I’m Not a Cat Lady

Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew: Tales From the Crypt

Not necessarily on purpose, I caught up with the Season 3 premiere of VH1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew today and I am still reeling from the retina-scorching plastic-surgery-gone-way-past-wrong mess that is Heidi Fleiss, and the so-haggard-it-hurts-to-look-to-look-at-her Mackenzie Phillips.

Just look at these mugs. And trust me, folks, this is nothing compared to seeing them on a big screen in glorious, unforgiving HD.

 

Heidi reminds us more than once that she's 43, because Lord knows we'd never guess from the butchered state of that puss. Poor Mackenzie has never been a looker, but somebody please get that girl a tub of Max Factor Pancake and a sponge. There's no need for a costly, clever anti-drug campaign ever again: Just slap these ladies' faces on a lifesize poster and the job's done.

Yes, this season's bunch is definitely the ropiest yet. There's a true trilogy of terror in scary monster Dennis Rodman, who seems to think he's there because of a court order; super-creep Tom Sizemore, who—hey! casting coup!—was convicted of assaulting ex-lover Fleiss in 2003, and a freshly Saran-wrapped Mike Starr from Alice in Chains, who shows up with a weeping abscess caused by shooting up but still seems rather robust for a drug addict, if you ask me.

 

Rounding off this particularly motley crew we've got the requisite bosomy Playboy model, a meatball from The Real World, some country singer or other and a contestant from America's Next Top Model who's quite pretty but, c'mon, had about as much chance making it as a model as Heidi Fleiss has of passing for 43. 

This show is frequently revolting and vaguely obscene. There's no celebrity trainwreck Dr. Drew isn't willing to exploit, even after his "good friend" DJ AM turned back to drugs and killed himself after hosting his own rehab series last year. And yet… Yeah. I'm gonna have to watch.

 

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Finale: See You Next Year?

As our comely hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass open the show, they announce that it's pouring with rain in Costa Rica—a fitting outcome for the final episode of this soggy version of what should have been a really fun and engaging series. After three-and-a-half long and uneventful weeks, we've finally reached  the bitter end. Three are left—former NBA champ John Salley, ex-WWE sweetheart Torrie Wilson and once-promising Hollywood actor Lou Diamond Phillips—and one of them will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle. Unfortunately, everybody was watching So You Think You Can Dance or Wipeout instead, so this will be a fairly intimate coronation.

But first, let's recap everything that's gone before. No, I take that back, let's not. There's a rehash of pathological famewhores Heidi and Spencer Pratt and their acting out routine, which sucked up the entire first week and has generated plenty of publicity already, so to hell with that. We go back over Sanjaya's and Patti Blagojevic's expulsions, probably for the sake of all the viewers who dropped off over the weeks and whom NBC figured would tune in at least to watch the finale and totally did not.

Finally, it’s the long-teased reunion of rejectees—I mean, ex-campmates—all scrubbed up and sitting on logs. Heidi is velcroed to Spencer's lap and Myleene observes that they both look "so much better” than when we last saw them, and indeed, she's right: Their faces are preternaturally shiny and all plump and juicy—no doubt the results of some dermabrasion and a few strategic pricks of restalayne. Because all 22-year-olds need that kind of help to look rested. We get the old "I'm too rich and too famous" montage and Spencer whooping like a gibbon. Oh enough with these two.

Janice Dickinson has come dressed for the disco in a tight hot-pink number, hair a cascade of shimmering jet-black curls, with a smile plastered on her face like Bob the Enzyte guy. She's so happy to be here! A little too happy, methinks—she's chewing her face off and, well, she's vibrating. She must be on some very effective happy-pappy pills right now. We get a J-Dick montage showing her scowling and hobbling around, unable to "go poo," and instantly, all her efforts to look fabulous tonight are pretty much shot to hell.

Back to camp and the final three. Oh, there's a food challenge. Why? It's over! The votes are in! Haven't these poor starving smelly creatures been through enough? Apparently not. The producers must think we need another fix of snake-and-bug porn. The game is something to do with a spa and it's all, hee hee, ho ho, Torrie you need a shampoo, and she gets to lie with her head covered in all manner of things that crawl as she fishes around for her two stars. John gets a fruit facial, which means he has to submerge his head in a tub of slop filled with something known as vomit fruit. Belligerent to the end, John demands, "Is this legal in America?" and Damien is right back at him: "That's why we’re in Costa Rica, John, we’re breakin' rules. Now shut yer trap!" Okay he didn't say that last part, but his face did.

LouDi gets a manicure courtesy of some great horny toads and a few spiders in a tank. LouDi had his hand gnawed off by rats and tarantulas crawling over his eyeballs, this is a cake walk for him. Next, a hot tub for Torrie, which is filled with wee crocodiles. Oh big deal—we know these croccies are completely harmless. Torrie picks one up and gives him a kiss. And all the men go boinnnng! I gotta admit, it's pretty hot.

John gets a snake sauna. They’re all pretty little decorative snakes, ain't gonna hurt nobody, no biggie. LouDi gets a jungle spray tan, which translates as meal worms. Oh, ewww. He's got worms in his ear. Everyone's giggly and giddy, Myleene and Damien are more chipper than we've ever seen them, they are unanimously thrilled that they're all finally going to be out of there for good.

The final three return to camp all cleaned up, and sit by the fire to chit-chat with the hosts some more. Now they're in earnest mode: This is like nothing I've ever done before I got more out of this jungle and it's still surreal and I would never have quit and get me back, Clarence, I want to live again! We waste more minutes on the ex-campmates who are asked about their favorite trials and Sanji waffles on again about how he loved being immersed upside down in the tank with snakes on that very first night and .... Damien's all, yeah yeah, uh-huh, great.

Back to the final three. They eat their well-earned meals and talk about how much winning means to them. Torrie announces that she thinks she'll be an inspiration to women by showing them you can be strong, brave and feminine. As opposed to the role model du jour, skinny, trashy and slutty. It's an admirable goal but... good luck with that, Torrie!

Now one of the three musketeers has to go. Damien: “The next celebrity….. to leave the jungle forever is…. …. …. ….. ….. …. John." Good. John gets that rictus grin and leaps up a little too quickly, pretending he's excited to be getting home. Even through they're all going home tonight. There's a soupy montage of Salley's Greatest Hits. He simmers down as he watches, becoming gracious and humble at last.

We get a LouDi recap. He’s the good guy, everybody loved Lou, nobody had a gripe with him, and he’s proud of that. He triumphantly proclaims, "I do what I set out to do, my experience in this jungle has been complete." Bravo, fine ac-tor! Time for Torrie. She surprised herself with how strong and fearless she’s been. Awww. She feels like she can do anything after this.

We're back in camp and Damien reminds us the final three have been roughing it for 24 days, and I realize I really lost count with this thing—that's two days longer than I thought. Oh well, my bad. Myleene: "Lou, Torrie, one of you is about to be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle." Damien. "Lou……… you nervous?" Indeed, Lou looks like he’s about to cry. Back to Myleene: “There can only be one winner." Oh come on, we know that already, you've been telling us for 24 days! "The public has decided and voted and I can only tell you two, it has been incredibly close. The winner. Of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here 2009 is ….. …." Torrie? Please?

"Lou Diamond Phillips."

Well of course. The ex-campmates are ecstatic. J-Dick, I think, self-combusts. LouDi gets a shiny wreath of leaves. Myleene says, "We'll see you next year!"

And there'll be pork in the treetops come morning. 

 

The End.

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 21: You Will NOT Lose Interest in This Show

Last night's episode, which contained more filler than Janice Dickinson's, Renee Zellweger's and Madonna's faces combined, hit an all-time season low. So I guess it's in with a whimper and out an even sadder whimper for IACGMOOH-US. And it's no big surprise. With low-grade celebrities coming and going like Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom at Bar Marmont, IACGMOOH never found its rhythm, it didn't know which way to turn. It was a show made up of recaps and insta-flashback montages, with a few random challenges squeezed in between.

So here we are, it's the penultimate episode, and we kick off with, yes, a recap of the night before: Stephen Baldwin the quitter, fake showmance, bug cocktails, Holly goes home. And two more go home tonight! Here's Damien and Myleene, our comely hosts, live in the jungle, chirpy and wide-eyed and a little desperate to drum up some enthusiasm. Myleene's wearing a fetching little coral.... Holy cow, what happened to her hair? She is channeling the Bride of Frankenstein tonight. This is not a good look for her.

They promise us we've got a nail-biter coming up. But first... Let's hang out with the campers as they sit around the campfire and reminisce about their favorite moments and how they've been jungle-transformed.

Great, yet another opportunity to watch sepia-toned scenes we've already seen. The only compelling moment here is when John Long Tall Salley recounts how he found his soul in the river as well as his new BFF Patti Blah-go. Cut to Long Tall lotusing atop the waterfall episode, eyes closed, as Patti slithers soundlessly to his side, like a pigtailed river snake. It's quite hilarious—I have to rewind that bit and watch again.

Hey, it's our friends, the ants with fern. Cut to Lou Diamond Phillips and his granny glasses; he announces: "I need everyone on the benches, please!" Who named him camp leader again? We have a bald-faced product placement segment: Heads up, everybody, the good folks at Colgate think we need to freshen up! Here are some new Colgate Wisp dry toothbrushes, which come in lots of yummy fruit flavors. Everyone oohs and aahs on cue, like they just got lollipops from the dentist. "That’s sweet, Colgate!" yells Long Tall. Good celebrities! Contract fulfilled.

The big finale tomorrow night is teased. Yay, all the people we didn't care about enought to vote for will be back—can't wait! Most of them just left a minute ago, so where's the suspense? Back to camp. Scroll! Long Tall is leader again. He announces the next food trial, Catch a Crawling Star. The campers file over the jungle bridge and head to the Jungle Clearing. "Let’s to get 'em buckaroo!" cheers LouDi. "Arrgghh, harrrr harrrrr!" growls Long Tall. "No, that's a pirate," corrects Uncle Lou. Heh!

There's a cable strung a few feet over the river with five hanging flags. I'm sorry but this is a doddle compared to the challenges in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Torrie has a sudden fear fit, though, crying sweet, pretty tears. She's all scared because she's tired, or something. They go in pairs, Torrie and Long Tall first. They straddle the cable in the most awkward and unflattering position imaginable. Long Tall hurls himself across, but won't take his last flag until the lagging Torrie catches up. Where did that benevolent team spirit suddenly spring from? Maybe the river really did change him.

LouDi and Sanji go next. Sanji makes like Tinkerbell on that cable, ha ha Lou, you didn't win for once, suck it. And then there's Patti. Whoops, they've run out of pairs already. Why in the world did they bother with that? Patti goes solo, and the editors try to fake us that she’s doing a kick-ass job. So do the campmates, who are all "Look at her go!" "She's a fighter!" They pity poor Patti, who flips upside down and starts dropping her flags. Yeah, she’s toast. Sanji and John win. Torrie shows off a stomach as flat as an ironing board.

Quick-cut montage of the remaining five all saying, I will not lose this, I will not lose this, I will not lose this. Since when did everybody stop using the contraction? This has been going on for a quite a while with Generation Valleyspeak—seemingly overnight, it wasn't "don't speak to me", it was "do NOT speak to me." And, as if to prove my point, on comes that super-annoying Verizon Wireless ad, probably the most annoying of Verizon's entire oeuvre of annoying ads, where that fat guy says to his smug-couple friends showing of their new phone, "One thing I do NOT need is a new phone" and then says in his head, "Do NOT set that down, I WILL take it."Like some copywriter seized on that particular vocal trend 10 years after the fact, hammered it into his script and instructed the director, "He WILL say the line like this." 

After this extra-super-annoying break, which, obviously, I didn't fast-forward over fast enough, we get one of the dumbest filler segments so far this season, and that IS saying something: The campmates give each other awards. Fast-forward!

We're live. Damien is in camp to deliver the first blow of the hour, working his dramatic pauses. "Torrie… yewww ….. .....are safe." Yay! I want her to win.  "Lou……. yewwww ……. ....... Are also safe."  Yeah, yeah, come on. "Okay, guys, the first person leaving the jungle… tonight...... is......." Patti, it's Patti, come on, say Patti... "Sanjaya!" Hey! That actually caught me by surprise. Although I had a hunch last night, when he danced his little wood-nymph dance as the credits rolled, that he might have tried the patience of his fan base. Maybe the showmance pushed them over the edge. Life lesson for Sanjaya: Pick a side and stick to it.

Sanji takes a seat with Myleene and her horror-show hairdo. She is a gorgeous girl but even she can't pull this frightwig off. She milks the showmance angle, clutching at straws, desperate to eeke out a storyline, any storyline, and Sanji plays along. Contract fulfilled! We cut to confessional clips of the campmates testifying to their love for Sanji. Wait. Is this live too? When did they film and edit this part? Did everyone have to record a pre-emptive testimonial for each and every remaining campmate the day before? It doesn't matter at this late stage, I give up trying to figure out this stuff. Sanji dissolves in tears, it looks like entire face is watering.

We're live again, or still live, whatever, and it's between John and Patti. And it's..... Patti. About bloody time! Bye, Patti, don't let the bridge hit you on the way out! I'm sorry, but I don't like her, never did. There is something very odd about her, like she isn't comfortable in her own skin. She's all awkward, nervous energy. And it's not good energy. Plus, she's got that flat midwestern-sounding Soccer Mom voice, you know, that sounds like there's always a saliva bubble in the throat.

Patti fairly sprints across that bridge, not looking back once. She gets her testimonial. She Soccer-Moms  her debrief. And I do NOT care what she has to say.

And now there are three. And it's all gonna happen tomorrow night. Why do I feel so painfully underwhelmed? "You do NOT want to miss it!" insists Damien. No, Damien. We do NOT!

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 14: Sanjaya, Gay?

After a relatively action-packed episode on Monday night, last night's IACGMOOH was a bit "eh!" So were the numbers: According to The Live Feed, it slipped to a new low, down a tenth from the night before. Still won its time slot, though, but apparently it doesn't count: Its only competition was reruns.

Onto the broadcast: There's a quick cross-promotion with Microsoft's new Google, bing. Yes, that's bing,  all lowercase. Please tell me the high-pitched man-voice that goes “biiiiinggg!” noise annoys you as much as it does me. Plus, bing won't work as a verb, like Google. Not in the past tense, anyway. Read it: binged. Makes you think of a heavy drinking session, doesn't it? That can't be good.

Now to the episode: We open with everyone talking about the new  sheriff in town, Long Tall John Salley. His style is Strict Dad versus Lou Diamond Phillips' Nice Uncle. That's right, big boy's a hardass. He immediately doles out responsibilities to each and every campmate and lays down his Commandments of the Camp. Such as: "If you do not wash your hands, you do not get food."

"He’s now forcing his will on his people," complains Stephen Baldwin, showing off his sack-of-oatmeal physique. Get some sun on that torso, dude! "I think he’s taking this leadership thing a little too seriously," Patti asides about her BFF behind his back.

The Great Jungle Storm of the night before has passed, and Damien and Myleene are back in their cushy studio, and good for them. They introduce a segment about the camp's latest cockamamie time-killing game: Let’s make a slasher flick! Hoo boy. Horror props arrive out of nowhere, the fake knife the ketchup, the Scream mask. LouDi’s the director. It's the biggest break he's had in years, you can totally tell. Ever the adorable naif, Holly is excited to be making a movie "with people of such high caliber as Lou Diamond Phillips."

True to form, Janice Dickinson yells, "Who do I have to sleep with to get the lead?" Dream on, honey. Not with the Bombshell Wilson around, and LouDi is terribly diligent about blocking her shower scene. Then  Long Tall deadpans to camera, "I've worked with the great Lou Diamond Phillips. How may people can say that?" Beat. "How many people want to say that?" Oh, snap!

The scroll. Long Tall don't need no reading glasses. It's a food trial, one from each team goes head to head, yada yada. No prizes for guessing who's up for the ladies: Torrie. "She can move mountains because she's a brick shithouse," explains J-Dick, channeling The Commodores from that hit song back in the 70s when she was famous.

So it's the two muscle queens, again, Torrie and LouDi. How redundant. And how many times do I have to say it: These trials are mean to be voter driven. It's supposed to be a democracy. The players going into the trials are meant to be the ones the public wants to see in there.  Although it's entirely possible that that's a moot point by now, as there's not much of a public out there that wants to see them, period. Still, the US remake doesn't hold a candle to the UK version in so many ways, but now I'm getting redundant so I'll shut up about it already.

Onto the trial: There’s a tank with snakes. The food is pasta. Is it just me or do the food presentations all look like those plastic displays you see in the window of cheap tourist restaurants? None of it looks appetizing, but those guys are starving so even plastic food would look great to them at this point. There are 35 snakes in the tank along with those darn toy stars, which are  numbered this time, so they must be retrieved in order. Ah, a twist! It's a race between Torrie and LouDi, who grope around in the tank together. The snakes are striking! They’re not poisonous, of course, just unpleasant. One seems to be sunning itself on top of the tank, its head jutting right in their faces, completely unperturbed. It’s got to be a prop.

LouDi capers all over, falling on his knees, putting his whole body in it, as per. He wins by one second. Torrie wants to cry. I don’t blame her. "It’s getting too repetitive here," she wails—speaking for the viewers as well.

Back at camp, J-Dick takes the bad news lying down, for a change. The girls placate teary Torrie: Pasta's fattening, we don't want that, do we girls? Who said the Sisterhood was dead?

Back to Damien. He tries to assure us that the battle for king and queen is really heating up. He is not  convincing.

Back to camp. J-Dick wants “booby”, aka Sanji, to put guy-liner on and of course he happily complies. The others shake their heads and start to gossip sotto voce. "He looks very gay when he’s doing that," Long Tall tsk-tsks to Patti. "It’s not attractive to women," she tsk-tsks back. Long Tall complains in the confessional that Sanji goes "from being smooth Mac Daddy around Holly"—cut to Sanji telling Holly mid-massage, "You can actually sit on me if you need to," HAH!—"to not being Sanjaya around J-Dick." Not being Sanjaya meaning, you know, behaving like a prancing wood nymph. 

Holly quietly confronts her crush. "I feel like she like wants you to be really gay or something," she says. "A lot of people want me to be their gay best friend," Sanji explains, "but I don’t like guys, so it really confuses people." No kidding. In the confessional, Sanji explains away his girly affectations: He was raised by women.  So was Jack Nicholson, bro. We cut to Sanji, under heavy gaydar scrutiny, making the world's most awkward attempt to macho-up to Torrie. J-Dick delivers her verdict on the gay/not gay thing with one word: "Please."

A rain drop pelts the clueless tree frog on the head. I think that’s code for DENIAL!

Time for the immunity trial:  It’s a hands-up-over-the-head again, something to do with standing on a plank over a muddy pool holding a pole and a box filled with slime. Stevie B. opts out, he wants to leave his fate in God's hands. He said America's hands, but, same thing. Have you ever known a reality competition show that was so sloppy with the rules? No wonder nobody's watching.

The rest step up. J-Dick doesn’t last a nth of a second and gets duly slimed and slopped. "I tried," she lies. She doesn't give a damn about winning any immunity trial—her ass is covered by The Gay Nation. Torrie starts giggling uncontrollably—I think she's flashing back to Sanji's  pass at her earlier—and she's out. Long Tall starts up with the trash talk—"my strategy!"—and instantly gets his comeuppance. Sanji throws it, LouDi wins immunity, the sun rises in the morning and it goes down at night.

It's movie time. And it is godawful. LouDi, however, is rapt—so engrossed, he gets some popcorn stuck in his chin-stubble. He starts pulling the most creepy, insane expressions, looking exactly like Reese Witherspoon when she pulls that devil-face in Cruel Intentions. LouDi is psyched. He'll start shopping that thing around the minute he gest home, no doubt about it.

We're live. Myleene announces that John has "a very, very difficult decision to make." He gets to pick one person to be exempt from the vote, including himself. Myleene says, "You have 20 seconds starting no—“ “Myself,” he interrupts. Best team player indeed. "I came here to win," he declares. And good for him. You don't win shows like this by being benevolent to your fellow players. The ones who are always get screwed.

We're given the numbers to vote. I can’t help it. I vote for Janice.

photos courtesy of NBC; Reese Witherspoon courtesy of The Jay.

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 13: The Rise of Long Tall Salley

Well, the already-low numbers for IACGMOOH are slipping, but audience viewership was down last night across the board. Could it be all those poor wretches who weren’t ready for the big digital conversion on Friday? Whatevs, it’s a week since the departure of the Desperate Duo, Heidi and Spencer, and IACGMOOH’s numbers haven't plunged all that much. Last night's two-hour extravaganza begins with drama: The set is besieged by a major tropical storm! Damien and Myleene's cushy little studio location has been flooded! Everyone's hair is frizzy! In this weather, Damien promises us, literally anything can happen. Literally!

But not till we've recapped what happened waaayyyy back on Thursday night: Daniel Baldwin was voted off. We get a post-mortem of his brutal execution. His little bro Stephen  is so choked up about it, he can't even swallow right now. Just like LouDi back in that nasty food challenge. They need to do a swallowing trial; that's one Janice Dickinson would totally take.

And here she is, with her kabuki eyebrows again, rasping to camera, "I couldn't be happier that Daniel Baldwin is gone because he's a big bully." We cut to everyone in camp wringing their hands over Big Bad Daniel's absence. Everyone but a jubilant J-Dick, of course. Stevie B. says he'd better not catch anyone going through his big brother's things. J-Dick barks, "I already did!" "You went through his stuff?" gasps Stevie B. "Hells to the yes!" she ripostes.

Okay, off topic for a minute: J-Dick has to be the only person in the land who is still using Whitney Houston's cracky catchphrase from Being Bobby Brown way back in 2005. I don't know about you, but I've noticed that catchphrases don't have the same shelf-life as they used to. Everyone was saying "Hell to the no" when BBB came out. When's the last time you heard it? That's four relatively short four years ago. Expressions like "way... no way" and "...not!" from SNL's Wayne's World were all over the mainstream for almost two decades; variations on Jerry Maguire's "you had me at hello" are still being written into scripts. But remember when everyone was saying "high five!" and "sexytime" after Borat just a couple of years ago? Wouldn't you feel like the proverbial douche saying them now? And wouldn't you feel like an even bigger douche uttering any single line from Juno, like the execrable "honest to blog"?

But I digress; back to J-Dick. She's lying on her back and rasping out orders from her sticky glossed lips non-stop. She's aged yet another five years over the weekend; the perma-scowl is not helping, nor is that cooking oil she's got slathered all over her face. It's all about J-Dick and her vile temperament tonight. This is bad. The producers are clearly having a problem eking out a storyline if this is all they can come up with two weeks in.

And then, more wind-baggery. In an effort to lecture sweet innocent Holly on the pitfalls of celebrity, LouDi harkens back to his heady heyday on La Bamba. Which he pronounces "Lammaammmbaaa" in that way people tend to over-emphasize Lad-tiiiiino names or words of any kind. J-Dick chimes in about TMZ going through her trash and robbing her of her privacy, which she pronounces "privvacy"— she probably picked that up from her British ex-husband Simon Fields. Patti rabbits on about her deadbeat husband again… She really wants that sympathy vote.

Out comes the scroll and LouDi's reading glasses. It's a luxury trial, and the reward is a massage. LouDi says he fancies getting a rub. I'll bet. Long Tall Salley wants one two. It's the two old guys versus the alpha chicks, Torrie and Patti. Muscle queens LouDi and Torrie go head to head cranking a lever to pull an ever-shortening plank out from underneath Patti or Long Tall. Long Tall tries the charming courtside trash talk on Torrie but he drops like a sack of bowling balls, yelling "Mutha—!" on the way down. 

Back to camp. J-Dick's lifting dumbbells. Word to the ladies: Want good muscle tone in your 60s? Take J-Dick's lead. Suddenly, she opens up to LouDi about her lousy marriage and her messy past. He's honored. Such a good daddy.

Again with the scroll and the reading glasses. Another trial. My mind wanders for a millisecond and I miss the details, but it's some kind of a scavenger hunt. Everyone has to find a particular item, all of which seem to be in J-Dick's bag: tweezers, hand-mirror, brillo pad. J-Dick sets off to find her item while clutching her crotch for some reason. They win smores.

Suddenly Long Tall is talking about leaving the game. He's too proud to lose and being on the bottom two last week shook him up quite a bit. "I'm not the white girl with the pretty face and the blonde hair," he grouses. Wow, bitter much? And also, by the way, do either LouDi or Sanjaya or J-Dick—none of whom has hit the bottom two—fit that description? I'm sorry but that is lame.

Sanji feels bad that Long Tall is down, though, so he offers to do the cooking and decides to fry some chips. Chips of what, it's not clear. J-Dick chides his one-chip-at-a-time frying style. He loses his temper for the first time and threatens to throw hot chips in her face. Well, she's already got the oil! Holly stands by her little man: "These are sowww good, Sanji. Soooowww goooouuud." Bleh. J-Dick takes a bite and announces, "You are Lord of the Fries." Every now and then, the old girl hits one out.

Coming up: What’s wrong with Janice? We see her doing something unspeakable. Has she got the crabs?

And... back. Long Tall retracts his idle threat and decides to stick it out and "man up". About time. Then old lady Dickinson waddles into the woods. Seems she's all clogged up. "I haven't had a shit in 7 days!" she rasps. Everyone but LouDi exits camp in disgust. She doesn't miss a beat: "I sure know how to clear a room, don’t I Lou?" She shows off her distended belly. She scarfs down the papaya and the prunes. Nothing works. " I’m surprised she doesn’t have some yoga pose that doesn’t make it come flying right out," yuks Stevie B.

Ooh! An iguana on a log. Finally, some new stock creature-footage. Patti's rabbiting on about Blago issue again. Fast forward. We’re an hour in. Let's get on with it!

The public voted Torrie and Sanji into the Tunnel of Terror. Sanji thinks the public want to see his breaking point. That's what you get for being so damn competent, Jungle Boy. Actually it's a joy to watch him kill it every time. So, we have  stars hidden in all kinds of scary places in an underground tunnel. Myeene warns: "You won’t be alone in there." Reeeerrreeeerreerrrrrrr! There's that screechy-violin noise from Top Chef and Kitchen Nightmares and every other reality show again. A few critters await, alright already, we know the drill, please stop that noise! In goes Sanji. And: spiders, iguana, snakes, oh no, a tarantula on his back, crayfish. Wait, crayfish? In the jungle? And then the weeny baby crocodiles. Watch out Sanji! They might bite your pinky toe!

Sanji, of course, kills it again. How anyone could crawl through an underground tunnel full of water and mud, in the dark, is beyond me, critters be damned. It's Torrie's turn. We hear her wimpering and gasping and breathing heavily.  I’m worried the neighbors will think I’m watching porn. She does extremely well but Sanji wins. The camera pans slowly up Torrie's mud-soaked frame, a loving journey from feet to face. Subtle. But I have to say, she looks as gorgeous coming out of that filthy tunnel as she did going in. She is stunning.

Unlike J-Dick. She's not looking so good. The campmates are worried about her and choose their words verrrryyy carefully. Patti: "She looked... really... frail." Torrie: "She looks....horribly sick." Stevie B. gets to the point: "She's sick, dude." Long Tall concedes that "she's not crying wolf today." Eat your words, mean campers.

But J-Dick isn't running for the jungle door. "I've made it this far," she whimpers. Girl's a trouper in her own messed-up, scowly, angry way. But she's sent to the medico. She’s got a virus. They're keeping her there for the night.

It's night at camp, and we've got on our night-vision goggles. Everyone's sleeping. Ooh! A snake slithers into camp. Some men in camouflage stealth-creep in. They're identified: "onsite security."  They’ve got sticks, they’re prodding in the bushes, Patti wakes up. They sneak off wordlessly with the snake. It's a bizarre little pantomime, completely surreal. Patti tippy-toes over to Long Tall's bed. He wakes up just long enough to exchange a word with her. "Did you see those ninjas over there?" she asks. "Snake?" he goes. "Snake," she confirms. He sinks back into his jungle coma, leaving Patti alone and awake in the dark.

Morning. The camp talks about the Great Snake Invasion. It finally hits Stevie B. like a mallet to his low-hanging brow that he's not on a movie location. Holly's hair is in a full-on frizz, she should have used her sister's dry shampoo. J-Dick comes bounding back. She must have had an enema: She is walking on air. The old-lady droop is gone, too. Amazing what a good movement can do.

Time for a new camp leader. LouDi's reached his term limit. We have a eulogy for him that goes on way too long—yeah, yeah, he's Obama, he's been cool, we get the point. We have a quiz stolen straight from Survivor—match the adjective with the player as voted by America. So we learn that America thinks John Salley is the hardest worker, the most famous, the best team player, has the best strategy and is the smartest. What was it you said about pretty white blonde girls again, John?  Plus: I'm not sure what show America's been watching, but it's definitely not this one. I'd have thought LouDi would take the vote for smartest, what with the reading glasses and all. Strangely, the majority of the campmates thought Patti was the smartest. And as if to prove it, Patti's vote for the most vain is "Stephan."

Long Tall voted for himself in just about every category so he wins. Ever humble, he declares, "I was already a leader in so many ways."

The camp plays "who's your best friend?" It's a lovefest between Stevie B. and LouDi. John's BFF is Patti, and she's all "right back atcha." Torrie and Stevie B. have bonded because they're both—take a guess—Christians. Holly and Sanji call each other out all googly-eyed. J-Dick, the gooseberry, declines to call out anyone... and goes off to take a dump. Which, under the circumstances, seems completely appropriate.

Immunity trial. But first, an IACGMOOH promotion. Get jungle gossip on your phone! There’s Heidi and Spencer. They’re still using them for the interstitials? More proof that NBC was bankng on them, hard.

Back to Damien, who shares shares a lot of irrelevant information about things we can't see, and... out.

photos courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 9: The Camp vs Janice

After disappearing to make way for the Stanley Cup, I'm a Celeb got wiped out by, appropriately, Wipeout and So You Think You Can Dance. This isn’t much of a surprise: It’s become pretty dull. It’s a combination of the ho-hum personalities, the sluggish pace, the predictable challenges and the confusing time-shifts and format. One minute, we vote who goes in the food trial, then next time, they do. And what’s the difference between a food trial and a luxury trial? And why, after 10 days, is and Janice Dickinson allowed to opt out of every trial yet still stay in the game?

The whole thing makes no sense. I really wanted to like this show but, along with the rest of the viewing public, I’m getting fed up. It just isn’t moving quickly enough to warrant daily attention. Plus: NBC has got some nerve forcing us to sit through two-hours of this, they must be insane. I was surprised when Celebrity Apprentice ran at two hours per episode this season, but it actually worked—there was a lot going on, it moved fast, and the players were seriously competitive and capable. (Except for poor mixed-up Dennis Rodman; jeez what a mess. I hope he’s getting help.)

But Celebrity is dragging; it’s as tedious as Thanksgiving Dinner with a table full of deaf older relatives. Tonight, we open with the Immunity Trial, a test of endurance that requires the campmates to hang from their arms over a pool of watery mud. J-Dick was—guess what—exempted. “I am not feeling well!” she whines to America, sporting some crazy-looking drawn-on kabuki eyebrows. We see a lot of grubby, dank-looking armpits as the rest of them do their thing. We learn that: While hanging from her arms, Torrie’s fake boobs rise up to meet her chin, and it looks very uncomfortable; Daniel Baldwin has “multiple steel plates and metal screws” in his vertebrae (whaaaaat?); Sanji is confident that he doesn’t need immunity to stay in the game; and Stevie B. has “wimpy hands”. LouDi and his supersize bowling-pin guns take it.

In brief, here’s what happens over the next two hours. Damien gives out the “save your celebrity” phone numbers and includes Holly Montag’s, even though she hasn’t arrived yet. The camp is startled in the night by howler monkeys. Janice is picking lice out of Patti’s hair. Oh wait, no, she’s giving her a head massage. Janice also declares that she doesn’t do dishes because she’s been famous since 1974. Heh. Holly finally arrives, looking like a taller, blonde Chelsea Clinton. Stevie B. looks at her all sparkly-eyed, like he’s watching Venus rise from the clam.

J-Dick, energized by the whiff of new, young blood, instantly takes Holly under her bony wing, which elicits a collective eye-roll from the entire camp. Myleene tells Damien he has B.O., and he responds by shoving his armpit into her face. Chemistry! Holly and J-Dick team up for a food trial against Daniel and LouDi. It’s a sort of live version of that old Operation game, which I wanted desperately as a child and never got. Uncle Lou needs his reading glasses for this one. Holly wins for the Lady Team.

Everyone sits around the campfire and shares sob stories about their lives. They all get teary and bond some more. News arrives that another trial is coming up and that the teams should pick two people who are good with their hands. “Are you pretty dexterious?” LouDi asks Long Tall. Sadly, the reading glasses aren’t helping the vocabulary.

And then, the Janice Dickinson trash-fest begins. Daniel won’t stop bullying her. He goads her as she practices her favorite activity—lying on her back, holding up a hand mirror and futzing with her face. If she’s not plucking the hell out of her eyebrows, she’s touching up her grey roots or putting on more lip gloss. It’s kinda gross. And why bother with all the preening if you're just going to ruin it all by hoik up and spit out phlegm in front of millions? That's some twisted sense of vanity right there.

LouDi gets a message from someone or other—is it Big Brother? Who’s dispensing these?—that reads, “Dear Celebrities, You must not urinate in camp.” Come again? “It will attract rats, which will attract snakes.” The note also reminds them that the cameras are on them, 24/7. The group is flummoxed by this—especially J-Dick, who yells, “Who’s been urinating in camp?” Everyone applies the ancient wisdom that it’s usually the person who farted who asks, “Who farted?” We cut to J-Dick squatting on a rock in what looks like the perfect lady-peeing position. Nice one, editors!

The Baldwin brothers decide to play a prank on J-Dick. They put a rodent-resembling lump of wood in her bag, hoping to scare her facelift off. She doesn’t fall for it and calls them bullies. Which they are. When the food that she and Holly won arrives, we see J-Dick shoveling it down, stuffing more than will fit into even her wide mouth. It’s quite a revolting display. Get her to charm school, she has the most disgusting habits I've ever seen. You’d have thought that after multiple decades of international renown, The World’s First Supermodel TM would have a better sense of etiquette than this.

The rest of the camp can’t stand J-Dick now, and complain about the way she hogs all the food and supplies. As their fearless leader, LouDi feels the need to intervene and interrupts one of her eyebrow-plucking sessions to have a word. He is impressively delicate. “You’ve made your reputation for being a strong, outspoken and, for want of another word, flamboyant woman,” he begins gingerly. Then he tells her that her “behaviors” are rubbing some of the people the wrong way. Suddenly, Janice looks very old. She claims to be 54, but her actual date of birth is debatable. I’d put her at 59 or 60. And right now, she looks every minute of it. “How would you like me to be?” she glowers. He raises the issue of the food hogging. She snaps back, “I will wait till the end of the line and I’ll take the scraps that they throw at me.” God forbid she might simmer down and see the light.

Long Tall Salley and Stevie B. take the luxury trial for the boys, Patti and Torrie step up for the girls. J-Dick, who knows they’ve been talking about her behind her back, starts goading the women, all yeah, you’re both so great, you can do anything, nyah, nyah. Oh dear, this is really getting ugly.

Ugly is the theme tonight: The ladies win the trial, which involves sawing a log in half and solving some math. Long Tall is angry. He’d appointed himself captain of the team but Stevie didn’t kowtow to his commands. He does not like insubordination, and he does not like losing.

Back to angry Janice. Clearly she's the new Speidi—the only source of drama on the show, so they're milking her for all she's worth. As a group, everyone tries to make J-Dick see that she needs to deal with her issues and move on. “I’m not gonna sit here like a schmuck and continue in this dysfunction,” hollers Stevie B., “let’s get real.” Very 12-Steppey. This, of course, does not wash with Janice.  “I’ve never been treated like this by a group, after what I’ve been through with my illness,” she wails. “On top of it, I’m menopausing.” Cut to a frog with bulging red eyes. Is it menopausing too? There is nothing sadder than an older woman trying to elicit sympathy for menopausing. Where is her pride? It’s making me all squirmy.

And then… hidden camera footage of J-Dick lurking in the bushes, scarfing down a granola bar she just pinched from the goodies won by Patti and Torrie, which were stashed inside the confessional. Patti tells the camp there’s one missing. “No one here is a thief,” snaps J-Dick. Okay, now we definitely know who’s been urinating in camp. Aww maaayaannnnn!

photos courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 7: Sanjaya the Jungle Boy

 
Well, enough already with the Heidi and Spencer hype. I guess all the palaver over the weekend worked—IACGMOOH's viewer numbers were up an iota or two from last Thursday night. As suspected, there was no torture in the Lost Chamber—the walls were alive with bugs and spiders, that’s all, which made Heidi and Spencer pogo in panic all night long. Their arc is spread out over the first hour, but let’s get it over with right now: They’re allowed to rejoin camp; they speechify about the Lord and redemption and demons and the power of Christ (and somebody please explain to me why, in three years of The Hills, we’ve had no clue about Heidi’s obsessive Christianity yet now she's incapable of uttering a single syllable without the words Christ or God or praise Jesus leaping from her mouth); Heidi sings for the camp and sounds to Janice like “a cat that somebody has put water on”; Heidi gets sick, she’s rushed to hospital, it’s gastric, it’s serious, the charade is over, they’re gone.

Now they’re out of the way, here’s what else happened. The "aunties from the other side of the family"  have both gone back to the other side. Frances pulled her celebrity card and walked. She couldn’t take it without her BFF Angela. She was justifiably revolted by the return of the Terrible Two, and had nobody to crack wise about it with. I’m sorry to see Frangela go, this show needs their comic relief.

Now to the vote: Who did the public choose to compete in the Houdini Trial? Why, Sanjaya and J-Dick! Yay! I guess my vote counted. But the downside: Clearly, the public isn’t rooting for the Lady Team, there’s no way J-Dick will win. She receives the news perched on a log, looking particularly insane with a  new jungle hairdo that’s just begging to be accented by a bone.

They’re playing for lobster. Sanji goes first. He’s very calm and casual, bound by chains inside that narrow tank, as if he’s hanging out at the local pool. The snakes are added. Then cute little baby crocs. And wee frogs! Aww. The water’s rising fast—I’m starting to panic on his behalf, this can’t be easy!—and Sanji seems to have the ability to breathe underwater as he just keeps diving down for his keys. All the wee froggies float and bob around him, unperturbed, their pointy little frog-fingers dangling underwater. Sanji unlocks all five locks in 3 minutes and 12 seconds. He does a victory dance underwater. Dude didn’t break a sweat.

Next up is J-Dick, who acts like she’s pumped and ready to go. Once she’s all locked in, though, the mood swings wildly. The water rises, the critters are dispensed and she promptly wails: “No-no-no-no-no-no!” The froggies are as scared of J-Dick as she is of them: they bunch together in a corner, as far away from her as they can get. J-Dick screams, “Get me outta here!” and she’s done. Not one lock. She’s hysterical. And yet… her lip gloss is miraculously intact.

Sanji and J-Dick return to camp. “Hey, what happened?” Patti asks gratuitously. Take a guess, hon. J-Dick is traumatized and has to have a lie-down. A tarantula crawls on a rock. The boys come up with an idea to devise their own game for the girls to play, and the winner gets one of their meals. J-Dick is pissed and screeches about how she’s sick. She breaks down and whimpers for Sanji, who runs to her side. He’s got huge, angry red welts all over his skinny body. Do you hear him complain? J-Dick is shaking and crying about how freaked out she was by the trial. Sanji holds and kisses her to make it all better. It’s a little bit creepy, a bit too Spanking the Monkey for me. And Daniel “Papa Bear” Baldwin too—he’s done with her lousy menopausal moods.

We get a short Sanji the Jungle Boy montage. He’s gone completely Mowgli now. “I’m totally in my element!” he squeals, black warpaint smeared on his face. He makes jungle jewellery. He designs a broom out of some palm fronds. He whittles a vine to make some furniture. He’s really at home here. “He’s like a wood nymph,” coos Lou Diamond. Wise, wacky Uncle Lou.

By now the men have had it up to here with the Diva Dickinson and her drama. She orders SanjiMow around—“get my shoes, give me a massage!” She lies around all day and scowls. Which is such a waste of all the time and money she’s invested in her various nips and tucks and fillers—when she’s not scowling, she can look quite pretty. Why have all that work done and then pull a face all day like Jabba the Hut? Long Tall bitches behind her back, “She’s she’s mean she’s selfish … she’s a witch.” Papa Bear is more direct, telling her straight up: “I just want to see you do something around this camp besides eat and sleep.” Naturally, this just makes her sneer and scowl some more.

It’s time to pick a new team leader, Wacky Uncle Lou announces in his reading glasses. Hee! They have to split into two teams and do another eating challenge at Jungle Joe’s Café. The first group gets some kind of spiky grub. J-Dick sprints out of there, followed by Torrie and Long Tall. It’s up to Sanji, who breaks them into tiny chips and ingests them at his leisure. On the other team, Papa Bear starts talking trash about how he’s hogging the camera time, so Sanji hands him a plateful and Papa scarfs 'em right down. This gains him no points at all: it’s not his round yet and it isn’t even his dish. Such a showoff.

Papa Bear's team gets leaf cutter ants. Brother Stevie informs us that they taste a “little smoky, little jerky” but can’t get them down and walks, with Patti hot on his heels. LouDi has one little problem: He can’t quite swallow. You and a million ladies out there, Lou. Papa Bear wins. 

It’s Sanji and Papa Bear. The dish is a bull’s testicle. In true team spirit, J-Dick gags loudly. Equally helpful, Myleene shouts, “Oh it smells rank!” I’m sure Mario Batali serves these at Babbo, what's all the fuss? One bite and Sanji’s out. LouDi and Papa Bear face off in the next round: stick insect with cow tongue chaser. Daniel inhales the bug, no problem but he can’t do the tongue. He forfeits to LouDi.

J-Dick is relieved because LouDi “doesn’t have snarly comments like the Baldwins or Salley.” Not for long. LouDi decides, in the effort to be a fair leader, to have a Janice intervention. He assigns her to dish duty. J-Dick responds by hawking something up from her chest.

Suddenly we’re invited for the first time to learn exactly which charities these celebs are suffering for. Daniel is there for the his mother’s institute, Carol M. Baldwin Breast Cancer Research Fund. She’s a breast cancer survivor, but he cries just talking about it. Salley’s is the Cedar Sinai Sports Spectacular. Torrie’s for Disabled American Veterans. LouDi’s is the Art Has Heart Foundation. J-Dick is supporting the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation. Sanji’s is the Shriners Hospital for Children. Patti’s is the Children’s Cancer Center. Stevie B’s is Love 146, which helps young girls sold into sex slavery. Okay, good. Now we know. And Myleene and Damien remind us that we can chip in anytime.

It’s dinner time. A basket is lowered into camp from somewhere overhead. But wait—there’s only one lobster in there. J-Dick, who totally threw both competitions today, is all, What? The guys aren’t going to feed me? Unfortunately, the male team is being penalized for exactly that: They were not supposed to share their meals with the losing Lady Team. Now they tell us! Salley’s not having it. “I got children! You don’t punish me!” Not sure why having children exempts anybody from breaking the rules, but whatever. Myleene’s a little tickled by the latest twist; she’s all, Ha ha, suck it!

We’re live and it’s time for the immunity challenge. J-Dick grimaces and invites America to vote her off and then immediately takes it back and then pleads too sick to do the challenge. Papa Bear holds up that black-and-white photo of somebody's baby and, as usual, nobody pays him any mind.  There will be no IACGMOOH tonight thanks to the Stanley Cup, but they’ll be back Wednesday! With a brand new surprise campmate—Heidi’s sister Holly! So the rumors were true after all. And a nation yawns.

Photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 4: Janice the Crazy Old Aunt

 

Well, ratings were down a whopping 43 percent last night, but there was some basketball game or other on ABC so apparently it doesn’t really count. Moving on: We open with a preview of the big Heidi and Spencer Dilemma. LouDi self-importantly confessionals, “I didn’t want to send a message that you can quit and quit and quit, act like a jerk and be given a second chance.” Isn’t it, like, a fourth chance at this point? Ange threatens to leave if they come back. Then, we have the requisite recap of last night.

And finally: Hi there, it’s Myleene in a bright yellow frock and Damien in a teal shirt. “Green’s your color,” she flirts. They remind us that either J-Dick, Frangie or Torrie are out tonight. They also remind us that the Wastrels want to come back, in case we weren’t paying attention 30 seconds ago. We flash back to footage we’ve seen a dozen times already of the two of them lying through their teeth about how they and the devil got it so wrong last time and how repentant they are. At this point it’s transparent that network strings are being pulled to keep them on the show—Heidi’s in all the promos  dangling from a harness in her stilettos, can’t waste those!—plus, MTV will be airing a marathon of all the episodes so far this Sunday. Aha. Deals have been made, yo. This is business.

The campmates deliberate. J-Dick tells us she wants them back because she thinks she’s the only person in the universe who could reform Spencer. We already knew she was delusional, but really. “They were horrible people,” argues Ange. “They’re not horrible people, they just made some horrible decisions while they were here,” rationalizes Sangie, who’s gone tribal with some black markings on his cheeks. Long Tall points out that Heidi is a good competitor and the ladies need all the help they can get. Daniel the Papa Bear suggests that they let them back in but set “boundaries.” LouDi argues there’s no point in that because Spencer has already declared he's The Villain. Frange points out—quite rightly!—that it’s unfair to the others: “They’re taking up space from people who really wanted to be here, who’ve been working from Day One, Minute One.” “It’s been 2 days,” LouDi pipes up. “Those two days have been our days in the jungle,” argues Frange. Wait a minute. According to my calendar, we’re at Day 4. What’s going on here?

Long Tall tells us he likes Spencer because he reminds him of P Diddy. Way to name drop. And besides, that’s a good thing?

Next, we find out that all the girls have a crush on Papa Bear. He’s helpful with the chores. While washing the dishes, he and Bebe have a little bitch about Torrie’s and J-Dick’s nonexistent work ethic. Cut to J-Dick lying provocatively on her side making cow eyes at Papa Bear. She asks him if he’s bored. “I’m never bored, he says. J-Dick’s all, Omigod, me too! Flutter flutter. The irony flies over her head.

Flashback to Papa Bear’s surprise arrival and everybody going ooooooh! We just saw this footage in the opening recap! Do we really need to go over it again? Clearly, the producers figure that Kids Today are watching this show while twittering and facebooking and sexting and ipoding and probably getting high and stoned all at the same time, so they have to keep going back over every little detail.

Now we get a montage of J-Dick hocking loogies all over camp. “Something is definitely dying inside of Janice’s chest…” begins Ange, “…and I think it’s something from the Studio 54 days,” finishes Frange. These two kill me. We are treated to scene after scene of J-Dick hoisting up the material and letting it fly. It is horrible. Sweet Torrie feels sorry for her because she’s sick and “if she needs to get it out, she needs to get it out,” but when she dares to broach the subject, J-Dick chews off her head:  “We’re camping, Torrie! That’s what people do when they camp!” Frange isn’t buying it, telling us that even natives of the rain forest would say “no, mmmm-mmm, you got to go over there.” She wants to build some Section 8 housing for J-Dick and her grossness. Ha!

Oh my eyes! Dawg saunters into camp completely shirtless, a walking sack of oatmeal. It’s time for the next food challenge. Papa Bear and Long Tall go in against Bebe and Torrie. They line up for the rules. I always thought Daniel Baldwin was tall, but standing next to Long Tall he looks about as stately as Gimli the Middle-earth Dwarf. The trial involves crawling through a swamp underneath a bamboo grid and retrieving some spongy puzzle pieces. It’s pretty boring so they recap the hell out of it while it’s happening. Instant recap! For all you brain-challenged viewers at home.

Back at camp Long Tall congratulates himself for using the smack talk and winning again. He declares that “Patti and Torrie are gamers, you can just send the other three home.” Back to Damien and Myleen, who invite us to vote for one man and one woman to go head to head in a food trial next week. “Pick wisely, the girls need to eat, come on the sisterhood!” Myleene cheers. Nice thought, Myleene, but dream on. We’re given a demonstration of the trial, a Houdini number involving a water tank with locks and chains and–yes!—slimy critters. We can’t see who the demonstration model is in there but it looks like J-Dick. Has this already been recorded? Did she volunteer earlier to do a walk through? Damn I'm confused.

Back at camp, oh no, there’s a jungle thief. Ange can’t find her shower kit with her hair pick in it. God knows you don’t want to deprive a sister of her pick. She finds it in J-Dick’s pack. She knew it. “Yep, bitch got my shit.” The whole camp is up in arms, everybody’s missing something. Torrie’s lost hair ties, a pair of underwear  and her towel. Cut to J-Dick in the shower, oblivious, washing her weave and hair. Then, Long Tall: Who took my pillow? Cut to J-Dick sleeping, oblivious, on Long Tall’s pillow. He ain’t happy. “People’s skin is just getting thinner and thinner and thinner,” Frange explains, “and Janice is just starting to pop some people.”

Bebe sits Long Tall down to impart some worldly advice. She tells him her husband ran against a woman like J-Dick once. Here’s what you have to do with a woman like that: Roll your eyes and call her a crazy old aunt. Crazy Old Aunt Janice. Sounds like good politics to me!

Now, a weepy montage. All four women on the chopping block tell us one by one how much they love it there, how much they’ve learned about themselves, and how they’ve all gotten so close over these two jungle days. A piano plinky-plonks in the background. Everybody gets farklempt.

We’re live. Myleene and Damien head into camp with the results. American has voted. But first: LouDi, which woman do you think should leave? None of them, says LouDi, because we’re family and “I’m wacky Uncle Lou.” Nice self-image there, Lou. Sangie tells us that he’s been in the jungle” a very very very long time, so this is just an extension of my life.” Nobody asks him to elaborate on this bizarre statement, we just move right along. Bebe keeps tugging on her ear like Carol Burnett every time the camera’s on her. Time for the results. J-Dick announces, for no apparent reason, “I’ve gone insane.” Thanks for clarifying. Then she’s told she’s safe. “Oh maaaan!” Frange is safe. Torrie and Ange are not.

We go back to the last dinner from the night before. The continuity of this show is, as Long Tall would say, wack. They discuss the Wastrels again and talk about how they’ve all bonded like a family. Long Tall breaks it down for us: Lou’s the oldest brother, Daniel’s the old uncle. Janice is the loopy auntie, Sanjaya’s still young (so what is he, cousin? nephew?),  Frangela are the funny aunties from the other side of the family, Patti is the mother, he’s the cook, Torrie’s the bombshell, and Dawg is the white hip-hop kid. You know, because we all have one.

Frange guess that it’s going to be one of them who gets eliminated. A tree frog is pelted by a raindrop. The public has decided that the very first celebrity to leave the jungle is: Ange. Bye Ange! We hardly knew ye. J-Dick bellows: “No! No! No!” Was she hoping it would be Torrie? We’re treated to another demo of the Houdini challenge and invited to text our picks. As they read the text numbers out, Janice rasps, “Not Janice!” I pick up my phone and text: Janice.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 3: Jungle Upset Is a Bitch

Well it’s official: America does not give a rat’s backside about Heidi and Spencer. All those 18- to 49-year-olds NBC’s been banking on were too busy watching So You Think You Can Dance and Wipeout last night, so IACGMOOH slipped even further down the Nielsen chart than it did the night before. Perhaps there’s an argument that all the viewers who came to see the Beige Wastrels didn’t bother to come back after their third and allegedly final exit the night before. But there was a lot of hype yesterday that they were still hanging around the jungle, ready to keep milking their tired old stunt, so who knows? Maybe it’s just the whole concept of this show and its D-Listers that isn’t catching on, Spendi or not. That would be a shame, because with those two cretins gone, it really started to get pretty good.

Here’s what happened: The recap, of course—11 people in the jungle; the Wastrels, “we’re outta here”; the guys pick Patti Blago to save from expulsion; yada yada. (It finally hits me who Patti reminds me of: Frasier’s agent, Bebe. Don’t you think?)

Okay, back to the present. Or, the taped part that comes before the live part later on. Or whatever. The Dimple Twins, Damien and Myleene, welcome us back and assure us that things are getting “wild” in the jungle. Myleene wide-eyes that there’s a big surprise coming later when a new face shows up in camp. Damien quips, “Janet’s had more work done, that’s great!” Ooh! Damien’s getting cheeky. I like it.

Transition back to camp. There’s a close-up of ants carrying bits of bright green fern on their backs. Pretty! The campers are waking up. It’s a beautiful new morning in the jungle. Angelica confessionals that “Waking up in camp without Spencer was like having a rainbow in our heart.” Awww.

J-Dick starts messing around the kettle on the fire. It’s heavy. She spills some water. Apparently—horrors—into Long Tall Salley’s boots. Long Tall’s not happy when he goes to put them on.“You’re not gonna believe this. Somebody put water in mah boot.” Someone fingers J-Dick. “Baby, you put water in mah boot?” J-Dick’s all, “What are you talking about?” Suddenly it’s the Spanish Inquisition. Did you touch that water? Did you go anywhere near that water? Did you look at that water? J-Dick’s not having any of it. Long Tall needs to get a grip.

Then Long Tall wants to borrow J-Dick’s tiny bottle of shampoo and they get in a scrap over that. J-Dick claims she needs the little bit of what’s left. “I got weave and hair, you don’t have any hair,” she protests. Fair enough. But Long Tall’s not a happy camper, oh no. He carried J-Dick’s bag through the river for her, remember? He’s always doing all kinds of things for her and she just lies around being a bitch. He starts yelling and then his mouth goes all blurry because there’s some language coming out of there.

Oh my god. I’m convinced he just dropped the C bomb. But it turns out it was the M-Fing N bomb. Wow, that is harsh. J-Dick comes completely unglued. She is jungle upset. She’s in the confessional, face smeared with tears—not a good look, especially on J-Dick—and quavers, “You don’t call a grown woman the MF or the N word. I thought people were supposed to be over that.” I’m with J-Dick, it was beyond the pale.

But, what’s that? Long Tall’s jungle upset too. After the break: He’s crying.

Back from the break. Oh, hell no, another recap of why Spendi left. Why can’t NBC let this go already? We flash back all the way to the very beginning. Spencer: “My wife looks like she’s having a serious breakdown.” Spencer’s one of those guys that, once he gets married, stops referring to his spouse by her first name. It’s forevermore “my wife” this, “my wife” that—you know the type. Creepy.

There’s a reason for this umpteenth recap. Guess what? The Wastrels haven’t left yet. Myleene tells us with an eye roll that they’re still around and they want back in. Again. “Can’t wait!” Damien lies. Even the hosts have had enough. What. Is. The. Point?

Back at camp, J-Dick is off in the confessional, weeping. The guys pow-wow around Long Tall. “She’s on the warpath, just lettin’ you know brotha,” warns LouDi. He must be catching the street-speak from Dawg. Meanwhile, Dawg thinks she deserved to get yelled at because she’s always lobbing all these subtle little spitballs. Nice. Long Tall confessionals that he’s not the kind of guy who goes around calling grown women M-Fing Ns. He used to be, but he’s not anymore. It’s just that J-Dick hit his red button. Water in the boots and no shampoo will do that to a guy.

Everyone speculates that J-Dick is going to leave the show. Sanjaya can’t contain his bemused disbelief: “They’re just droppin’ like flies.” You got that right, Sangie!

Now Long Tall is sitting in the lotus position in the river. He’s full of remorse. He heads over to the confessional to apologize. We can’t see inside, but we have audio. J-Dick tells him go away; he goes down on bended knee. J-Dick’s not impressed. “You can go now.” Poor Long Tall comes out and sobs into his bandanna, “I feel terrible.” He starts crying a river, right into the river! Actually, it’s a little upsetting to watch. J-Dick had asked him if he’d ever talk to his daughters that way, and that hit him where it hurt. And the jungle’s getting to him, too. Jungle upset is a bitch.

Cut back to the Dimple Twins, who are anything but jungle upset. They’re totally flirting. They call each other fine specimens—giggle, giggle! They’re pretty damn cute together. It’s time for the next food trial. J-Dick pleads bronchitis again and demands to sit it out. I’m pretty sure she played the bronchitis card in the UK version, too, but hey, it works for her.

Damien explains the rules to the rest of the camp. “The deal is,” he begins, “J-Dick is sick, right?” Angelica deadpans, “Sick in the head.” Hah!

The meal this time? Pork! Angelica starts to cry. Bebe is stony faced, as per. The trial involves putting your hand into a hole in a rock wall. There are stars to be retrieved in there. As well as…. Critters! Are you getting the hang of this? Long Tall steps up, with Frangie. Their holes contain tarantulas. Not good news for the arachnophobe. Long Tall’s hand is in and out quick, like a little hen-peck—he even does a chicken dance. Frangie hops around and screams like she’s in Saw VI. Long Tall goes into zen mode and keeps his hand in there this time. He is conquering his fears! Just like he said he came to the jungle to do. I guess after the confrontation with J-Dick, he can face anything now. Long Tall is unhooking his star while psyching out a screaming Frangie into the bargain. He’s got some tricks up his sleeve; he likes to get into people’s heads. It works: He wins.

Next: LouDi and Torrie after the break. Back from the break, we stop in with the Dimple Twins first. They’re flirting some more. In fact, Myleene looks a little disheveled, she’s got some bedhead going on. What have they been up to during the break?

LouDi and Torrie get rats. They’re both getting bitten. Torrie completely loses it and bails. There’s blood on her hand. What? You’ve got to be kidding. Must have been some waiver those contestants signed for this show. LouDi’s hand is getting gnawed to a stump. He mans up, though, and gets the star. Then we see a medic rush over. This is nuts.

Next, Bebe and Sangie. I can’t even tell what’s in their hole—fish? Eels? Whatever, it’s over quickly. Bebe wins. There goes Sangie’s winning streak. Now it’s Angelica and Dawg. Angelica goes in talking a big game but buckles instantly. Cow dung and earth worms! Frangie screams at her girl, “Get in there!” Myleene wants Angelica to win for the ladies so badly, she starts coaching her—“The stars on a coil! It’s on a coil!” Dawg wins. He gloats. It's not pretty.

Frangie and Long Tall are up again. She is hilarious right now. She’s so squeamish she can’t even get her hand in the hole. Long Tall creams it. The guys win again. Rice and beans for the ladies for the third day in a row.

Torrie gets back to camp and has a delayed reaction over her bitten fingers and breaks down. J-Dick is relaxing  a nice little safari ensemble, looking like she’s just had a nice steam and a facial. LouDi comes back from the sick bay with his entire hand bandaged. He’s being all hard about it and starts talking about how his dad did two tours in Nam. Whatever you say, LouDi. J-Dick sneers and reminds us for the second time that she dated Rambo, and that LouDi ain’t no Rambo. Presumably, Stallone was in character the whole time those two went out.

Now it’s time for the mystery guest. Holy cow, it’s Daniel, the craziest of all the Baldwin brothers. Dawg is gobsmacked. He confesses that bringing Daniel into the jungle unexpectedly like that is “a gnarly jedi mind trick.” J-Dick is loving this new campmate. “They always have a hot backup,” she yells. She’s been here before, you guys. She knows.

Oh holy lord. We’re live, and Heidi and Spencer are back eating humble pie. Spencer monotones some bullshit about how he lost his mind while Heidi twirls her hair and admits in her grating Auto Voice that they took the opportunity to do this show for granite. I think she means granted. But they’re not allowed to simply waltz back in this time: It’s up to a vote back at camp.

Damien leads us back through the jungle to camp. “How are we?” he asks rhetorically. “Missing my kids!” bellows J-Dick. “I’m missing my kids,” mutters Bebe a little sourly, as if J-Dick is hogging all the kid-missing around there. Damien warns them that they’re live, so watch the language—especially J-Dick. Excuse me, but was she the one who called somebody a M-Fing N? I don’t think so. Damien tells the camp about the return of the Beige Wastrels and the vote. “There’s no room for them!” J-Dick screeches, but she does an immediate about-face and wants to vote them back in. Suddenly, cacophony as everybody argues at once. The Baldwins start bickering about the right way to vote. J-Dick votes yes. Long Tall jumps up to second her—obviously sucking up to make amends—and then Dawg stands up, just because he’s a tool.

And we’re out of time. I really hope they vote against the return of these two Pratts. But if they do come back, I hope “America”—aka the infinitesimal percentage of people in the country watching this show—gets into the spirit and votes one of them off immediately. Get rid of Spencer, and Heidi will cleave onto his back and go with him. She couldn’t hack it alone. She’s his wife.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 2: So Long, Pratts!

Janice Dickinson said it best: “I didn’t know I was signing up for I’m a Holy Roller, Get Me Out of Here.” Neither did I. Three quarters of last night’s episode was wasted on the cretinous born-again Christians Heidi and Spencer and their narcissistic “will we stay or will we go” games. It’s way past obvious now that NBC was banking on them to drive up the numbers, but it didn’t work: According to TV by the Numbers, viewership among the 18 to 49s, that Holy Grail of demo groups, was down by 19 percent. That’s too bad, because once these two asshats quit for the third time—seemingly for good, although today rumors persist that they’ll be back, again—the last 10 minutes of the episode finally got down to what this show is supposed to be all about.

Here’s how it played out. Damien and Myleene dimple charmingly as they welcome us back and try to convince us how “incredible” the show's been so far. To the recap: We left off with the players, minus lame sitter-outers Spendi (because they have completely spent my nerves… and by the way, why were they allowed to sit out the live challenge? That is not supposed to be an option!), strapped onto stretchers and suspended headfirst into a pit as different groups of heinous critters are released one by one. Each has the option, of course, to bail at any time. First up is roaches. Frangelica are outta there before it’s even started. Salley springs up like a jack-in-the-box next. Janice bails and seems a little traumatized by it, shrieking “No! No! No! No!” even after she's freed from the pit. I really hope J-Dick doesn’t get voted off. It’s fun watching her freak out.

Tarantulas are released next, then snakes and then worms. Salley the arachnophobe decides to psyche out the remaining women, Mrs. Blago and Torrie, by announcing where all the critters are on their bodies. Torrie has a snake on her face! The girls are out. LouDi's out. Only Sanjaya and Stephen Baldwin remain. Water starts to rise in the pit, threatening to drown them, as the critters crawl and slither all over. Baldwin’s out. Sanjaya wins. Sanjaya! Who knew he was such a badass? Then he interviews in his little-girl lilt, “Winnninggggg was amaaaazinggggg” and flaps his hands at the memory of it all. He’s a fierce little mohawked badass sprite. 

Back to camp: LouDi gets a bed just for being The Leader and Spencer puts on an incredulous “I’ve been robbed” face. Tool. And then, suddenly, a confessional from the Angelica half of Frangelica. Sad reality-show sob-story violins accompany her as she describes a traumatizing potty trip in the middle of the night, and then she shares, just between her and us, that she’s had “a lot of mini-breakdowns.” We cut to one of them. Poor Ange is talking to herself, then telling herself off for talking to herself and slapping herself in the face. What the…? “I’m jungle upset,” she explains. Even though I feel bad for her, well, this is more like the I’m a Celebrity I know and love. Stuff happens to these people when they’re camping out in the jungle like that. It’s a crucial part of the game.