I’m Not a Cat Lady

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Finale Results. And the Moment We've All Been Waiting For...

BRISTOL LOST!

Jennifer won. Kyle is second.

And... we're done.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 9. Please For the Love of God, Will Bristol Finally Go Home Already?

Hallelujah and praise be: This week, the semi-final, is only 90 minutes long. There are four couples left. And as Brooke Burke so eloquently puts it, “Tonight it’s the most important dances of the season so far.”  Each couple has two performances. So let’s get to it.

Round 1

Brandy

Lowered Expectations Sequence: After last week's outburst, Maks is chastened. He didn’t mean it, really. He was just being protective over his little flower, the one he likes to slap around a little every now and then. “I did it for you,” he tells Brandy.  “I'd have done it for you,” she coos back. Aw. Now that that’s out of the way, let's move on. Brandy acknowledges that she’s up against some stiff competition: Kyle, because “he’s got so much personality, he’s funny”; Bristol because “America loves Bristol Palin, she’s so nice you want to see her do well” or her mama will come at you with a shotgun; and then there’s Jennifer Grey, aka Baby, and “this is, like, legendary.”

On the floor: Brandy and Maks are dancing the paso doble and they are fiercely into it, whipping each other around in a storm of sturm und drang. It’s a bit like West Side Story meets Cat People as Brandy snarls and bares her teeth, a lot. These two are precision and determination personified. The only off-note here is Brandy’s peculiar Puffy Blouse. 

The judges: Len: “Great dancing and a great start to the show.” Bruno was afraind someone was going to get hurt. “You danced like a fury... Some of the finesse went a little bit, but as a performance, very, very strong.” Carrie Ann: “Your performance this week was amazingly passionate, I've never seen you more connected to your character as you were this week.”

The score: 27

Jennifer

LES: Last week she got a perfect 30. Suddenly it’s "Bum knee? What bum knee?" No whingeing this week, no sir. She’s got the cha cha cha and she's got a solo and she is PSYCHED.

On the floor: Jennifer gives Bruno a little lap dance before bursting onto the floor, a whirl of silver feathers a-bumping and grinding and twitching that tush. Nobody puts Baby in the corner indeed.

The judges: Bruno reenacts the dance, yelling, “The execution was flawless, your feet placement was fantastic, fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “I've been waiting all season to see Jennifer do a cha cha all by herslef and I was not disappointed.” Len: “You combined good technique with a really high performance level and you introduced fun and entertainment, no easy achievement.”

Coming up: Whitney Houston. Whazzat?

The score: 30.

Bristol

LES: She’s been at the bottom of the leader board for the sixth week in a row, waah waah. Mark says what we've all been thinking—that she's only got this far because of "who your mom is and the Tea Party." But in HIS opinion, “People at home are thinking, ‘That's exactly how I would be.'” And Bristol concurs. “I’m untouched and raw and vulnerable…I’m not typical Hollywood.” Just like her Mom isn’t typical Washington, she’s just a plain ol' soccer mom and she’s just like us and, gosh darnit, we need someone just like us to run the country so Vote for Palin in 2012.

On the floor: Bristol comes out with that Snooki face in a costume that would look right at home at Ozzfest, twirling and snapping her skirt and like a goth bullfighter and holding it open for Mark in a manner that looks unnervingly rude. She is using all her concentration to follow Mark’s lead every step of the way. And there’s Mama Bear in the audience, you know, the one who only got the most-watched debut in TLC history for her new show…These Palins are on a roll and I am not liking it one bit.

The judges: Carrie Ann commands Bristol to come and give her a hug. “This is what we've been asking for all season long, where you come out and you nail it!” Len: “I’m telling you, Bristol the Pistol, you fired a few blanks during the weeks but tonight it’s all guns blazing, your best dance, fabulous.” Bruno: “The little lamb is turning into a tigress.”

The score: 27

Commercial break. Keyboard Cat is hawking pistachios. How long has this been going on? I am so confused.

Kyle

LES: “You're the last manchild standing,” quips Lacey. Hee! And this competition is no joke to him anymore. He wants in on the finals, end of.

On the floor: Dancing the samba, Kyle comes out and… he moonwalks. Aw, I love this kid. He does a killer solo segment and shimmies and shakes his booty hard. As usual it’s a joy to watch these two, the most organically harmonious couple of the lot. They are dancing beautifully and they are having fun.

The judges: Len commends Kyle for not being a backstage drama queen like his fellow semi-finalists and adds, “I think you've got a bionic bum because you’ve got more bounce to the ounce than anyone during this season.” Bruno: “You truly are a bouncing bundle of joy. The samba is all about excitement and fun, and you are a natural generator of excitement and fun.” Carrie Ann is practically incoherent with joy: “I've never, ever seen so much pelvic action, ever. That was an amazing blend of entertainment and technique and bouncing up down and crazy technique.”

The score: 29

Round 2

Brandy

Okay, so it seems instead of a second round of Lowered Expectations Sequences we’re getting each contestant’s Background Sob Story about what makes them such fierce competitors. Here goes:

BSS: Ooh look, little Brandy was seriously bucktoothed as a kid… Bless! So was I. We see all about how she was a young singing wonder who had her first hit at 15 and—hoo, baby!—here’s Whitney, "Brandy's friend," looking kinda beat up and slurring a testimonial to young Brandy’s awesomeness. But then… her albums began to flop and in December 2006, Brandy was involved in a car crash in which the man whose car she hit was killed. Whoa, I forgot about that. She tells us about the depression that followed and how she didn’t leave the house for three months, and how, even though she was proven innocent of any charges, people still called her a murderer. I’m not so sure it was a good idea to remind us about all this. I have a feeling it could backfire badly.

On the floor: Brandy and Maks have the Argentine tango (and I’d like to mention here how much I love the way the British announcer on this show pronounces it the Argen-TYNE tango) and it is fierce perfection. Brandy is completely immersed. It’s like these two have been dancing this tango together for years.

The judges: Len: “You moved in and out of those lifts with effortless ease... You created a great atmosphere.” Bruno: “Lush, languid, voluptuous, full of flavor, great emotional depth.... stunning.” Carrie Ann: “Dynamic, passionate, powerful, amazing.”

The score: 30. Finally.

Jennifer

BSS: Jennifer, the daughter of Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, was a daddy’s girl (big surprise) and always loved to sing and dance and act ever since she was a wee lassie. There she is with her old face! It was all going swimmingly, and then… Another fatal car crash that most people probably forgot all about till right now. In 1987, she and then-boyfriend Matthew Broderick were involved in an accident on a small country road in Northern Ireland in which a local woman and her mother were killed. Matthew was driving on the wrong side of the road. He was fined just $150. Jennifer now claims that her neck has never been the same since then. Gee whiz, why did we have to go all the way back there? Wasn’t her cancer story enough?

On the floor: It’s the Viennese Waltz. And it’s perfect. But I can’t concentrate—I keep thinking about that car crash story.

The judges: Bruno: “A gem of a waltz. You are a great dancer and never forget it.” Carrie Ann: “Through dancing we can actually see people's souls. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.” Hello, is Derek crying? Len: “It was quiet, it was delicate, it was poignant… If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up because that was fabulous.” 

The score: 30

Bristol

BSS: Here we go. Alaska, Wasilla, Mama Grizzly getting more facetime extolling her daughter’s virtues: “When Bristol makes up her mind when she's gonna do something, you don't argue with her.” Which brings us to Levi and the badly timed pregnancy and the bump growing right there for all to see on national Tee Vee. Bristol tells us how hard it was when everyone said she was such a sleaze. And Mama Grizzly says, “They may wanna bring ya down but doggoneit, ya might as well dance!” And ya might as well run in 2012, right Sarah?

On the floor: She's in another Merrie Widow–black shroud with slits up to here, dancing the waltz. Her face looks dead again. Yes, she is much improved but she is still plodding through. She looks so heavy next to little Mark. And, I’m sorry, but her exposed leg looks like a tree trunk.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “In your paso you were fully in ownership in your dance... but you drifted out... But I still think you've come so far.” Len: “There’s a vulnerability about your dancing. I thought it was beautiful. Be proud.” Bruno: “I quite like the way you approached this waltz differently.” But: “I have to be honest... You really had a journey...” He struggles for words, for once. And suddenly Len takes a moment to congratulate the band.

The score: 26

Kyle

BSS: He grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and was always a little ball of energy. His mother took $10,000 out of her 401K to take her two talented sons to Hollywood, they struggled a lot, and it all  paid off. Let's face it, Kyle is too young and sunny to have a great big BSS. Good for him.

On the floor: He has the paso doble, and he kills it. Fierce and effortless. Oh my god, little Kyle is all growned up.

 
The judges: Len: “You are a star. In 11 seasons I don't think anyone has ever come out and performed with so much attack, so much enthusiasm.” Bruno: “Look at you—so strong, so sharp, so masculine. Whatever happens, you are Season 11’s Mr. Charisma.” Carrie Ann: “You know who you remind me of right now? Remember a guy called Emmit Smith?”

The score: 29

Will Bristol finally go home tonight?

RESULTS UPDATE: Jennifer's in... Kyle's in (yay!)... So it's between Brandy and Bristol. Oh, the suspense. The fear, the dread. And... Brandy's out. It's official. This show is so rigged. I'm out too.

POST-RESULTS UPDATE: A Wisconsin man shot his TV when Bristol got through. People are pissed!

 

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 8. Maks Is Mad As Hell and He's Not Going To Take It Anymore!

There are five contestants left. Two of them should be gone already: boring Bristol and uncharismatic Kurt. If one of these two isn’t in the bottom this week, I’m out. Instead, I’ll start recapping I’d Do Anything on Wednesdays on BBC America, the search to find a Nancy for the new West End revival of Oliver! I already saw the first episode and it’s a thrill to watch seriously talented people compete. I’m a sucker for the songs from that musical; there are super-cute little urchinlike Olivers competing as well; Graham Norton is the host; and John Barrowman and Barry Humphries are on the judging panel. In other words, it kicks Dancing With the Stars’ ASS.

Anyway onto the show. Here come the remaining stars down the stairs, the camera does the opening pan and Jennifer Grey, as usual, works it.

Tonight’s gimmick, Instant Dance: The couples must pick a mystery song after their first round and they'll have 20 minutes to prepare. Maks bitched about this to E! News last week, and I don’t blame him: It gets tiresome when unnecessary curveballs are thrown at the contestants—like on Project Runway, when the designers are given “twists” that involve adding another look at five minutes to midnight while blindfolded and standing on one foot. As Maks said, “I just think it's absolutely unnecessary pressure on celebrities that are already under pressure. It makes it harder for the professionals. It's really unfair to us because we are doing way too much.” The gloves are off.

Round 1

Kyle

Lowered Expectations Sequence: Kyle did good last week with his fiery paso doble. But can he do the Viennese Waltz? Lacey's losing her patience with his goofing around during rehearsa so resorts to the old Tough Love tactic by scolding him sternly, "Like your footwork is so bad!"

On the floor: And Kyle, as per, snaps into character like a champ. He's leading with his chin again but he looks like a little Emmitt Smith, light on his feet, smooth and graceful with good arms. He does a fabulous little twinkle-toes thing towards the end and Lacey giggles right into his mouth when it’s done: She’s pleased.

The judges: Len: “Last week I saw like a little bug; this week, a gorgeous orchid.” Bruno: "You have become this sophisticated, refined young man...This is the way to win this.” Carrie Ann: "My crush on Kyle is back in full force. The elegance was amazing... It was like watching a fairytale come to life.”

The score: 27

In a pre-taped segment, the judges explain why tonight’s Instant Dance theme isn’t so much of a gimmick after all. According to Len: “In a regular dancing competition, you have no clue what music you're going to get. As soon as that music starts you've got to pick up the beat and dance.” Well, who knew? So right after he gets his score, Kyle picks his Mystery Song for Round 2. It’s ‘Good Golly Miss Molly’ and—hee!—Kyle and Lacey are stoked because all week they’ve been practicing the jive. This is gonna be a cakewalk.

Jennifer

LES: After she regained her form last week, our Jen now realizes she has more in her than she thought and she’s got the quickstep this week which is relatively easy but still hard work and then... “Oh, my knee!” A doctor comes in and confirms she has a partial tear in her ligament and that if she keeps pushing it, she might be sorry. I know what that’s like—I only strained a ligament in my knee 10 years ago and now it gives me a little "howdy do" every time I do yoga and it sucks. Should Jennifer drop out of the show? Then her father, Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, drops in to remind her that The Show Must Go On. Wow, I forgot he was her dad. No wonder she’s so driven.

On the floor: She's perfect. If she's dancing through that pain, she is one hell of an actress and I have to wonder why she hasn’t had a more fruitful career. Although it must be said, Derek does two major fancy-stepping solos during the routine that effectively take the heat off her and give her knee a nice little break.

The judges: Each has some veiled advice for our Jen, which I will interpret. Bruno: “It was like watching a vintage Fred Ginger classic quickstep. Forget your troubles, come on get happy!” In other words, quit whining. Carrie Ann: “After watching that package I lowered my expectations”—hey now!—“but we can't do that. If you ever worry about whether you're loved, just look around this room.” In other words, stop with the attention-seeking, bitch. Len: “You say to Derek, ‘Let's face the music and dance,’ and that's what you did.” In other words, keep sucking it up, my girl.

The score: 27. Three 9s. I like to think that she missed out on a 10 because of that self-indulgent "package."

Mystery Song: ‘Waiting For a Girl Like You’ by Foreigner. Ew.

Kurt

LES: They have the waltz, which is all about big grace and movement. Kurt gets pissed with himself because it's like playoff week and he's a professional and, zzzzzzzzz... what? I'm sorry, I just dropped off for a second.

On the floor: He's all right, but he ain't no Rick Fox. Although I do feel a little bad for him that he’s forced to waltz to The Eagles’ egregious 'Take It To the Limit.’

The judges: Carrie Ann starts comparing him to a Ballroom Dance Ken doll but adds, “You are not quite at the same level as some of the other people but ... I see the effort with every single move you make.” Len: “There's nothing nicer than seeing a big guy come out being graceful, giving good movement round the floor. Overall the whole feeling of the dance was beautiful.” Bruno: “Obviously there are people that are better than you but you've come a long way.” Talk about damned by faint praise.

The score: 24

Mystery Song: ‘Hella Good’ by No Doubt. Crikey.

Bristol

LES: She's exhausted from being at the bottom of the leader board. She's missing her illegitimate son. She's tired and homesick, so she goes to go see her family—hasn’t she done this every week now?—so that Mama Grizzly can get some more screen time. She’s practicing the tango and she’s embarrassed. “Just dominate, just take over,” trills Sarah, borrowing from her own political strategery, as her husband just sits there, mute and duly emasculated.

On the floor: Bristol appropriates the Audrina Death Mask face, trying super hard to put all her focus into it. But her legs are oddly stiff and trunk-like: As Mark does all the tricky tango leg flaps, she holds hers limply aloft as if awaiting a shoe shine. 

 

The judges: Len: “It was clean, well placed, well rehearsed. Lacked a bit of intensity. You're coming out later to do your Latin. Cooooome out and give it some wellie, girl.” Bruno: “I thought you were actually mean and moody. Sometimes you lose the expression... You go in and out of it.” Carrie Ann: “I think this is the most intensity we've ever seen. But I want to see a little more energy in your legs.”

The score: 24

Mystery Song: ‘Mas Que Nada,’ the classic bossa nova number made famous by Sérgio Mendes. This is a godsend for a Latin dance—and, of course, completely wasted on Bristol.

 

Brandy

LES: She's really worried because topping the leader board week after week isn’t enough. As she says to Maks, “Rich and Audrina went home and Kurt and Bristol are still here.” Okay, she didn't say that last part, but she might as well have.

On the floor: They have the waltz. She comes out dramatically in a black velvet cape, which Maks whips off to reveal a fluttery silver-white gown and I think I'm watching the Ice Capades as they glide and flow and over-emote. Brandy looks like she's being transported to another place when she dances with Maks—a very sexxxxy place. Hmmm, I wonder... Anyway, it’s cheesy as hell, but flawless. I smell 10s.

The judges: Bruno is beside himself: “This was more than a dance, this was an exquisite interpretation to a song. It was like a symphony, it was like a poem.” Carrie Ann: “The emotional quality of your dancing, it's riveting. There's just one tiny adjustment I want to give to you. I want to see that neck relaxed." She picks because she sees her making it to the finals. Len: “I was overwhelmed by the whole performance.”

The score: 29. That neck cost her a point from Carrie Ann.

Mystery Song: 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry. Nightmare.

 

Round 2

Kyle

The dance: The jive

On the floor: He kills it. So good. And can I just say I'm not a huge fan of 50s rock ‘n' roll, but if you're gonna do the jive, you have got to do it to a proper 50s rock ‘n’ roll song. It’s just so much more fun for everyone. More musical choices like this, please!

The judges: Len: “You came out like a pocket rocket. It was a little bit wild and wacky but I really enjoyed it.” Bruno: “This was top of the league for entertainment value and creativity. I loved every second of it.” Carrie Ann: “That was by far the most fun I have had as a viewer, as a judge, this whole season!”

The score: 29

Jennifer

The dance: The rhumba

On the floor: Oh I hate this song. Jen and Derek strike lots of poses and twirl a bit, then she puts her leg on his shoulder and they hold it for an uncomfortably long beat. There’s something totally creepy about it. Plus, I couldn’t do any of this with my wonky knee. What drug is she on?

The judges: Bruno: “This was just breathtaking again, sensual, sexy, classy. Flawless!” Carrie Ann: “There is nothing more beautiful for me than to watch someone reclaiming their power.” Len: “The speed, the quiet, the soft, the hard, the big, the small, the fast, the slow: That's what makes great dancing and that's what we've just seen.”

The score: 30

Kurt

The dance: The cha cha cha

On the floor: He's throwing his all into it but he's off the beat a lot, he pulls some major dorkfaces and does some strange chattering thing with his mouth, like a dog eating peanut butter. But he’s into it, he thinks he did great and at the end whips his arms to the audience as if to say “Give it up!”

The judges: Carrie Ann: “Musicality has never been your strong suit” but “I've never seen you dance with so much charisma and there's like a very interesting new sex appeal going on... Two snaps up.” Len: “You've performed well but you've gotta straighten your legs a bit, your legs are flexed all the time.” Bruno: “You came out here, you let it loose and you had fun and you went for it.”

The score: 24. There are boos.

Bristol

The dance: The samba

On the floor: There’s one thing Bristol has shown she can do, and it’s that chest shimmy. And Mark is banking on it getting her through this sad samba, because he has choreographed her to do nothing but shimmy and point, shimmy and point. She is so out of her element. Somebody put a fork in her already.

The judges: Len: “For a difficult dance you did a wonderful job.” Bruno: “Bristol, you can shake it" and he commends her on her "Pencil Sharpener," which, we discover, is what that pointing thing is called. But... "The thing is, my darling, some bits were actually excellent but sometimes you lost it a bit.” Carrie Ann: “I think you’re growing more radiant with each performance but it sort of came in and out and off the beat, sorry.”

The score: 23

Brandy

The dance: The cha cha cha

On the floor: I had to hit mute for this one, the music is so vile. Looks to me like she nailed it. She does that backbend again—her party trick.

The judges: Bruno: “Another fabulous performance, I loved all of it.” Carrie Ann disagrees: “The thing of the instant dance is how quickly you get into the dance ... and I'm kind of shocked you took like four-eighths of the dance to get to your choreography... Kurt did more dancing and he got it on the first beat.” Maks bristles and begins to argue with her, “Relax, don’t worry about it... we did a lot of stuff.” They have a smackdown. Carrie Ann is giving him shit for doing a bad job. It’s not pretty. Len: “You did a waltz which was full of elegance and a totally different thing, a cha cha cha full of rhythm, full of performance, well done to you.” But he thinks Carrie Ann was quite right: It's supposed to be an instant dance, so you should dance instantly. And Maks is pissed.

The score: 28

It’s a tie between Jennifer and Brandy. And Maks is one angry dancer, taking his moment during the Brooke Burke Stock Questions segment to take a stand on behalf of his fellow professionals—who have only had the biggest break of their lives by landing a contract with the most-watched show in the country—against the abuse that they have been forced to endure for lo these five years. “We bust our butts every week, some of us for the last 10 seasons, and we feel that a lot of it is kind of being overlooked, so I feel like we're so proud of our stars.” Brooke cuts him off because she's thrown off-script—no stock answer! This does not compute! And Maks just might have cost Brandy the whole game with that attitude. Dude, just shut up and cash the check.

So... Who will go home tonight?

LIVE UPDATE: I just shrieked so loudly, I made my dog bark. Bristol is safe, and Brandy is in jeopardy. Although I'm not entirely surprised that Brandy lost votes because of Maks's stroppy outburst, because he is one arrogant piece of work, but it shouldn't have cost Brandy so dearly that she was outvoted by that lumpen girl. I don't know what's going on here, but it's bad.

So now, it's down to Kurt and Brandy. And... it's Kurt. Well, one out of two ain't bad.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 7. Jennifer Grey is 50 Years Old!

Audrina was booted off last week and in case you missed it, her mother Lynn delivered a priceless drunken rant about it to the HollywoodTV cameras, slurring that “Audrina is going to f***ing rise. She's got class.” She also took the opportunity to call all of her daughter’s costars from The Hills “tramps.” With a loose-cannon mother like that, no wonder Drina has learned to keep her emotions under wraps.


Now, on with this week's episode. Dancing With the Stars kicked off five years ago (is that all? Feels like 10) and tonight it’s the 200th episode. And, Tom Bergeron promises, “the drama is as intense as it’s ever been.” What a pity: I was so hoping he’d come on and say, “This week? Not much drama!” Wouldn't that be a twist? 

But, no, this week’s twist is one big homage to the Ghosts of Seasons Past, presented in two rounds. In Round 1, the remaining six contestants are split into two teams. Each is captained by former DWTS champions/Olympic gold medalists Kristi Yamaguchi and Apolo Ohno, who are introduced among flutes of steam and sweeping kleig lights, Iron Chef-style. The collective scores will be added to each individual’s score and yada yada, the numbers will be big.

First up is Team Kristi: Rick, Sarah, Kyle

In our first Lowered Expectations Sequence of the night: They’re doing freestyle and, omigod, that means they have to do solos. Bristol, once again, has to be coached into sexing it up and Rick’s struggles with his enormous frame.

On the floor: It's quickly apparent how much the stars need their partners to make them look good. Poor Bristol stumbles aimlessly while flanked by Lacey and Cheryl, who are whipping their bodies into a mad froth of cha cha frenzy. Paired up with Mark at last, she pulls an unfortunate Snooki duckface in place of attitude and planks it through most of the dance with a few token shimmies thrown in. Rick, on the other hand, rocks it thanks to Cheryl, who gyrates enough for the both of them, frankly. But Kyle and Lacey own this one:  He’s as loose and fluid as a drain snake.

 


The judges: Len points out that this lot are the underdogs but “I gotta say you dogs got bite.” Bruno thinks Rick kicked it off brilliantly, but he was let down by Bristol, calling her a “fish out of water”. Carrie Ann says she’s never seen Rick on fire like that. No one mentions Kyle, which completely mystifies me.

The score: 24

Team Apolo: Kurt, Brandy and Jennifer

LES: Kurt’s out of his league, for a change; Jennifer’s tired and needs to take a break every two hours; and Maks, as per, bullies Brandy.

On the floor: As the song commands him to “bust a move,” Kurt pulls some strange dopey moves and faces; Brandy comes flying out the gate, a whirling dervish of hair and arms, and does her trademark opening-sequence shimmy while holding a right-angle backbend; poor tired 50-year-old Jennifer does the splits. This girl needs to shut up and stop whingeing.

The judges: Bruno: “Your hips don’t lie, Brandy, and you, Jennifer, you slinky siren—back on top, love it.” Carrie Ann: “Very tight, very crisp.” Len: “Individually you all upped your game.”

The score: 27

Round 2

More blasts from the past. Each couple must reinterpret an “iconic” dance from previous seasons, judged by the former star who performed it.

Kyle

The dance: The paso doble as perf0rmed by Mel B.
(This was an iconic dance? I’m sorry, but Mel stumbles. It doesn’t look so great to me.)

LES: Lacey helpfully points out, “It’s a tough, aggressive dance—things that Kyle really is not.” Plus, Kyle’s got to channel Maks, Mel’s partner. Some hope.

On the floor: Even though his outfit says marching band more that bullfighter, Kyle is one determined little guy. He pretty much nails it, but it's  kind of obvious that he’s acting his way through the dance rather than really feeling it.


The judges: Len: "That was your best dance.” Mel: “You blew me away, and you were very sexy.” Bruno: “You had the attack and the energy of an untamed young bull” but “you’ve gotta keep your shoulders down.” Carrie Ann: “When Mel performed it, she was in her own strength; I think you did exactly the same thing.”

The score: 59 out of 70

Kurt

The dance: The tango as performed by Emmitt Smith.
Emmitt was a standout—it was so gratifying to watch this strong, stocky man float like Fred Astaire. He was the master of defying expectations.

LES: Emmitt’s the only football player to win, so Kurt takes this as inspiration. Unfortunately, unlike Emmitt, Kurt’s very heavy on his feet. He’s annoyed when Anna insists “it’s not hard,” so he takes her on the field to show her that Look, here’s something I’M really good at that YOU can’t do, so there.

On the floor: They both come out with their fingers cocked a la James Bond for some reason. This, I guess, is the “character” part. They do a passable job. I’m not sensing much passion here, though: It looks more like a waltz with a few fancy steps thrown in.


The judges: Bruno: “You went from last week Mission Impossible to this week Mission Accomplished” but he adds that Kurt needs to watch his neck. Carrie Ann says there was an authoritative tone in his posture that she hasn’t seen before. Emmitt: “You look perfect, you’re dapper, you look good, your technique was excellent.” Len: “It was sharp, it had drama” but “you’ve got to learn the difference between flexed knees and bent knees.” Don’t we all.

The score: 57

Bristol

The dance: The Viennese Waltz as performed by Kelly Osbourne .
“This show has changed my life so much,” gushes Kelly. It sure has: New body, new hair, new level of stardom. Suddenly, Kelly is a style icon and America’s darling. And her dance was incredibly charming—she was genuinely having a great time.

LES: Against the odds, Bristol's still here but she’s got to keep improving. And she has to smile and look like she’s lost in the moment and loving it, like Kelly did.

On the floor: You just can’t fake this stuff: Bristol looks very nervous and her smile is a rictus grin. Her frock is a lovely, flattering shade of peach, however.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “You come in and out like a beautiful swan back into a pigeon that’s kind of like lost.” Kelly concedes that Bristol “had big shoes to fill” (humble much?) and “you did fantastic.” Len: “I enjoyed it very much; nice footwork” but “you still lack a little bit of chemistry together.” Bruno: You’re a natural mover” but “you can ignite a little bit more.” 

The score: 57

Rick

The dance: The quickstep as performed by Helio Castroneves.
Who's this guy?

LES: Rick has to look like he’s having fun, like Helio, who dressed up in a banana-yellow suit as Jim Carrey in The Mask. So he has his hot girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, come in to help him unleash his fun, goofy side. Well color me surprised. I had no idea the gorgeous girl who’s been cheering Rick on from the audience every week was Eliza Dushku. I don’t watch Dollhouse, though, so how would I know? She’s one of those actress’s whose name I recognize but whose face rings no bells at all.

On the floor: I thought they were supposed to reinterpret, not recreate. Rick simply swaps Helio’s oversize yellow suit for a green one. Still, the dance is fun, if a little too goofy.


The judges: Len: “You came out full throttle, it was good.” Bruno: “It was like the Indie 500... You did your best performance.” Helio congratulates Cheryl for putting a lot of his dance into it, so really ends up congratulating himself.  Carrie Ann: “By far your best.”

The score: 61


Brandy

The dance: The foxtrot as performed by Gilles Marini.
Gilles Marini is best known for displaying his manhood in the first Sex and the City movie and, as I recall, an impressive manhood it was. His foxtrot was also pretty damn hot.

LES: Brandy’s topped the leader board for two weeks now. She’s had a lot of failure, so she really, really wants to win. For this dance she has to be all hot and steamy and Maks is making her shy. Oh, yeah, she definitely has a mad crush.

On the floor: Her costume is a knockout and the leopard print gloves are a fabulous touch. For all her coy giggling backstage, Brandy turns up the heat every week: Their dance is practically nuclear.

The judges: Bruno: “That was a foxtrot sizzling with sex” but 
“there was a mistake.” Gilles got goosebumps: “That performance was unreal.” Carrie Ann saw the mistake too but gushes “You totally transitioned between elegance and beautiful hold, posture into ...” and she makes some suggestive guttural noises. Len is surprised everyone’s being so pedantic about a slight mistake when “we’ve just witnessed the most fantastic foxtrot...” The end of his sentence is drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

The score: 64


Jennifer

The dance: The tango as performed by wee Drew Lachey. Which only got three 10s.

LES: Jennifer was in the bottom two last week. And her body’s so tired. She’s bruised all over. She’s 50 years old! Jesus Christ, enough already: She’s like Sally O’Malley from Saturday Night Live. She cries and thinks her body might not make it to the end. This is her most depressing LES yet.

On the floor: Appropriately the song's refrain is "Shut up just shut up shut up" because, holy cow, the dance is flawless. Is this the same wreck we just saw blubbering about being 50?


The judges: Carrie Ann: “What no one loves more is to see someone come back after a really tough week and blow the doors out...” Out of what? We can’t hear for the cheering. Len: “I think all that frustration you vented in this tango. Really well done, welcome back.” Drew: “The musicality was amazing, your lines are beautiful. .. If you can make it a little bit longer, you got a real shot.” Bruno: “It’s was like watching a phoenix rising from her own ashes. More splendid than ever.”

The score:  64

Will Bristol finally go home tonight? Pretty please?

ELIMINATION UPDATE: Holy lord. Bristol is safe, again. Mama Grizzly must have the whole state repeat voting, that's all I can say.

It's down to Kyle and Rick, it should be neither, and... it's Rick. Wow. I'll miss this gorgeous man.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 6. Bristol Palin Goes From Chimp To Almost Champ

It’s Rock Week, the set is decorated with castoffs from the last KISS reunion tour, and we’ve got two hours to fill so we begin with Viewers’ Top 10 Favorite Dances Of All Time. As one of the 3.6 percent of DWTS' 20 million viewers who prefer not to watch the show live so that we can skip through the ads and all of Brooke Burke’s mind-numbingly repetitive Q&As, I’m sorely tempted to fast forward through this. But then I get sucked in because, oh look, there’s Apolo Ohno—who scores 2 out of the 10 favorite dances of all time, I had no idea he was so popular; the staggeringly gorgeous Giles Marini; and wee Drew Lachey, remember him? Plus, we get a nostalgic flashback to Cheryl Burke’s old face.

The biggest takeaway from this segment, however, is that by comparison, this season’s dancers are a pretty lame bunch. And here they come, filing down the staircase looking like extras from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, except for Bristol, who’s dressed for a summer revival of The Music Man. Jennifer Grey, as usual, shimmies her ass off during the opening pan, and I’m getting a little tired of it, to tell you the truth.

Up first:

Audrina

LES: Bruno’s “Don’t be plastic, be fantastic” quip is still ringing in little Drina’s ears after her remote rhumba last week and now she’s got to pull off another passionate dance, the paso doble. Can she muster some emotion behind those dead eyes and that frozen face? Also: “My boobs are in the way,” she cries. Wow, all that plastic surgery is really paying off.

On the floor: Technically she seems fine, but the face shows less emotion than Ludwig van Beethoven's death mask. Plus, she’s doing that thing again where she stares at Tony, hard, throughout the dance, following his every move and feeding off his energy instead of generating her own. It’s strangely vampiric and robotic at the same time.

The judges: Len complains that she’s getting on his nerves because “you’ve got the potential to blow us all away week after week” but her dancing “lacks the character.” Bruno agrees and suggests that for a Latin dance, she needs to channel the Evas Mendez or Longoria. Carrie Ann also agrees, but, “the improvement you’ve shown from Week 1 is ridiculous” and advises her to master “the intention.”

The score: 24

Kyle

LES: Last week Kyle got trashed by Bruno and Len, and he’s slipped from second from the top to second to last. So he practices at home with his brother, who’s wearing a ladies’ top.
 
On the floor. Kyle is a one big hunk of determination this week. Their tango is fierce, if a bit stompy, but I’m not sure how else it could be done to this great thumping song he and Lacey are stuck with.

The judges: Bruno: “You’re all grown up, all macho!” Carrie Ann loves how he puts the “Kyle stamp” on everything he does and adds, “The carriage was amazing this week.” Len: “I’m not gonna sack you, I’m gonna back you tonight.”

The scores: 23

Jennifer

LES: Little Miss No. 1 threw a hissy fit with partner Derek last week and her pissiness showed in her dance, so she tumbled to second place. Now she’s made all nice with Derek again and hurls herself into mastering the paso doble.

On the floor: It starts well but suddenly, disaaster. There’s a lot of rapid twirling involved and Jennifer gets dizzy and starts teetering like a drunken ballerina. She and Derek are both thrown off balance and totally screw up the big finish. (We even get an instant replay of their fuck-ups, it was that bad.)


And look, there’s BFF Jamie Lee Curtis and Jigsaw! Oh, beg pardon, that’s Melanie Griffiths.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “You need to calm down a little bit. Something is going terribly wrong and you’re going downhill. It was a rough, rough ride. “Len: “You got the attack, the aggression, the attitude” but “you lost a bit of the control.” Bruno: “That was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown!” He asks her to “tone it down a little bit.”

The scores: 20. A series low.

Rick Fox

LES: Two weeks in a row he’s been told to turn up the heat. He’s got the tango and he’s analyzing every single step now. Cheryl is not amused.

On the floor: There’s something a little scary about Rick tonight, and it’s not just his skunky mohawk, goth makeup and long beaded frock-coat that could belong to one of the ladies from Heart. The height difference between him and Cheryl is especially jarring this time: He looks like Frankenstein dancing with a rag doll. Still, Audrina could learn a thing or two about getting into character from this guy: The Fox has no fear on that front.


The judges: Len: “I thought you did an excellent job.” Bruno was scared: “It was like a Mohican on the warpath, I thought you were going to scalp her in the end!” Carrie Ann cautions him not to look so stern, but “I thought you balanced it perfectly.”

The scores: 24

Bristol

LES: Can Bristol live down the monkey-suit fiasco and rise from the bottom of the leader board? Will doing some air guitar during the tango prove she’s got a personality behind that dull exterior and those flat vowels?

On the floor: Well, well, what's this? Something’s changed about our little Bristol this week. She’s all business, and she’s actually projecting. And she doesn’t mess up once.

The judges: Bruno: “You’re all woman tonight! Best performance and best technique up to date.” Carrie Ann: “That was ridiculously amazing! Who are YOU?” Len: “Last week a chimp, almost a champ.” But he’s subtracting a point for the air guitar because they broke a rule: You’re not supposed to break the hold during a tango.

The scores: 23

Kurt

LES: He’s got to do the paso doble and break out his wild side. So Bret Michaels—who else?—comes to the rescue with a crash course on how to be a rock ’n’ roll asshole. I mean, badass.

On the floor: Kurt breaks out the frying pan hands again, but I guess the guy can’t help it. He tries to bring the badass, but the performance is typically underwhelming.


The judges: Carrie Ann: “It wasn’t polished and it didn’t come together tonight.” Len: “You looked awkward doing it, I felt awkward watching it.” Bruno: “You  looked like you were doing karate instead of spanish dances. “

The scores: 18

Brandy

LES: Brandy’s at the top of the leader board and she’s feeling the pressure. The tango is super-hard to learn. She has a great big cleansing cry.

On the floor: She kills it. There’s nothing else to say.


The judges: Len praises Max, for some odd reason, telling him: “You’re my hero... The dance of the night.” Bruno saw the Tina Turner in Brandy: “Now, that tango REALLY rocked.” Carrie Ann: “I had goosebumps all over my arms because it was like watching somebody who had been through a really tough time really truly develop their wings and fly.”

The scores: 26

The marathon: Everyone looks like they're trying out for the high-school dance scene from Grease. I’m not comfortable with this marathon gimmick. It reminds me too much of They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, one of the most depressing movies ever made. Brandy wins.

Who will go home tonight? I say Kurt.

UPDATE: Wrong again: It's Audrina. Now that I think of it, it makes sense. No one from her demo would be compelled to watch this show in real time and to vote. I can barely bring myself to watch it on the same night, and yes, I admit it, I don't vote either. So long, Audrina, we hardly knew ya.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 5. Bristol's Just Monkeying Around

Tonight’s gimmick is TV Theme Week. This the second week with a “first ever” theme, and while last week’s effort—intimate stage, two-tier scoring—seemed legitimate, this feels completely gratuitous. I don’t know if this is an attempt to spice up the format or what, but I think we're in for a rough ride.

The episode begins with a long-ass prerecorded segment in which each contestant is critiqued in great detail by a different judge. But it’s quite interesting to hear Len, Carrie Ann and Bruno get down to the nitty gritty of each contestant’s strong and weak spots without being summarily cut off by Tom Bergeron. And fantastic to see Len speak so passionately about the talent he sees in some of the dancers. (He kicks off his soliloquy on Miss Patridge with an enthusiastic, if slightly leering, “Audrina, have ya seen ‘er?” Way to keep the cockney rhyming slang alive, fella!)

The judges’ comments are illustrated by slo-mo footage that shows us a lot of the nuance that we miss at home, like how Kyle leads too much with his chin and how Bristol is a “natural mover.” Note to producers: This should become a regular feature to be incorporated into the Lowered Expectations Sequence. In fact, it should replace the increasingly contrived LES altogether, don’t you think? It's getting tired.

Onto the first performace.

Brandy

The theme: Friends.

LES: Brandy insists she loves this song. Like any good soul diva would. She also thinks it’s so appropriate because, you know, she and Maks are becoming friends at last. Brandy seems to be overcompensating for the previous weeks’ tension by kissing and touching Maks a lot. And to be honest, he looks a little skeeved out.

On the floor: Brandy and Maks are frantically doing the quickstep to a version of the Friends song that's sped up to Alvin & the Chipmunks fast. Somehow it looks more like a jive to me—there’s lots of running and skipping and little bunny hops, and it’s all over before it even began. I have no idea what I just saw.

The judges: Len: "I’m so impressed with that, I’m not joking!” Bruno: “You found the right formula. You were on it!” Carrie Ann: “You’re at a whole nother level right now.”

The scores: 27. Three 9s!

Florence

The theme: The Brady Bunch. Sigh. Poor Flo, as if she doesn’t have enough problems.

LES: Corky’s relieved that Flo’s body's holding up better than predicted. Then, for no apparent reason, Greg Brady turns up at rehearsal. Flo reminisces about how he had a big crush on her back in the day, she won’t confirm or deny any kind of “relationship”, they dance together and kiss on the lips and, yuck, I’m a little creeped out.

On the floor: They’re dancing the tango to the bouncy Brady Bunch theme? Oh come on. Flo and Corky are forced to speed through the tango’s intricate moves at a manic pace to sync up with the song and, quite rightly under the circumstances, they ham it up a little. It is so patently ridiculous.


The judges: Bruno thought it was “fabulous” at the beginning but is annoyed that she went “from classic to rag doll mode.” Carrie Ann: “I liked it. You're a sexy senior and you worked it.” But: “Some of the moves threw you off on the timing.” To which Flo replies, “You try to do the tango to the Brady Bunch theme.” Go, Flo, because you were screwed by the music again! Len is kinder: “You have got to Week 5 on merit, it's not a fluke. I think that's possibly your best dance so far.”

The scores: 21.

Kurt

The theme:  Bewitched

LES: Anna's from Russia, she’s never heard of Bewitched or Walter Payton; Kurt's never heard of the famous Russian dogs who went into space; gee whiz, so many cultural differences! Oh, and Kurt needs to get his scores up.

On the floor: They're dancing the quickstep. Anna does a few nose twitches. They camp it up a bit and look pretty damn goofy into the bargain. But for some reason, the crowd really eats it up.


The judges: Carrie Ann: “I just think I saw the spirit of Gene Kelly enter the body!” Len: “After last week the only way is up and up you have gone. A great performance.” Bruno: “The magic is back... Brilliant!”

The scores: 24.

Audrina

The theme: The Hills. Oy vey.

LES: Miss Drina brought no passion to the tango last week. Now she's got to do the rhumba. It's the dance of love. That's a little awkward for our wide-eyed, innocent girl. So Tony drops what he purports to be Richard Gere’s little secret: Eating raw onions will kill the awkwardness. Huh? Even Bergeron thinks that's a crock.

On the floor: Drina's rocking her skimpiest costume yet, which by the way is much more I Dream of Jeannie than The Hills. They're not really dancing, they're just kinda moving around and striking poses and, again, there’s such a major disconnect between the song and the moves that I just give up. This whole TV Theme really stinks.


The judges: Len: “Lovely feet and legs, nice hip action, but occasionally you looked a bit intimidated.” Bruno: “Technically you have improved...” but “Don't be plastic, be fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “Everything was gorgeous from the hips down” but “it was sort of still and dead.”

The scores: 23

Kyle

The theme: Charlie’s Angels

LES: Kyle's got to get that technique thing down, so Lacey brings in Kim and Chelsie because... Oh forget it, it’s just too tedious.

On the floor: So who’s Kyle supposed to be, Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction? Oh wait, it's Tom Bosley. Who just passed away, rest his soul. Kyle’s doing the foxtrot to what’s basically a disco song, so he and Lacey work in the robot and the bump and the hustle etc. and, insanely, it works.


The judges: Bruno: “You bring home the feel good factor” but “this was a foxtrot possessed by disco fever.” Carrie Ann: “I disagree! You were definitely focused on the technique and leading Lacey. I think you did a great job.” Len: “That was a joke. I couldn't stand it, I thought it was terrible.”

The scores: 20

Rick

The theme: Hill Street Blues

LES: Cheryl the Overachiever is pissed at Rick for not trying hard enough. “You're pushing me,” she pants at him. Girl’s so goddam feral. So he brings in his boys Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson for no discernible reason and, inexplicably, it calms her down.

On the floor: It’s the rhumba. Rick does tend to stick his booty out sometimes, but this guy has the smoldering down. And as per, he throws himself into character, never taking his steely gaze from Cheryl’s face once. Probably too scared she’ll bite him.



The judges: Carrie Ann: “Officer officer I'd like to report a crime! It should be a crime that you can look so good and rhumba so well. Whoo!” Len: “I really liked it, there's an ease and a elegance about your dancing” but “I didn't really get the feeling of a developing romance.” Bruno: “In a week you went from Megatron to Megasmooth, man.”

Total score: 24

Bristol

The theme: The Monkees

LES: She's still here. And she really needs to loosen up. So Mark takes her to clown lessons. Which is such a waste: Surely life at home with Mom is one big clown school already.

On the floor: It’s The Monkees. So they’re doing the jive in gorilla suits. Geddit? Sad. Poor Bristol tries, she really does, but her timing is way off. She busts out the boob shimmies again, but her face says, “Mommy, please, get me out of here!”

Len likes the monkey suits and he thinks he saw a high degree of performance from her for once. Bruno: “You tried to perform but the technique went down the swamee.” (I think that’s what he said.) Carrie Ann: “I saw a real transformation” but “you forgot a lot of the moves.”

The scores: 18

Jennifer

The theme: Married... With Children

LES: Little Miss Perfect gets a break with the foxtrot, a nice, slow-paced dance for a change. But during rehearsal she whines about not getting it and natters about needing sugar and bickers with Derek and storms out. What a brat. She’s totally channeling her Ferris Bueller character. It was a great role for her; now we know why! Speaking of which, let’s do a quick Then and Now.

On the floor: Yet again, this bitch has the best song. “Love and Marriage” was performed by  Frank Sinatra in 1955. Matching it to the foxtrot isn't too much of a stretch. Not fair. Jennifer floats through the dance, as usual, but there's a tinge of Stepford Wife about her performance: She seems a little detached.


Oh, there's Michael J Fox in the audience, and I want to cry as I watch him clapping. God bless him.

The judges: Bruno: “Pristine, elegant, beautifully danced.” Carrie Ann: “It was good, it wasn't nearly your best.” Len: “All a bit too theatrical. I don't think you need to waste 12 bars with a feather duster.” Sage advice, that. 

The scores: 25

Who will go home. Tonight?

 

UPDATE: Well, way to go, DWTS judges and producers—with your low scores and impossibly bad music, you made sure Florence would go home and take the useless, advertising-averse older demo with her. Her heart was in this; Bristol's is not. You officially suck.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 4. Florence Henderson, Too Sexy For This Show

I'm a little late with this recap: After the judges totally screwed Margaret Cho last week, it was with a heavy heart that I came to Episode 4. Also, it was a gorgeous day today, so I went to the beach. I’m not getting paid to do this, so what the hell?

On with the show. Tonight it’s Acoustic Week and the stars have never been under so much SCRUTINY! They’re going to be judged on both technique and performance for the First Time Ever! Omigod, this is HUGE!

Sheesh! Anyway, tonight instead of the usual wedding-reception-style brass, there are there are violins, cellos, string guitars and an accordian. And… hey look, it’s my girl!

The set’s been simplified, too: It’s a one-ring circus with a small circular stage, and the dancers sell this new concept hard. They tells us all about how it’s more intimate, it’s so much smaller, the audience is so much closer, the music is all stripped down, everything changes, we as the dancers have never done this before. All right, all ready, we get it: The stakes are super-high tonight.

And excuse me, but what in the hell has Karinna done to her lips?  Somebody needs to lay off the Buxom Big & Healthy Lipgloss: I know she's going for Angelina Jolie, but this is more Sandra Bernhard. Not cute.

Finally, the dancers.

Kurt

Lower Expectation Sequence: Kurt’s doing the rhumba and he’s married. He’s nervous about doing The Dance of Love with someone other than his wife, so he has her come in and watch. He needs his wife’s approval. He likes to say “my wife” a lot. Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit tragic?

The performance: This doesn’t look like the rhumba to me: Kurt and Anna just seem to be stepping back and forth and striking poses and twirling each other around a little. Also, their song, "Drops of Jupiter' by Train, couldn’t have less to do with the rhythm of rhumba if it tried. It’s just distracting from everything they’re doing.

The judges: Len: “Laterally you’ve got a very nice hip action going there,” but he doesn’t care much for Kurt’s pivots. Bruno is still stuck on the frying pan hands: “You look like you’re catching a football.” Not only that, he didn’t feel the heat. Carrie Ann: “I loved the performance.” But she wants him to watch the arm movement, too.

I love how Len wearily flinches from Bruno’s effusive commentary: He’s all, “Oh my giddy aunt,  here goes the bleedn’ Italian flappin’ ’is arms again.”

The scores
Technique: 15
Performance: 19
Total: 34 out of 60

Brandy

LES: Brandy can’t do a sexy rhumba when big bully Maks does nothing but tell her how unsexy she is. Besides, she hasn’t been with anybody in six years; she doesn’t feel sexy at all. (Girl? I hear you.) So Maks takes her on a big fat fake date.

The performance: Brandy does the dance in sparkly underwear draped in a chiffon bedsheet. It works for her. But she’s really just voguing here—and again with the arms. Their music, Maxwell's 'This Woman's Work,' sucks. Why bother with the lovely acoustic arrangement and then just lumber the contestant with these shite songs? How are we supposed to know whether they're dancing in rhythm or not?

The judges: Bruno loved the performance: “It was like watching two lovers stealing a moment of passion in a moonlit garden,” but “sometimes your hands were a bit erratic.” Thank you! Carrie Ann: “There you are, I’ve been waiting for the real Brandy to show herself... It’s like your comeback night!” Len liked the fan and the hockeystick (huh?) but the dance was “a little bit hot and spicy for my taste.”

The scores
Technique: 22
Performance: 26
Total: 48

Rick

LES: Rick’s doing the Argentine tango and, finally, his height is an advantage because they get to do lifts. But: The big guy might throw Cheryl right into the audience.

The performance: The song is 'Violentango'—some dance-appropriate music at last! Rick, incredibly spiffy in his white dinner jacket and Clark Gable stache, looks like he’s concentrating reallyreally hard. But he’s got some pretty intricate footwork to contend with here. He pulls off that funny flapping-leg tango move, their moves look effortless—and he manages not to kill Cheryl during the Big Lift.

The judges: Carrie Ann is underwhelmed. “I didn’t feel like the passion was steaming out of you.” Len: “I thought your lifts were excellent. Your legs could have been slightly crisper and sharper” but “all round a very good performance.” Bruno: “It was a little bit like Megatron; it didn’t come across as musical as it could have been.”

The scores
Technical: 19
Performance: 20
Total: 39

Kyle

LES: He of the “atrocious footwork” is doing the rhumba. He likes to make fart noises during practice. How the hell is this kid going to pull off “sexy”?

The performance: And... Back to shite music, 'Nothin' on You,' this time with an extra dose of god-awful rapping.  Nevertheless, Kyle brings it. I don’t care how technically adept he is: He makes me happy and it’s a joy to watch him.  Just look at him and Lacey, how can you not love them to pieces?


The judges: Len: “Your footwork is much better but it had a stacatto feel.” (Um, yeah, what wouldn’t with that hellacious song?) Bruno: “You always play it well...” but he agrees with Len. Carrie Ann likes the innocence, telling him “your dynamic isn’t really sexual” but “”I loved the performance, you still lit up the room.”

The scores
Technical: 18
Performance: 22
Total: 40


The Situation

LES: It’s The Situation. He’s doing the tango. Disaster beckons.

The performance:  Oh dear. But you know what? He gets through it, he hits his marks, he doesn’t make any major blunders, so good for him. Unfortunately, when he lifts Karina, he looks like he's hauling a sack of potatoes.




The judges: Bruno: “You know that was a terrible mess.” Carrie Ann: “On behalf of all the women I would like to welcome The Situation’s abs to the show." Then she adds, "It was a rough ride.” Len: “It was consistent: It was bad throughout.”

The scores
Technique: 12
Performance: 16
Total: 28

Poor Sitch. He looks really gutted after getting those awful scores. He even got a new haircut for this week’s performance.

Florence

LES: Flo has to work on her “nonexistent technique” for the rhumba. She’s not worried about bringing the sexy—come on, she’s FloHo!—and in fact she even thinks she might bring too much.

The performance: Their song, a dripping wet version of 'Yesterday,' is pure sabotage. Even Shakira couldn’t pull off a sexy rhumba to this nonsense. But Flo gives it the old college try and, honestly, she looks gorgeous. I just had a passport photo taken the other day and the result is a tragedy I now have to live with for the next 10 years. I wish I could have looked a quarter as good a Flo looks right here.


Not only that, damn can she move. The woman is 76 years old. Look how limber she is. Look at her leg placement. Look at her hip placement.


Flo and Corky do some serious grinding: They get the biggest cheer of the night. It was fabulous.

The judges: Inexplicably, they look like this:


Carrie Ann: “What just happened? You’re Mrs. Brady! You definitely proved that age is no barrier to how sexy and raunchy and dirty you can be,” but “you went just a little too far.” What? Len: “It was much better than I expected, well done!” Bruno throws around a bunch of adjectives and concludes with a frosty, “I’ve seen better.”

The scores
Technique: 17
Performance: 18
Total: 35

I don’t understand. Kurt and Rick are criticized for not being sexy enough; Flo is penalized for being too sexy. Is this ageism? Mrs. Bradyism? Do the producers want to bump her for demo reasons? I am hating the judges this season; Flo deserves way better than this.

Jennifer

LES: It’s the tango for Jen and she’s got a sore back and a neuroma in her foot yada yada. “I’m sorry I’m so old,” she tells Derek weepily. He pumps her up: “Believe that you’re awesome.” So cute.

The performance: No suspense here: It’s flawless. It’s like watching The Pros—Jennifer might as well just join up as one of the dancers next season. At this point I don’t care about her aches and pains: It’s so obvious she’s far more trained than the other contestants and, frankly, I’m a little bothered by her unfair advantage. Plus she gets the best tango song of the night, the classic 'La Cumparsita.'


The judges: Len: “Excellent techique, great performance skills, a magnificent combination.” Bruno: “A prime-time delight!” Carrie Ann: “That was Uh. May. Zing.

The scores
Technique: 27
Performance: 29 Two 10s—the first of the season.
Total: 56

Bristol

LES: She’s a 19-year-old mom, how is she going to do the sexy dance? Which is pathetic: Girlfriend knew how to do the sexy dance back when she was 16 and conceived her kid. Enough with the self-pity... And enough with the shots of her at home with the kid, too.

The performance: The song is 'Umbrella.' Sigh. Poor little Bristy-poo tries hard to get there, but she doesn’t quite make it work—despite stripping off Mark’s shirt, which is just a bit desperate. Even worse, Mama Grizzly’s in the audience.


The judges: Bruno: “You’re always kind of clean... But your moves never go anywhere.” Carrie Ann: There’s no effort. I want to see you dance with much more intensity.” Len did not like the shirt strip but, he avers, “Your performances lack conviction but I thought your technique was there.”

The scores
Technique: 18
Performance: 14
Total: 32

Audrina

LES: Audrina’s got a lot of botox in her face: It’s frozen. The best she can do is squint. Nope, she can't even do that. Will she be able to emote enough for the tango?


The performance: Their song, Jefferson Airplane's 'Somebody to Love,' is just bizarre and their tango moves look pretty absurd in this context. However, despite her deadface, Drina is technically superb and as pliant as seaweed.


The judges: Carrie Ann: “You seem to lack energy at your ankle.” Len: “It was clean, it was clear” but “I didn’t get transported to a seedy club in Buenos Aires” It’s not hot and raunchy enough for Len. Bruno: “You performed a bit like The Ice Queen tonight” but he praises her technique.

The scores
Technique: 24
Performance: 22
Total: 46

Who will? Go home tonight.

UPDATE: It's between Briston and The Situation and, shocker, it's The Sitch. You know, he wasn't such a bad guy. Still won't ever get me to watch The Jersey Shore, though.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 3. Margaret Cho Is Robbed Again!

I'm really annoyed. I want to know what the judges have against Margaret Cho that they keep giving her The Devil's Number week after week. She is not worse than Bristol the Dancing Plank or rubber-legged dunderhead The Situation, yet both get higher scores. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It's Week 3. And it’s Story Night. You remember Story Night: It was the theme last season that brought us the nightmarish spectacle of a ghoulish-looking Kate Gosselin doing the paso doble to 'Paparazzi'—a sight we'd all sooner forget, but of course, ABC has to show us once again. So, in case you missed it: Enjoy.

Will this season's stars manage a trainwreck of such epic proportions?

Here they come down the stairs, all in some manner of extreme costume—our dear Margaret Cho being the most extreme in a fringed rainbow flag frock and a yellow-feathered headdress that's just this side of insane.

Bristol’s in a sparkly raincoat, Florence is channeling Maria from The Sound of Music, and Jennifer Grey is dressed like... Sarah Palin? Is this a wink to last week's Boogate?

Now that there are only 10 couples left, there’s more time to fill in this bloated two-hour timeslot—which really should be reduced to 90 minutes by now—so we get a super-cheesy opening number by a bunch of Russian dancers known as The Pros. Time to fast forward.

Onto the dancers. First up is Movie Star Jennifer Grey.

Last week's score: 24

The Story: Derek is hot for teacher. And he’s got some real-life experience: He had a crush on “Mrs. Foxy” when he was at in the third grade. Aww. All Jennifer has to do is be hot, which she doesn't seem to have any problem with.

Low Expectations Sequence: They’re doing the samba, it’s hard, Derek’s pushing her, Jennifer’s fried. But don’t worry: This chick has drive; she wants to stay on the top of that leader board so she’s gonna "kick this samba in its aaaaaasssss." (That's how she says it. It's a little creepy.)

On the floor: Kinky! Jennifer is Naughty Teacher, lashing young Derek with a ruler, dragging him by the ear, and then stripping off her sweater to reveal… a blouse that looks like it was attacked by wolves. Also: Those weird, chap-like fringed trousers. The dance, however, looks flawless.

The judges: Len loves the story and the choreography, but is concerned with the little “twiddly bit” that happened at some point that I sure didn’t notice. Bruno: "You are the sexy mistress of Cougar Town’s Academy of Samba!" but he nitpicks about getting tangled in the roll and something about a pivot, which I also didn’t notice. Carrie Ann: "Tonight you were slightly out of sync... And you had a big mess up in the  middle.” Still, they get three 8s.

Total score:  24

America’s Favorite TV Mom Florence Henderson

Last week's score: 20

The Story: Surprise! They’ll be dancing to 'Edelweiss' from The Sound of Music.  And guess what: Flo played Maria on Broadway wayyyy back in the 60s. And excuse me, look at her, she hasn’t changed a bit!

LES: Florence has never done a waltz like this, but seems pretty confident with this one—even though she's wearing a terrible striped sweater that looks straight out of Carol Brady's wardrobe. Then she starts talking about her late husband, John, whom she’s reminded of while practicing the waltz and when she talks about how she misses him, my eyes starts stinging. Consider my heartstrings plucked.

On the floor: Oh crap, after this slow, sad version of 'Edelweiss', le deluge. This song always makes me cry when I'm watching The Sound of Music, but while watching DWTS? I am so ashamed! Maybe it’s the wine. Anyway, I think Flo’s dance is beautiful: She glides and she twirls and she spins on one foot with the toes of her other foot nicely pointed. Very classy. Plus, she and Corky look like a little waltzing couple that used to come out of my parent’s old cuckoo clock on the half hour.

The judges: Each has praise with a caveat. Bruno: "Simple, effective, very very sweet." But: “You were stopping to get into a figure and then starting again." Carrie Ann: "I definitely think John is smiling down on you. Really touching..." But: "A little on the simple side." Len: "It was poignant, it was emotional, it was sweet." But: "The technique in your feet is nonexistent." He gets booed. And, no, Sarah Palin is nowhere to be seen.

Total score: 20. Flo gets only a 6 from Len. That’s rough; clearly, her flirting with him isn’t working.

Oh look, in the audience, it’s Kelly and Sharon Osbourne! I must say I love Kelly’s look these days. The platinum hair is working for her, and I am loving her on Fashion Police. Sharon, meanwhile—hair’s a little bouffy, girl! And the waxy face! She needs to take it all down a notch.

Superbowl MVP Kurt Warner

Last week’s score: 21

The Story: Someone’s having a bad day. Because their song is 'Bad Day.'

LES: Kurt’s a big guy. Can he be graceful and elegant or will he look like "a big tree running around on the dance floor"? Anna decides the perfect practice for him will be a little tea party with his two adorable blonde daughters and a plastic infant.

On the floor: There’s a Singin' in the Rain thing going on, with a brolly, some rain and, inexplicably, a red phone box. Kurt plays the guy who says “Come on, luv, smile, it may never ’appen!” to Anna’s surly Russian spy. Then he does a solo twirl with his umbrella, hoping, I guess, to evoke Gene Kelly. Not in this lifetime.

The judges: Carrie Ann: "It was so charming!" Len says it was lacking musicality through the arms but “everything else was penthouse.” Bruno liked the Brief Encounter scenario but he nearly clocks Len while imitating Kurt’s “frying pan hands.” 

The score: 23. Bruno brandishes the lone 7 with some relish.

Comedian Margaret Cho

Last week’s score: 18

The story: It's all about expressing pride, happiness and joy. And coming out!

LES: How is Maggie going to control The Face? Not only that, she’s on tour and rehearsing all at the same time. She's knackered.

On the floor: The song is 'Copacabana,' which totally explains the yellow feathers in her hair. Cute! And she is shakin’ that rainbow-flag dress! Maggie can do the hips, she’s all fluid and bouncy and happy, and not a Dragon Face in sight. She messes up the footwork pretty badly halfway through, but seems to bounce right back, which can’t be easy. They end with a bang of rainbow streamers, which she didn't seem to be expecting: She's tickled pink.

 
Look how cute her moms and pops are!

The judges: Len was encouraged at the start by the rhythm and hip action but “you lost it in the middle.” Bruno: "I praise you for wearing the rainbow flag, keep waving it, girl!" But: “You lost your timing.” Carrie Ann loved the story but “you lost control, it was like 'release the beast!'” Oh, bitch-bitch-bitch!

The score: The Devil’s Number again! Not one 7? Come on!

The Hills’ Star Audrina Patridge

Last week’s score: 23

The Story: A marine comes home to his wife in a dream. I think.

LES: This dance, a waltz, needs some serious emotion, and Audrina says she’s not used to showing her emotions. This from the girl who cried throughout rehearsal last week over her boyfriend, and never stopped blubbering over Justin Bobby on The Hills. Another problem: She’s got to try to figure out how to dance with these weird flesh bubbles under her arms.

On the floor: Drina’s a natural—she makes it look effortless. The arms are gorgeous, and look, no flesh bubbles! But sorry, the face is still dead.

The judges: Bruno: "Beautifully danced and beautifully played—a hit!" Carrie Ann has a quibble over her toe pointing but "the competition just got very interesting." Len prematurely announces: "That was the most touching dance of the night," even though we still have five dances to go.

The score: 26. Drina gets two 9s!

And now, a quick cut to my girl in the backup band.

Teen Activist Bristol Palin

Last week’s score: 22

The Story: Partner Mark is a homeless person; Bristol takes pity.

LES: Bristol’s scared to death and nervous about looking into Mark’s eyes and doesn’t know how to get into character and she giggles too much. Because she’s not a performer, remember? Remember? And she’s a single mom. And she’s traveling around all over the place preaching abstinence. Life is so hard!

On the floor: Bristol discards the sparkly raincoat and reveals... Another truly dreadful, homemade-looking dress. It adds five pounds to the five pounds already added by the camera. Very poor choice. As for her dancing, she looks extremely stiff and uncomfortable out there; she all but lumbers through it.

The judges: Carrie Ann: "Umm... That was a hard one." Uh-oh. She says her movement was quite lovely but the face “wasn’t happening.” Len says he told her to take a chance this week; she did, and he didn’t like it that much. Bruno says the execution is neat and clean, but "you’re not Meryl Streep yet. I know there’s something in there—show it to me, baby!” Oh dear, these scores are not going to be good.

The score: 19. Bruno throws her a 7. It’s a pity point, and it isn't fair. She does not deserve a better score than Margaret Cho. What's going on here—are the judges scared of Mama Grizzly?

R&B Singer Brandy

Last week's score: 21

The story: The Bodyguard.

LES: The tension in rehearsal is as thick as Maks's beard. Tabloid rumors abound that she and Maks hate each other, which they’re both desperately denying this week. However, it's not pretty watching Maks smack her around during rehearsal. No wonder she's  pissed.

On the floor: She comes out lip-syncing to this hideous version of 'Put It in a Love Song' and, I don’t know, I’m seeing Brandy the R&B diva, not Brandy the ballroom dancer. There's a lot of solo stuff in this performance: She dances around Maks rather than with him; she does that same chest-shakin’ shimmy she's done every week now; her arms are still snaking all over the place. She’s technically outstanding but it looks too much like music video choreography to me.

The judges: Len: "It had energy, it had punch, good hip action." But Len is very unhappy about the practice sequence: "Slapping her on the arse is not the way to train in my opinion." Bruno: "I’m starting to see the comeback of the diva! Way to go, girl!" Carrie Ann doesn’t condone “that kind of teaching” but “it worked!” She praises Brandy's arms. Didn't I just say there was way too much arm?

Total score: 24. I don't get it. I must be watching another show.

Disney Star Kyle Massey

Last week's score: 22

LES: Kyle and Lacey are given 'Take It To the Limit' by The Eagles. "Who are The Eagles?" Lacey demands. They chuck it. Hah! They get 'Falling in Love at the Coffee Shop' instead. Now the only problem is: Can Kyle be serious, soft and delicate enough for the waltz?

On the floor: Surprise! Kyle's very graceful: light on his feet, smooth moves,  good arms, sober attitude. But then, as they go into a dip, Kyle can’t resist pulling a goofy face at the camera.

The judges: Bruno: "You’ve got the likability factor sewn up!" Carrie Ann: "You just bring the fun to the floor! I loooooovvvved it!" Len: "Your acting level is very high, your performance level is very high, your footwork is atrocious, it’s non existent."

The score: 23

The Situation

Last week's score: 18

The Story: Something about a time machine, The Situation 2.0 and FrankenSinatra.

LES: Can The Situation find his musicality, remember his steps and be less pigeon-toed?

On the floor: They’re doing the foxtrot to 'Boom Boom Pow.' It's truly terrible. I’m so distracted by it I can’t decipher what’s going on—there's a giant beaker, flashing light, steam, and a costume change where Karina comes out all gothed up and The Situation, in a studded net shirt, looks ready for an evening at The Cock. There’s virtually no dancing, it’s just Karina twirling off the end of The Situation’s arm as he strikes various poses and walks alongside her. His rubber legs are not helping. He looks suitably embarrassed when the dance is over.

The judges: Carrie Ann: "You are baby stepping your way to becoming a dancer." Len: "If that’s the future, I’m glad I live in the past." Bruno: "In a very weird way, that was very very entertaining."

The score: 20. This goober got two 7s, and Margaret Cho got none? Wrong. Very, very wrong.

NBA Champion Rick Fox

Last week’s score: 21

The Story: Rick costs his teammates the latest game and he’s drowning his sorrows at the bar. 

LES: They're dancing the samba. Cheryl wants Rick to loosen up those hips and control those long limbs and be sexy, goddammit!

On the floor: Cheryl shakes some serious booty on the bar—not sure about her part in this story, is she a lap dancer come to make him feel better?—and then, whoa! Rick rips open his shirt and gives us full torso. Not bad, but he’s no The Situation, bless him. The audience roars: His booty shake is a crowd-pleaser and a wife-pleaser, too—she’s all “Yessss! That's my man!”

The judges: Len: "You’ve gone up a notch tonight." Bruno: "You’ve definitely got the hot cheek... We want to see more of that"! Carrie Ann: "It was hot, it was sexy, it was goooooooood!”

The score: 24

Who? Will go home?

UPDATE: It's between Bristol, who brings zero entertainment value, and Margaret, who brings fun and energy to everything she does.

It's Margaret. Words fail. The Plank lives to lumber another day.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Get Out the Pooper Scooper, Sarah Palin's in the House!

This season, intones Tom Bergeron, “No star is safe... Ballroom tempers are flaring!” Cut to Brandy calling Maks an asshole; Michael Bolton protecting his chin from germs; Audrina Partridge crying; and Florence Henderson yodeling like Tarzan.

It’s Dancing With the Stars, Week 2—welcome to the show! Brooke Burke flatly thanks us for making them The No. 1 Show of the Season--Tom’s like, “Eh! So what’s new?”

Tonight it’s the quickstep or the jive--a very big deal, apparently, in testing each contestant’s ballroom mettle.

We kick off with Rick Fox and the DWTS patented Low Expectations Sequence: reveal each star’s personal handicap during rehearsal—injury, illness, two left feet—and then anything that comes after that looks good.

Rick’s LES is all about the tribulations of his almighty size—The Tank has to find some lightness, dag nabbit!—and his career-ending tendon injury that makes his foot go like this:

On the floor: Rick busts out a kick-ass jive that’s all about the ass, actually—Cheryl’s wearing knickers with TUSH emblazoned across her cheeks, which he gives a nice little slap. Of course he comes up smelling like roses—and I sure hope so because, when the dance is finished, on comes that sweat!

The judges: “You have become a contender here,” pronounces Len, who actually clapped along to the dance—which is a bit like seeing your grandma head-banging along to Rush. Bruno: “It’s like trying to get a Californian condor trying to dance with a hummingbird, but you actually did it.” Carrie Ann liked him better last week. She gets booed. Quite right.

Total score: 21

Florence Henderson

LES: "Television's Most Famous Mom" wants to make something clear: She doesn’t want to be “Oh look, there’s the 76-year-old who can actually walk”, and she’s not just here to be the “older comic relief.” But, bless her, the quickstep is a little too quick for her. She’s exhausted.

On the floor: After some opening dithering in which Corky pretends she’s stepped on his foot, Florence glides through rather nicely, albeit a little limply. Why oh why was she lumbered with this dreadful version of "Suddenly I See"? Not appropriate for her or the quickstep! Who does the song selection for this show?

By the end of the dance, Corky looks pretty knackered but Florence never loses her Showbiz Face. What a trouper.

The judges: Bruno cruelly invokes Driving Miss Daisy; Carrie Ann rubs in the age issue, even though she means it as a compliment; and Len insists that age, illness, and injury will never influence his judgment: He wants her back next week. 

Total score: 19

Brandy

LES: She and Maks are butting heads. He doesn’t like her doing her own thing and he’s pushing her. They bicker. “Maks, you’re passive aggressive!” “I’m passionate!” Could this be love?

On the floor: Brandy does the jive in sexy Japanese schoolgirl mode, to yet another shockingly naff song, 'Magic'. I’m not feeling Brandy this week—she’s going through the motions, hitting the marks; then, in a silly non sequitur, she does a music video-style solo sequence and walks off at the end channeling Ru Paul or Miss Jay, all “sister-mama-girlfriend-mm-MMM!” Girl, please.

The judges: When Carrie Ann gently reprimands her for not pointing her toes, Maks jumps in to defend her and Brady sushes him: “She’s trying to help me!” They’re like an old married couple already. Len: “You’ll never dance badly because you’ve got great coordination” but calls her performance “a little bit brittle.” Bruno criticizes her for looking like a backup dancer for Gwen Stefani and adds, “‘Okay’ from you is not good enough.”

Total score: 21

Michael Bolton
LES: He’s in a mean mood this week—he has larygnitis and arrives at rehearsal wearing a face mask. He whines about how wee young Chelsie is pushing him and then scolds her like she’s one of his kids for saying “whatever”. It’s ugly.

On the floor: Worst Jive Ever. Clad in a heinous leopard-print jacket, he crawls out of a dog house then virtually just staggers awkwardly around after Chelsie. There is zero sense of rhythm or performance here. When we cut to the judges, Bruno’s rubbing his temples.

The judges: Len: “It had everything in there and probably needed a pooper scooper to finish it off.” Bruno concurs: “You should have kept the bone and gone back into the dog house” and calls it “probably the worst jive in 11 seasons”, which, strangely upsets Uncle Len. After his pooper scooper crack, is he kidding? Carrie Ann tries to soften the blow by commending him for the tragic crawling choice—which, to be fair, was Chelsie’s. Bad call.

Total score: 13
(Shocker: Bruno gives him a mere 3. The crowd boos.)

Audrina Patridge

LES: Oh dear. Seems Audrina’s DWTS schedule is harshing her relationship mellow and she brings her boyfriend trouble into rehearsal. It’s a flashback to The Hills: Once again, Drina’s hooked up with a dude that just isn’t that into her. (Because if he was, he’d be there in the audience, now wouldn’t he?) Why does this chick have such bad taste in men? And will poor Drina be able to make it through her routine?

On the floor: Hell yeah. I’ve gotta admit, she’s pretty good!

Bruno: “The show pony is turning into Secretariat!” Carrie Ann: “Huge improvement!” And she says “balls.” Hee! Len: “The best dance so far tonight!”

Total score: 23
(At rehearsal, for comic relief, Tony says he’s going to wax his legs if they get less than three 8s. Bruno give them a 7; Tony’s gotta wax his legs! And Boring Brooke gets it all wrong. Oh, that pesky math!)

Yay! Here’s the band, and here’s my girl!

Jennifer Grey

LES: Well this is a big one; talk about burying the lede. Jennifer Grey had four surgeries. She only found out by having a routine check to see if she was up to par to perform in the show. She had cancer and her spinal cord was suppressed.  The goal is to get her doing the jive “without killing her”. Those are some mighty high stakes.

On the floor: She kills it. The song is "Shake It", and our Jen takes it quite literally. She's all hotsy-totsy in a champagne fringed number that she works like hell—complete with O-face.

Hey, there’s Jamie Lee again! And thanks to our intrepid friends at Celebritology, now I know why: They’re BFFs.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “You’re like this sexy hot energizing bionic bunny out there!” Len: “Full-on, fabulous job.” Bruno: "You nailed it, that was wicked!”

Total score: 24

There’s suddenly booing in the ballroom, just before “guest commentator” Sarah Palin’s superfluous ringside interview with Tom. Oh how I hope that’s what the booing was about! There she is, all greasy lipstick and hideous Bumpit hair hill. Even Snooki’s lost the pouf, lady—let it go!

UPDATE: Aw, shucks. The booing really was for Jennifer Grey's score—the crowd wanted all 9s, not 8s. The proof, via Mediaite.

I have a feeling that giving Sarah airtime was a condition for Bristol’s appearance, as part of her build-up to her 2012 presidential bid. So I refuse to quote her.  

Margaret Cho

LES: Maggie says that after her dismal scores last week, she was persona non grata backstage: “After people would talk to me they would use hand sanitizer, trying to get the loser off.” Aww, that’s awful! Partner Louis forbids her to do the faces and hide behind the comedy this time. She cries, because she’s beginning to discover that she really is a dancer. A much better reason to cry than Drina’s!

On the floor: Maggie comes dangerously close to making That Face again, but I’m beginning to think it’s involuntary in this instance—she’s concentrating. That’s just what her face does. And once the dance starts, she snaps right out of it: She looks happy, she looks light, she’s bouncy and flirty and feminine in her frou-frou New Wave style hot-pink and zebra outfit.  What a change from last week! I think she’s the breakout of the night.

The judges: Why they’re so underwhelmed, I can’t figure out. Len wants her to work on the kicks; Bruno wants her to “tighten her buttocks”, Carrie Ann wants her to watch her shoulders and to rein in those facial expressions. “That’s just what my face is like, I can’t help it!” Maggie says. See, I told you! And she giggles just like the Asian girls she lampoons in her act.

The score: 18. Three sixes: The Devil’s Number. What?!?? She was robbed.

Kyle Massey

First of all, I love how Kyle completely brushes off being in the bottom two last week. He doesn’t even mention it—he’s just all about being “twice as good.” I want him to be in the top 3 SO BAD!

LES: It’s lack of endurance. And flexibility. And junk food. Lacey works in some “hip youthful moves” to tailor the ye olde fashioned quickstep to young Kyle’s personality, and he promises it’s going to be the “coolest, hippest, sexiest quickstep of the night.”

On the floor: Lacey wears a gown with a big frothy layered net skirt that completely obscures Kyle’s legwork, so we can hardly tell. The super-daggy song, 'I Want You To', isn’t helping.

The judges: Bruno says Kyle’s a powerhouse, but he needs more control, which seems to be the theme of the night. Carrie Ann says he’s a little flat-footed but “welcome to the new school of the quickstep”—she loves it! Len says Kyle looked as if he was engulfed in a huge feather duster and that it lacked any style but adds, “I liked it!”

Total score: 22

Kurt Warner

LES: There are no lowered expectations here: Kurt’s super-cocky this week, he even brags about implementing his own fancy moves. The big showoff.

On the floor: Talk about gung-ho. Kurt throws in a few handclap pushups and launches right in, and his dancing is impeccable—except I’m deeply distracted by his white man's overbite and lip-synching along with the song, 'Highway to the Danger Zone'. At the end, he throws in his Big Move, a salute, which one he’s so proud of. He’s so psyched with himself, he high fives the whole front row as he runs offstage. What is it about this guy that creeps me out? He’s like the aging jock at the kegger shouting “Boo ya!”

The judges: Carrie Ann says he reminds her of “everyone’s favorite uncle at the wedding who’s had a little too much to drink”—another backhanded compliment, it turns out. She’s good at those. Len: “Last week was the outhouse; tonight’s the penthouse!” Bruno calls him “a cool guy who does a cool jive” and declares, “You’ve got it!”

Total score: 21

The Situation

LES: He’s still here. And The Situation wants to dance to club or hip hop, not Brian Setzer’s version of 'Americano'. Despite the hard abs, he dances like The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, all floppy arms and pigeon-toed feet. Not lookin’ good.

On the floor: Not lookin’ any better. He’s all over the place, looking a life-size ragdoll whose feet are attached to Karina’s with elastic bands. But his heart is really in this: The Situation wants to have some class, he wants to be a contender, instead of just a bum, which is what he is let’s face it.

Len: “It was a series of unfortunate events” but still thinks he did a good jog. Bruno thinks he’s a “very very nice guy” but says “you were drunk all the way through.” Carrie Ann criticizes his lack of musicality and blurts out the obvious: “You’re a little pigeon-toed!” Is that something that can be fixed with practice?

Total score: The Devil’s Number

Bristol Palin

LES: One word: Mom. Bristol brings partner Mark home to Alaska to meet her, as if that’s some kind of awesome reward. I call bullshit: This is more evidence that Sarah let Bristol do the show on the condition that the cameras came to her house and filmed her in full Supportive Mom mode—even though she is dolled up in full makeup, big Bumpit-hair and QVC jewelry. And for the third time we see the shot of her apeing Bristol’s big shimmy from last week. And I mean apeing: She makes a monkey noise when she does it. Not cute! When she praises her daughter for getting up there, it feels totally faked.

On the floor: Little Bristol is wearing a very strange lilac bridesmaid dress with long purple petticoats that look like they were sewn in as an afterthought, to protect her modesty. She does an admirable quickstep, but still looks like a little girl dancing with her daddy at the wedding. 

The judges: They’re unanimous. Bruno likes her fresh, non-showbiz quality but wants her to amp it up; Carrie Ann says her vulnerability reminds her of Kelly Osbourne, which, yes, is a compliment; Len says she’s nearly there but she just needs to “wow us a bit more.”

Total score: 22.

Who's going home?

UPDATE: It's between The Situation and The Bolton. Good choices, voters!

And... It's The Bolton. And is he pissed!

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: It's Never Too Late To Panic

Bongos, red lights, cheesy brass, that singer with the crazy African-style tiara.

It’s the Season 11 premiere of Dancing With the Stars!

I haven’t watched DWTS for a few seasons. I used to, religiously, because as an editor at a national TV magazine at the time, it was my job. When it wasn’t my job anymore, I stopped. And I might not have watched this season, either, except the TV happened to be tuned to ABC at 8pm tonight, and once I saw the lineup, I couldn’t turn away.

On with the show. Here come the stars:

Audrina Patridge, whose name always seems like a typo.
“Music legend” Michael Bolton.
Some rather chubby Disney kid.
NBA champ Rick Fox.
The fabulous Margaret Cho—oops, and she trips!
Brandy.
A flight attendant. Oh, wait, it’s Bristol Palin.
Somebody else, who? I missed his name.
Carol Brady!
Ech! The Situation.
Jennifer Grey.
And... The Hoff.

The camera pans, they boogie and shimmy around, Bristol Palin does a chipmunk smile and a coy hand-flap of a wave. She looks extremely ill at ease. Jennifer Grey looks very... smooth.  She’s seems to have borrowed  Nicole Kidman’s forehead. Johnny Weir could do a few nice spirals on that thing—even her partner, Derek, looks surprised.
First up, it’s Audrina, with her curiously dead eyes and her weird overly plumped lips and conspicuously fake breasts. And those teeth! Remember when Matt Dillon’s huge fake veneers were a big joke in There’s Something About Mary? They called him Chompers? How did this ever become a coveted look?

For the benefit of the countless viewers who have no idea who she is, Audrina says,“I’m best known as the fun-loving party girl on The Hills.” Um, no you’re not, sweetie, that would be Kristin Cavillari. You’re known as the silly little simp who kept letting Justin Bobby stomp all over you, season after season. And for getting your bobos done.

On the floor, Drina certainly looks the part, filling out her skimpy Big Bird–yellow outfit very nicely indeed, but she keeps her dead eyes glued to partner Tony Dovolani throughout the routine, looking for her cues—much like she did throughout her relationship with Justin Bobby.

She might be the whole package but the box is empty: there’s no expression, no passion, no oomph. As Bruno Toniolio says, “You look like a beautiful show pony that needs to be pushed to the limit and whipped into shape, my darling.” And a million men enjoy a very different  interpretation of that statement. Dead-eyed Drina and her teeth just stare.

We have the requisite witless chat with Brooke Burke, another vapid, siliconed brunette. Then Brooke announces, “You can call, text or log on to abc.com; Tom?” Why does Brooke throw back to Tom Bergeron in exactly the same annoying voice as her predecessor Samantha Harris did? For God's sake, girl, come up with something original! Try a downward inflection, perhaps?

Next: Kurt Warner, the NFL guy whose name eluded me earlier. Not exactly exuding charisma—he’s kind of a lunk.

I love how he’s all “I’m the first quarterback” on the show and then he gets on the floor and, clearly, he’s no Emmit Smith. As the dance ends, Kurt tosses his partner Anna Trebunskaya aside so he can stride manfully across the dancefloor to kiss his wife. Ick! Why does this strike me as arrogant?

Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno go easy on Kurt but Cranky Uncle Len Goodman totally slams him, saying his dance has "very little to commend it." I have to say I agree.

Total score: 19

Next up, the Disney kid, Kyle Massey, who looks like a little Forrest Whitaker.

He's full of chutzpah, saying, "I'm gonna nail it," which is nice, but expectations are low—he’s the proverbial fat kid of the group, and since when is the fat kid good at anything? And then... Hah, you haters! He’s great! With his jiggly middle and all. Carrie Ann’s got her arms in the air, all “Whoo! I’m in LOVE,” and nearly gives Cranky Uncle Len a myocardial infarction when she leaps up to imitate Kyle’s shimmy.

Bruno says he wants to take Kyle home. I can't believe he's going there already.

Total score: 23

Hey now! Here comes Rick Fox, and he's all kinds of gorgeous.

He’s like Obama on stilts. And he’s partnered with win-or-die Cheryl Burke, who has to get special shoes so she can at least come up to his chest. Wow, Cheryl looks really different from the last time I saw her , and she sounds so adenoidal. Why do you suppose that is?

    
Cheryl Then                       Cheryl Now

It’s showtime. Will their height difference scupper them? Hell no! They’re good. He is wonderful--he's smooth, he glides, and shoots out those long arms—"hits his lines," in DWTS speak—at gorgeous angles. He’s quite a sweaty fella, though; jeez, he’s dripping.

But even Cranky Uncle Len is tickled pink. He LOVES it.

Hello, there’s Jamie Lee Curtis sitting in the audience. What’s she doing there? And is that Mark Burnett next to her?

 Total score: 22

It's time for Margaret Cho. I love her, I really do, but those goddamn tattoos. I try to understand, but I just can’t. So distracting.

She does her mom, which is my favorite thing ever--- and look, there’s her mom in the audience!

 
Maggie's practice session isn’t good. “You’re doing it like you’re sitting in the bathroom doing number 2,” pronounces her partner, Louis van Amstel, decorously.

On the floor, she punks us all by doing the Viennese Waltz quite beautifully—and promptly ruins it by pulling a Dragon Lady face and doing some insane semaphore with her cape, or gossamer bat wings, or whatever it is she’s got on her shoulders, like a constipated Madame Butterfly.

She turns it into a comedy routine, complete with pratfall.  Oh dear. Poor Maggie. It’s clearly a case of the old “I’ll make fun of me before you can,”and it totally backfires. Bruno says it best: “What the hell was that?”

Total score: 15

Tom introduces Brandy. There are a couple of old dears in the front row behind him. Bless!

Brandy's partner, Bad Boy Maksim, announces he’s is going to try to be a Good Boy this season. Yeah, right. Brandy’s has a wee crush on Maks. It’s cute, look at her face.

She wants him to be rough with her. All right! What a good match. On the floor, they look fantastic together. She’s a natural with “the lines” and she’s just upped the game. Didn’t we know she would?

 Total score: 23

Finally, the flop everyone’s been waiting for: It’s “teen activist” Bristol Palin, shakin’ her chest. Gah!

Poor Bristol, she’s a bit of a dumpling, just an average-looking young girl with a flat voice and not a whole lot of personality. As if we need the confirmation, she announces, “I’m not an entertainer, I’m not a performer”; in other words: I SHOULDN’T BE HERE. And, with some heavy-handed irony, her song will be “Mama Told Me Not to Come.”

It’s showtime, she’s in that god-awful sparkly flight attendant’s suit and then, The Big Reveal. She busts out of it and underneath is a harlot-red mini fringed number.

Bristol can shake that fringe all she wants, she's as sexy as a little girl in a children’s beauty pageant. For the dance, she only just manages to hit her marks. She gets a 6, 6, 6. The Devil’s number!

Total score: 18

Going to break: Florence Henderson flashes her abs and bra and says, "Look out, The Situation, I've got a 12-pack here." Love her. Can she please get the Betty White treatment next?

Back from break: There’s Jamie Lee Curtis again. WHY?

It’s Florence’s turn. She looks amazing, she really does. And she’s one salty old broad—which, unfortunately, is becoming a cliche for the over-70 celebrity set. During the performance, she does too much  showbiz face--eyes and teeth! eyes and teeth!--with a few truly bizarre grimaces thrown in. 

She’s a little stiff--I guess she would be, at 76—and she’s just okay. She gets the Devil’s Number, too.

Total score: 18

I’m skipping over Michael Bolton, I’m sorry. Sheesh, what a bore. And what a waste for cute little Aussie gal Chelsie.

Total score: 16

And now, The Situation. When The Jersey Shore debuted, I prayed that if we all just ignored it, it would go away. As usual, God wasn't listening: Now I see little Snookis and Situations showing up at my local Safeway.

The Situation is really lucky he has that spunky spitfire Karina Smirnoff as a partner. He’s such a goober. He looks like Pauly Shore's little brother, tell me if I’m wrong.

On the floor, with his random orangutan-like ceiling pointing and white-man's overbite, he’s painful to watch when he first comes out.

  But then... He’s not so terrible! He actually gets some proper cha-cha footwork in there. And—oh how I hate to say this, it actually hurts—he’s likable. I have a feeling he’s going to become a favorite.

Cranky Uncle Len’s Quote of the Week: “Did I tell you you’ve got the guns but not the ammunition?” Priceless.

Total score: 15

Next: Jennifer Grey, “the actress who’s starred in some of the most iconic movies of the 80s.” Pardon? I can only count two:  Dirty Dancing and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I'm sorry, but two does qualify as “some.”

Over the years I have read so much about Jennifer Grey’s nose job that all I can see when I look at her now is nose job. And the botox! Really, I hardly recognize her.

They've gone and picked a Dirty Dancing song for her, and she gets all overcome about Patrick Swayze. Bound to happen, right? So we start off with her dance on a very sober note.

She’s flawless. And she definitely gets the sympathy vote.

And there’s Jamie Lee again, clapping like crazy. Is this show sponsored by Activia? Enough with her already!

Carrie Ann is all choked up over Jennifer's performance, but then says, somewhat tactlessly: “Some things get better with age and I think you’re one of them.” Thanks sister! Jennifer looks at her like, "Oh, really?"

Total score: 24

Last, and quite possibly least, here comes The Hoff. I’m scared to watch this. I hate seeing the token Aging Dude talk about his body letting him down, it’s depressing. His rehearsal is awkward. So is his performance, where he’s not so much channeling Las Vegas Elvis as a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator.

He’s terrible, but kind of fun to watch. One thing about The Hoff, he’s knows how to laugh at himself.

But the judges aren’t laughing; in fact, Len is holding his head. “It’s never too early to panic,” he intones. Bruno calls it “a potpourri of insanity disguised as dance,” prompting much mirth about the way he pronounces potpourri.

Total score: 15

UPDATE: Results Show

It's between The Hoff and Kyle. The Hoff goes home.