around the Studio 54 dancefloor with cocaine-packed nostrils; a joke when MC Hammer wore 'em; an even bigger joke now, I don't care how louche and model-skinny you are. Even worse: harem shorts. Just throw on a pair of Snuggies, no one will notice the difference. Superfluously, New York magazine asks, Are You Excited About Harem Pants, or Just Plain Terrified? The answer: Neither. Anyone who reads New York is too old for these, end of story.
The pouf skirt—been there, several times actually, in the 80s, 90s and again in 2003–5. The 80s pirate boot—I think it's been five years now. The gladiator sandal—three summers and still going strong! The Ray-Ban Wayfarer: The hepcat's choice in the 50s turned glamorous in the 60s turned rock-star cool in the late 70s/early 80s turned frat favorite by 1983 thanks to Tom Cruise in Risky Business, and now—in candy colors and stripes and plaid, oversized and undersized—as boring and ubiquitous as a Gossip Girl. Not clever. Not edgy. Not original. Just sad.
It must be crap to be in your teens or early 20s now, when the clothes being sent down the runway were all worn by your mom. Whatever they try to do to be stylish or edgy has been done and done and done some more. Their fashion choices are sloppy thirds and fourths and fifths at this point. They'll never know what it feels like to wear a brand-new look that's never been seen before. The upside? Hmm. I guess it's super-hip to recycle.
I love Martha Stewart for this. Now that we've finally broken 70 degrees, summer fashion faux pas are here! This year it's especially appalling, with the micro-mini and short-shorts trends being embraced by many who have no business even thinking about them. For in a town that prides itself on being a world-class style capital, New York is teeming with walking fashion disasters. Rules need to be laid down. And Martha has done it. 
So this, everybody, is the must-have shoe of the season.
Women are sacrificing their newborns to get a pair. Waiting lists are a mile long. It always amazes me that women are so willing to put their name on waiting lists for fashion items—it's the biggest cliché ever. So Sex and the City Season 2.
