I’m Not a Cat Lady

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Finale: See You Next Year?

As our comely hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass open the show, they announce that it's pouring with rain in Costa Rica—a fitting outcome for the final episode of this soggy version of what should have been a really fun and engaging series. After three-and-a-half long and uneventful weeks, we've finally reached  the bitter end. Three are left—former NBA champ John Salley, ex-WWE sweetheart Torrie Wilson and once-promising Hollywood actor Lou Diamond Phillips—and one of them will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle. Unfortunately, everybody was watching So You Think You Can Dance or Wipeout instead, so this will be a fairly intimate coronation.

But first, let's recap everything that's gone before. No, I take that back, let's not. There's a rehash of pathological famewhores Heidi and Spencer Pratt and their acting out routine, which sucked up the entire first week and has generated plenty of publicity already, so to hell with that. We go back over Sanjaya's and Patti Blagojevic's expulsions, probably for the sake of all the viewers who dropped off over the weeks and whom NBC figured would tune in at least to watch the finale and totally did not.

Finally, it’s the long-teased reunion of rejectees—I mean, ex-campmates—all scrubbed up and sitting on logs. Heidi is velcroed to Spencer's lap and Myleene observes that they both look "so much better” than when we last saw them, and indeed, she's right: Their faces are preternaturally shiny and all plump and juicy—no doubt the results of some dermabrasion and a few strategic pricks of restalayne. Because all 22-year-olds need that kind of help to look rested. We get the old "I'm too rich and too famous" montage and Spencer whooping like a gibbon. Oh enough with these two.

Janice Dickinson has come dressed for the disco in a tight hot-pink number, hair a cascade of shimmering jet-black curls, with a smile plastered on her face like Bob the Enzyte guy. She's so happy to be here! A little too happy, methinks—she's chewing her face off and, well, she's vibrating. She must be on some very effective happy-pappy pills right now. We get a J-Dick montage showing her scowling and hobbling around, unable to "go poo," and instantly, all her efforts to look fabulous tonight are pretty much shot to hell.

Back to camp and the final three. Oh, there's a food challenge. Why? It's over! The votes are in! Haven't these poor starving smelly creatures been through enough? Apparently not. The producers must think we need another fix of snake-and-bug porn. The game is something to do with a spa and it's all, hee hee, ho ho, Torrie you need a shampoo, and she gets to lie with her head covered in all manner of things that crawl as she fishes around for her two stars. John gets a fruit facial, which means he has to submerge his head in a tub of slop filled with something known as vomit fruit. Belligerent to the end, John demands, "Is this legal in America?" and Damien is right back at him: "That's why we’re in Costa Rica, John, we’re breakin' rules. Now shut yer trap!" Okay he didn't say that last part, but his face did.

LouDi gets a manicure courtesy of some great horny toads and a few spiders in a tank. LouDi had his hand gnawed off by rats and tarantulas crawling over his eyeballs, this is a cake walk for him. Next, a hot tub for Torrie, which is filled with wee crocodiles. Oh big deal—we know these croccies are completely harmless. Torrie picks one up and gives him a kiss. And all the men go boinnnng! I gotta admit, it's pretty hot.

John gets a snake sauna. They’re all pretty little decorative snakes, ain't gonna hurt nobody, no biggie. LouDi gets a jungle spray tan, which translates as meal worms. Oh, ewww. He's got worms in his ear. Everyone's giggly and giddy, Myleene and Damien are more chipper than we've ever seen them, they are unanimously thrilled that they're all finally going to be out of there for good.

The final three return to camp all cleaned up, and sit by the fire to chit-chat with the hosts some more. Now they're in earnest mode: This is like nothing I've ever done before I got more out of this jungle and it's still surreal and I would never have quit and get me back, Clarence, I want to live again! We waste more minutes on the ex-campmates who are asked about their favorite trials and Sanji waffles on again about how he loved being immersed upside down in the tank with snakes on that very first night and .... Damien's all, yeah yeah, uh-huh, great.

Back to the final three. They eat their well-earned meals and talk about how much winning means to them. Torrie announces that she thinks she'll be an inspiration to women by showing them you can be strong, brave and feminine. As opposed to the role model du jour, skinny, trashy and slutty. It's an admirable goal but... good luck with that, Torrie!

Now one of the three musketeers has to go. Damien: “The next celebrity….. to leave the jungle forever is…. …. …. ….. ….. …. John." Good. John gets that rictus grin and leaps up a little too quickly, pretending he's excited to be getting home. Even through they're all going home tonight. There's a soupy montage of Salley's Greatest Hits. He simmers down as he watches, becoming gracious and humble at last.

We get a LouDi recap. He’s the good guy, everybody loved Lou, nobody had a gripe with him, and he’s proud of that. He triumphantly proclaims, "I do what I set out to do, my experience in this jungle has been complete." Bravo, fine ac-tor! Time for Torrie. She surprised herself with how strong and fearless she’s been. Awww. She feels like she can do anything after this.

We're back in camp and Damien reminds us the final three have been roughing it for 24 days, and I realize I really lost count with this thing—that's two days longer than I thought. Oh well, my bad. Myleene: "Lou, Torrie, one of you is about to be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle." Damien. "Lou……… you nervous?" Indeed, Lou looks like he’s about to cry. Back to Myleene: “There can only be one winner." Oh come on, we know that already, you've been telling us for 24 days! "The public has decided and voted and I can only tell you two, it has been incredibly close. The winner. Of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here 2009 is ….. …." Torrie? Please?

"Lou Diamond Phillips."

Well of course. The ex-campmates are ecstatic. J-Dick, I think, self-combusts. LouDi gets a shiny wreath of leaves. Myleene says, "We'll see you next year!"

And there'll be pork in the treetops come morning. 

 

The End.

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 7: Sanjaya the Jungle Boy

 
Well, enough already with the Heidi and Spencer hype. I guess all the palaver over the weekend worked—IACGMOOH's viewer numbers were up an iota or two from last Thursday night. As suspected, there was no torture in the Lost Chamber—the walls were alive with bugs and spiders, that’s all, which made Heidi and Spencer pogo in panic all night long. Their arc is spread out over the first hour, but let’s get it over with right now: They’re allowed to rejoin camp; they speechify about the Lord and redemption and demons and the power of Christ (and somebody please explain to me why, in three years of The Hills, we’ve had no clue about Heidi’s obsessive Christianity yet now she's incapable of uttering a single syllable without the words Christ or God or praise Jesus leaping from her mouth); Heidi sings for the camp and sounds to Janice like “a cat that somebody has put water on”; Heidi gets sick, she’s rushed to hospital, it’s gastric, it’s serious, the charade is over, they’re gone.

Now they’re out of the way, here’s what else happened. The "aunties from the other side of the family"  have both gone back to the other side. Frances pulled her celebrity card and walked. She couldn’t take it without her BFF Angela. She was justifiably revolted by the return of the Terrible Two, and had nobody to crack wise about it with. I’m sorry to see Frangela go, this show needs their comic relief.

Now to the vote: Who did the public choose to compete in the Houdini Trial? Why, Sanjaya and J-Dick! Yay! I guess my vote counted. But the downside: Clearly, the public isn’t rooting for the Lady Team, there’s no way J-Dick will win. She receives the news perched on a log, looking particularly insane with a  new jungle hairdo that’s just begging to be accented by a bone.

They’re playing for lobster. Sanji goes first. He’s very calm and casual, bound by chains inside that narrow tank, as if he’s hanging out at the local pool. The snakes are added. Then cute little baby crocs. And wee frogs! Aww. The water’s rising fast—I’m starting to panic on his behalf, this can’t be easy!—and Sanji seems to have the ability to breathe underwater as he just keeps diving down for his keys. All the wee froggies float and bob around him, unperturbed, their pointy little frog-fingers dangling underwater. Sanji unlocks all five locks in 3 minutes and 12 seconds. He does a victory dance underwater. Dude didn’t break a sweat.

Next up is J-Dick, who acts like she’s pumped and ready to go. Once she’s all locked in, though, the mood swings wildly. The water rises, the critters are dispensed and she promptly wails: “No-no-no-no-no-no!” The froggies are as scared of J-Dick as she is of them: they bunch together in a corner, as far away from her as they can get. J-Dick screams, “Get me outta here!” and she’s done. Not one lock. She’s hysterical. And yet… her lip gloss is miraculously intact.

Sanji and J-Dick return to camp. “Hey, what happened?” Patti asks gratuitously. Take a guess, hon. J-Dick is traumatized and has to have a lie-down. A tarantula crawls on a rock. The boys come up with an idea to devise their own game for the girls to play, and the winner gets one of their meals. J-Dick is pissed and screeches about how she’s sick. She breaks down and whimpers for Sanji, who runs to her side. He’s got huge, angry red welts all over his skinny body. Do you hear him complain? J-Dick is shaking and crying about how freaked out she was by the trial. Sanji holds and kisses her to make it all better. It’s a little bit creepy, a bit too Spanking the Monkey for me. And Daniel “Papa Bear” Baldwin too—he’s done with her lousy menopausal moods.

We get a short Sanji the Jungle Boy montage. He’s gone completely Mowgli now. “I’m totally in my element!” he squeals, black warpaint smeared on his face. He makes jungle jewellery. He designs a broom out of some palm fronds. He whittles a vine to make some furniture. He’s really at home here. “He’s like a wood nymph,” coos Lou Diamond. Wise, wacky Uncle Lou.

By now the men have had it up to here with the Diva Dickinson and her drama. She orders SanjiMow around—“get my shoes, give me a massage!” She lies around all day and scowls. Which is such a waste of all the time and money she’s invested in her various nips and tucks and fillers—when she’s not scowling, she can look quite pretty. Why have all that work done and then pull a face all day like Jabba the Hut? Long Tall bitches behind her back, “She’s she’s mean she’s selfish … she’s a witch.” Papa Bear is more direct, telling her straight up: “I just want to see you do something around this camp besides eat and sleep.” Naturally, this just makes her sneer and scowl some more.

It’s time to pick a new team leader, Wacky Uncle Lou announces in his reading glasses. Hee! They have to split into two teams and do another eating challenge at Jungle Joe’s Café. The first group gets some kind of spiky grub. J-Dick sprints out of there, followed by Torrie and Long Tall. It’s up to Sanji, who breaks them into tiny chips and ingests them at his leisure. On the other team, Papa Bear starts talking trash about how he’s hogging the camera time, so Sanji hands him a plateful and Papa scarfs 'em right down. This gains him no points at all: it’s not his round yet and it isn’t even his dish. Such a showoff.

Papa Bear's team gets leaf cutter ants. Brother Stevie informs us that they taste a “little smoky, little jerky” but can’t get them down and walks, with Patti hot on his heels. LouDi has one little problem: He can’t quite swallow. You and a million ladies out there, Lou. Papa Bear wins. 

It’s Sanji and Papa Bear. The dish is a bull’s testicle. In true team spirit, J-Dick gags loudly. Equally helpful, Myleene shouts, “Oh it smells rank!” I’m sure Mario Batali serves these at Babbo, what's all the fuss? One bite and Sanji’s out. LouDi and Papa Bear face off in the next round: stick insect with cow tongue chaser. Daniel inhales the bug, no problem but he can’t do the tongue. He forfeits to LouDi.

J-Dick is relieved because LouDi “doesn’t have snarly comments like the Baldwins or Salley.” Not for long. LouDi decides, in the effort to be a fair leader, to have a Janice intervention. He assigns her to dish duty. J-Dick responds by hawking something up from her chest.

Suddenly we’re invited for the first time to learn exactly which charities these celebs are suffering for. Daniel is there for the his mother’s institute, Carol M. Baldwin Breast Cancer Research Fund. She’s a breast cancer survivor, but he cries just talking about it. Salley’s is the Cedar Sinai Sports Spectacular. Torrie’s for Disabled American Veterans. LouDi’s is the Art Has Heart Foundation. J-Dick is supporting the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation. Sanji’s is the Shriners Hospital for Children. Patti’s is the Children’s Cancer Center. Stevie B’s is Love 146, which helps young girls sold into sex slavery. Okay, good. Now we know. And Myleene and Damien remind us that we can chip in anytime.

It’s dinner time. A basket is lowered into camp from somewhere overhead. But wait—there’s only one lobster in there. J-Dick, who totally threw both competitions today, is all, What? The guys aren’t going to feed me? Unfortunately, the male team is being penalized for exactly that: They were not supposed to share their meals with the losing Lady Team. Now they tell us! Salley’s not having it. “I got children! You don’t punish me!” Not sure why having children exempts anybody from breaking the rules, but whatever. Myleene’s a little tickled by the latest twist; she’s all, Ha ha, suck it!

We’re live and it’s time for the immunity challenge. J-Dick grimaces and invites America to vote her off and then immediately takes it back and then pleads too sick to do the challenge. Papa Bear holds up that black-and-white photo of somebody's baby and, as usual, nobody pays him any mind.  There will be no IACGMOOH tonight thanks to the Stanley Cup, but they’ll be back Wednesday! With a brand new surprise campmate—Heidi’s sister Holly! So the rumors were true after all. And a nation yawns.

Photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: The Heidi-Spencer Hoax Continues

This is getting way out of hand. On Saturday, Us magazine had an "exclusive" report that Heidi had been rushed to hospital "with an undisclosed medical emergency." Apparently, Spencer twittered it. Or his witless sister, Stephanie. Or both.

On Sunday, TMZ reported that Miss Heidi had a gastric ulcer as a result of being "tortured" in the Chamber of Horrors, where she and her wastrel husband Spencer were being held hostage, in the dark, fed only water, rice and beans—just like in Guantanamo Bay!—for one day and one night. Or for three whole days, according to E! Online, which also ran the following statement from NBC's head of alternative programming Paul Telegdy:

"... the 'insincere, lazy, entitled" Pratts required a stint in "isolation" before producers would decide the twosome's fate on this Monday's show, vowing that the Pratts "really are going to bare their souls."

But then: Gawker's Defamer wing subsequently reported that Telegdy, under orders from his boss Ben Silverman, had flown to Costa Rica to throw more money at the Pratts after they tried to quit the show and beg them not to leave. (Told ya!) They also pointed to subsequent updates on TMZ throughout yesterday and today that (1) IACGMOH producers were pissed at Spencer's torture claims, insisting the whole situation was safe and supervised and, most important, on film, so we can see for ourselves; and then (2) that the Pratts were, in actual fact, lounging in a hotel for three days; and then (3) that Spencer says that's all bullshit and is planning on suing NBC; and (4) omg, the Pratts are trying to get out of Costa Rica but doctors won' t give Heidi clearance to fly; and (5) look! Here are photos of the Lost Chamber, which may or may not have involved real torture.

And as for the latest, as of right now, back to E!: All the reports are inaccurate, everybody's fine, Heidi was never tortured, she was just feeling unwell and needs more tests, they're both still in Costa Rica, tune in tonight and the truth will out.

All this publicity-seeking sturm und drang, and for what?  The gossip blog community may be all over this, but will that really translate into bigger numbers tonight? I guess we'll find out soon enough, but I will say this: All this manufactured drama and cheap manipulation have completely corrupted the show. The whole premise was doomed to fail from the start.

The reason IACGMOOH is popular in the UK is partly the fascination with the social experiment angle: putting disparate personalities together in a harsh, unfamiliar environment and seeing how they cope. There is also a vicarious, slightly sadistic thrill in having a hand in the fate of the cast by voting them into those hideous trials, and finding out who cracks under the pressure while cheering on those who flourish and triumph. Those three weeks in the jungle are life-transforming for the people who've participated in IACGMOOH-UK over the last eight years—that's what drives them to do the show in the first place—and that's also compelling to watch.

And it's funny! It doesn't take itself half as seriously as IACGMOOH-US. All this Pratt nonsense has been so distracting that even after one full week, there's no traction at all. The show's still in limbo, entirely dependent on the Heidi-Spencer arc. We should be well into the interactive element by now, with our votes impacting the campmates' fates and, with any luck, their sanity. But as it is, it's impossible to understand  what this show is supposed to be—a competition? a popularity contest? a soap opera?—and any initial good will towards it has run dry.

Of course, I'll watch tonight's bloated two-hour episode. Depending on how it plays out, it may be the last time.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 4: Janice the Crazy Old Aunt

 

Well, ratings were down a whopping 43 percent last night, but there was some basketball game or other on ABC so apparently it doesn’t really count. Moving on: We open with a preview of the big Heidi and Spencer Dilemma. LouDi self-importantly confessionals, “I didn’t want to send a message that you can quit and quit and quit, act like a jerk and be given a second chance.” Isn’t it, like, a fourth chance at this point? Ange threatens to leave if they come back. Then, we have the requisite recap of last night.

And finally: Hi there, it’s Myleene in a bright yellow frock and Damien in a teal shirt. “Green’s your color,” she flirts. They remind us that either J-Dick, Frangie or Torrie are out tonight. They also remind us that the Wastrels want to come back, in case we weren’t paying attention 30 seconds ago. We flash back to footage we’ve seen a dozen times already of the two of them lying through their teeth about how they and the devil got it so wrong last time and how repentant they are. At this point it’s transparent that network strings are being pulled to keep them on the show—Heidi’s in all the promos  dangling from a harness in her stilettos, can’t waste those!—plus, MTV will be airing a marathon of all the episodes so far this Sunday. Aha. Deals have been made, yo. This is business.

The campmates deliberate. J-Dick tells us she wants them back because she thinks she’s the only person in the universe who could reform Spencer. We already knew she was delusional, but really. “They were horrible people,” argues Ange. “They’re not horrible people, they just made some horrible decisions while they were here,” rationalizes Sangie, who’s gone tribal with some black markings on his cheeks. Long Tall points out that Heidi is a good competitor and the ladies need all the help they can get. Daniel the Papa Bear suggests that they let them back in but set “boundaries.” LouDi argues there’s no point in that because Spencer has already declared he's The Villain. Frange points out—quite rightly!—that it’s unfair to the others: “They’re taking up space from people who really wanted to be here, who’ve been working from Day One, Minute One.” “It’s been 2 days,” LouDi pipes up. “Those two days have been our days in the jungle,” argues Frange. Wait a minute. According to my calendar, we’re at Day 4. What’s going on here?

Long Tall tells us he likes Spencer because he reminds him of P Diddy. Way to name drop. And besides, that’s a good thing?

Next, we find out that all the girls have a crush on Papa Bear. He’s helpful with the chores. While washing the dishes, he and Bebe have a little bitch about Torrie’s and J-Dick’s nonexistent work ethic. Cut to J-Dick lying provocatively on her side making cow eyes at Papa Bear. She asks him if he’s bored. “I’m never bored, he says. J-Dick’s all, Omigod, me too! Flutter flutter. The irony flies over her head.

Flashback to Papa Bear’s surprise arrival and everybody going ooooooh! We just saw this footage in the opening recap! Do we really need to go over it again? Clearly, the producers figure that Kids Today are watching this show while twittering and facebooking and sexting and ipoding and probably getting high and stoned all at the same time, so they have to keep going back over every little detail.

Now we get a montage of J-Dick hocking loogies all over camp. “Something is definitely dying inside of Janice’s chest…” begins Ange, “…and I think it’s something from the Studio 54 days,” finishes Frange. These two kill me. We are treated to scene after scene of J-Dick hoisting up the material and letting it fly. It is horrible. Sweet Torrie feels sorry for her because she’s sick and “if she needs to get it out, she needs to get it out,” but when she dares to broach the subject, J-Dick chews off her head:  “We’re camping, Torrie! That’s what people do when they camp!” Frange isn’t buying it, telling us that even natives of the rain forest would say “no, mmmm-mmm, you got to go over there.” She wants to build some Section 8 housing for J-Dick and her grossness. Ha!

Oh my eyes! Dawg saunters into camp completely shirtless, a walking sack of oatmeal. It’s time for the next food challenge. Papa Bear and Long Tall go in against Bebe and Torrie. They line up for the rules. I always thought Daniel Baldwin was tall, but standing next to Long Tall he looks about as stately as Gimli the Middle-earth Dwarf. The trial involves crawling through a swamp underneath a bamboo grid and retrieving some spongy puzzle pieces. It’s pretty boring so they recap the hell out of it while it’s happening. Instant recap! For all you brain-challenged viewers at home.

Back at camp Long Tall congratulates himself for using the smack talk and winning again. He declares that “Patti and Torrie are gamers, you can just send the other three home.” Back to Damien and Myleen, who invite us to vote for one man and one woman to go head to head in a food trial next week. “Pick wisely, the girls need to eat, come on the sisterhood!” Myleene cheers. Nice thought, Myleene, but dream on. We’re given a demonstration of the trial, a Houdini number involving a water tank with locks and chains and–yes!—slimy critters. We can’t see who the demonstration model is in there but it looks like J-Dick. Has this already been recorded? Did she volunteer earlier to do a walk through? Damn I'm confused.

Back at camp, oh no, there’s a jungle thief. Ange can’t find her shower kit with her hair pick in it. God knows you don’t want to deprive a sister of her pick. She finds it in J-Dick’s pack. She knew it. “Yep, bitch got my shit.” The whole camp is up in arms, everybody’s missing something. Torrie’s lost hair ties, a pair of underwear  and her towel. Cut to J-Dick in the shower, oblivious, washing her weave and hair. Then, Long Tall: Who took my pillow? Cut to J-Dick sleeping, oblivious, on Long Tall’s pillow. He ain’t happy. “People’s skin is just getting thinner and thinner and thinner,” Frange explains, “and Janice is just starting to pop some people.”

Bebe sits Long Tall down to impart some worldly advice. She tells him her husband ran against a woman like J-Dick once. Here’s what you have to do with a woman like that: Roll your eyes and call her a crazy old aunt. Crazy Old Aunt Janice. Sounds like good politics to me!

Now, a weepy montage. All four women on the chopping block tell us one by one how much they love it there, how much they’ve learned about themselves, and how they’ve all gotten so close over these two jungle days. A piano plinky-plonks in the background. Everybody gets farklempt.

We’re live. Myleene and Damien head into camp with the results. American has voted. But first: LouDi, which woman do you think should leave? None of them, says LouDi, because we’re family and “I’m wacky Uncle Lou.” Nice self-image there, Lou. Sangie tells us that he’s been in the jungle” a very very very long time, so this is just an extension of my life.” Nobody asks him to elaborate on this bizarre statement, we just move right along. Bebe keeps tugging on her ear like Carol Burnett every time the camera’s on her. Time for the results. J-Dick announces, for no apparent reason, “I’ve gone insane.” Thanks for clarifying. Then she’s told she’s safe. “Oh maaaan!” Frange is safe. Torrie and Ange are not.

We go back to the last dinner from the night before. The continuity of this show is, as Long Tall would say, wack. They discuss the Wastrels again and talk about how they’ve all bonded like a family. Long Tall breaks it down for us: Lou’s the oldest brother, Daniel’s the old uncle. Janice is the loopy auntie, Sanjaya’s still young (so what is he, cousin? nephew?),  Frangela are the funny aunties from the other side of the family, Patti is the mother, he’s the cook, Torrie’s the bombshell, and Dawg is the white hip-hop kid. You know, because we all have one.

Frange guess that it’s going to be one of them who gets eliminated. A tree frog is pelted by a raindrop. The public has decided that the very first celebrity to leave the jungle is: Ange. Bye Ange! We hardly knew ye. J-Dick bellows: “No! No! No!” Was she hoping it would be Torrie? We’re treated to another demo of the Houdini challenge and invited to text our picks. As they read the text numbers out, Janice rasps, “Not Janice!” I pick up my phone and text: Janice.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 3: Jungle Upset Is a Bitch

Well it’s official: America does not give a rat’s backside about Heidi and Spencer. All those 18- to 49-year-olds NBC’s been banking on were too busy watching So You Think You Can Dance and Wipeout last night, so IACGMOOH slipped even further down the Nielsen chart than it did the night before. Perhaps there’s an argument that all the viewers who came to see the Beige Wastrels didn’t bother to come back after their third and allegedly final exit the night before. But there was a lot of hype yesterday that they were still hanging around the jungle, ready to keep milking their tired old stunt, so who knows? Maybe it’s just the whole concept of this show and its D-Listers that isn’t catching on, Spendi or not. That would be a shame, because with those two cretins gone, it really started to get pretty good.

Here’s what happened: The recap, of course—11 people in the jungle; the Wastrels, “we’re outta here”; the guys pick Patti Blago to save from expulsion; yada yada. (It finally hits me who Patti reminds me of: Frasier’s agent, Bebe. Don’t you think?)

Okay, back to the present. Or, the taped part that comes before the live part later on. Or whatever. The Dimple Twins, Damien and Myleene, welcome us back and assure us that things are getting “wild” in the jungle. Myleene wide-eyes that there’s a big surprise coming later when a new face shows up in camp. Damien quips, “Janet’s had more work done, that’s great!” Ooh! Damien’s getting cheeky. I like it.

Transition back to camp. There’s a close-up of ants carrying bits of bright green fern on their backs. Pretty! The campers are waking up. It’s a beautiful new morning in the jungle. Angelica confessionals that “Waking up in camp without Spencer was like having a rainbow in our heart.” Awww.

J-Dick starts messing around the kettle on the fire. It’s heavy. She spills some water. Apparently—horrors—into Long Tall Salley’s boots. Long Tall’s not happy when he goes to put them on.“You’re not gonna believe this. Somebody put water in mah boot.” Someone fingers J-Dick. “Baby, you put water in mah boot?” J-Dick’s all, “What are you talking about?” Suddenly it’s the Spanish Inquisition. Did you touch that water? Did you go anywhere near that water? Did you look at that water? J-Dick’s not having any of it. Long Tall needs to get a grip.

Then Long Tall wants to borrow J-Dick’s tiny bottle of shampoo and they get in a scrap over that. J-Dick claims she needs the little bit of what’s left. “I got weave and hair, you don’t have any hair,” she protests. Fair enough. But Long Tall’s not a happy camper, oh no. He carried J-Dick’s bag through the river for her, remember? He’s always doing all kinds of things for her and she just lies around being a bitch. He starts yelling and then his mouth goes all blurry because there’s some language coming out of there.

Oh my god. I’m convinced he just dropped the C bomb. But it turns out it was the M-Fing N bomb. Wow, that is harsh. J-Dick comes completely unglued. She is jungle upset. She’s in the confessional, face smeared with tears—not a good look, especially on J-Dick—and quavers, “You don’t call a grown woman the MF or the N word. I thought people were supposed to be over that.” I’m with J-Dick, it was beyond the pale.

But, what’s that? Long Tall’s jungle upset too. After the break: He’s crying.

Back from the break. Oh, hell no, another recap of why Spendi left. Why can’t NBC let this go already? We flash back all the way to the very beginning. Spencer: “My wife looks like she’s having a serious breakdown.” Spencer’s one of those guys that, once he gets married, stops referring to his spouse by her first name. It’s forevermore “my wife” this, “my wife” that—you know the type. Creepy.

There’s a reason for this umpteenth recap. Guess what? The Wastrels haven’t left yet. Myleene tells us with an eye roll that they’re still around and they want back in. Again. “Can’t wait!” Damien lies. Even the hosts have had enough. What. Is. The. Point?

Back at camp, J-Dick is off in the confessional, weeping. The guys pow-wow around Long Tall. “She’s on the warpath, just lettin’ you know brotha,” warns LouDi. He must be catching the street-speak from Dawg. Meanwhile, Dawg thinks she deserved to get yelled at because she’s always lobbing all these subtle little spitballs. Nice. Long Tall confessionals that he’s not the kind of guy who goes around calling grown women M-Fing Ns. He used to be, but he’s not anymore. It’s just that J-Dick hit his red button. Water in the boots and no shampoo will do that to a guy.

Everyone speculates that J-Dick is going to leave the show. Sanjaya can’t contain his bemused disbelief: “They’re just droppin’ like flies.” You got that right, Sangie!

Now Long Tall is sitting in the lotus position in the river. He’s full of remorse. He heads over to the confessional to apologize. We can’t see inside, but we have audio. J-Dick tells him go away; he goes down on bended knee. J-Dick’s not impressed. “You can go now.” Poor Long Tall comes out and sobs into his bandanna, “I feel terrible.” He starts crying a river, right into the river! Actually, it’s a little upsetting to watch. J-Dick had asked him if he’d ever talk to his daughters that way, and that hit him where it hurt. And the jungle’s getting to him, too. Jungle upset is a bitch.

Cut back to the Dimple Twins, who are anything but jungle upset. They’re totally flirting. They call each other fine specimens—giggle, giggle! They’re pretty damn cute together. It’s time for the next food trial. J-Dick pleads bronchitis again and demands to sit it out. I’m pretty sure she played the bronchitis card in the UK version, too, but hey, it works for her.

Damien explains the rules to the rest of the camp. “The deal is,” he begins, “J-Dick is sick, right?” Angelica deadpans, “Sick in the head.” Hah!

The meal this time? Pork! Angelica starts to cry. Bebe is stony faced, as per. The trial involves putting your hand into a hole in a rock wall. There are stars to be retrieved in there. As well as…. Critters! Are you getting the hang of this? Long Tall steps up, with Frangie. Their holes contain tarantulas. Not good news for the arachnophobe. Long Tall’s hand is in and out quick, like a little hen-peck—he even does a chicken dance. Frangie hops around and screams like she’s in Saw VI. Long Tall goes into zen mode and keeps his hand in there this time. He is conquering his fears! Just like he said he came to the jungle to do. I guess after the confrontation with J-Dick, he can face anything now. Long Tall is unhooking his star while psyching out a screaming Frangie into the bargain. He’s got some tricks up his sleeve; he likes to get into people’s heads. It works: He wins.

Next: LouDi and Torrie after the break. Back from the break, we stop in with the Dimple Twins first. They’re flirting some more. In fact, Myleene looks a little disheveled, she’s got some bedhead going on. What have they been up to during the break?

LouDi and Torrie get rats. They’re both getting bitten. Torrie completely loses it and bails. There’s blood on her hand. What? You’ve got to be kidding. Must have been some waiver those contestants signed for this show. LouDi’s hand is getting gnawed to a stump. He mans up, though, and gets the star. Then we see a medic rush over. This is nuts.

Next, Bebe and Sangie. I can’t even tell what’s in their hole—fish? Eels? Whatever, it’s over quickly. Bebe wins. There goes Sangie’s winning streak. Now it’s Angelica and Dawg. Angelica goes in talking a big game but buckles instantly. Cow dung and earth worms! Frangie screams at her girl, “Get in there!” Myleene wants Angelica to win for the ladies so badly, she starts coaching her—“The stars on a coil! It’s on a coil!” Dawg wins. He gloats. It's not pretty.

Frangie and Long Tall are up again. She is hilarious right now. She’s so squeamish she can’t even get her hand in the hole. Long Tall creams it. The guys win again. Rice and beans for the ladies for the third day in a row.

Torrie gets back to camp and has a delayed reaction over her bitten fingers and breaks down. J-Dick is relaxing  a nice little safari ensemble, looking like she’s just had a nice steam and a facial. LouDi comes back from the sick bay with his entire hand bandaged. He’s being all hard about it and starts talking about how his dad did two tours in Nam. Whatever you say, LouDi. J-Dick sneers and reminds us for the second time that she dated Rambo, and that LouDi ain’t no Rambo. Presumably, Stallone was in character the whole time those two went out.

Now it’s time for the mystery guest. Holy cow, it’s Daniel, the craziest of all the Baldwin brothers. Dawg is gobsmacked. He confesses that bringing Daniel into the jungle unexpectedly like that is “a gnarly jedi mind trick.” J-Dick is loving this new campmate. “They always have a hot backup,” she yells. She’s been here before, you guys. She knows.

Oh holy lord. We’re live, and Heidi and Spencer are back eating humble pie. Spencer monotones some bullshit about how he lost his mind while Heidi twirls her hair and admits in her grating Auto Voice that they took the opportunity to do this show for granite. I think she means granted. But they’re not allowed to simply waltz back in this time: It’s up to a vote back at camp.

Damien leads us back through the jungle to camp. “How are we?” he asks rhetorically. “Missing my kids!” bellows J-Dick. “I’m missing my kids,” mutters Bebe a little sourly, as if J-Dick is hogging all the kid-missing around there. Damien warns them that they’re live, so watch the language—especially J-Dick. Excuse me, but was she the one who called somebody a M-Fing N? I don’t think so. Damien tells the camp about the return of the Beige Wastrels and the vote. “There’s no room for them!” J-Dick screeches, but she does an immediate about-face and wants to vote them back in. Suddenly, cacophony as everybody argues at once. The Baldwins start bickering about the right way to vote. J-Dick votes yes. Long Tall jumps up to second her—obviously sucking up to make amends—and then Dawg stands up, just because he’s a tool.

And we’re out of time. I really hope they vote against the return of these two Pratts. But if they do come back, I hope “America”—aka the infinitesimal percentage of people in the country watching this show—gets into the spirit and votes one of them off immediately. Get rid of Spencer, and Heidi will cleave onto his back and go with him. She couldn’t hack it alone. She’s his wife.

photo courtesy of NBC

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Day 2: So Long, Pratts!

Janice Dickinson said it best: “I didn’t know I was signing up for I’m a Holy Roller, Get Me Out of Here.” Neither did I. Three quarters of last night’s episode was wasted on the cretinous born-again Christians Heidi and Spencer and their narcissistic “will we stay or will we go” games. It’s way past obvious now that NBC was banking on them to drive up the numbers, but it didn’t work: According to TV by the Numbers, viewership among the 18 to 49s, that Holy Grail of demo groups, was down by 19 percent. That’s too bad, because once these two asshats quit for the third time—seemingly for good, although today rumors persist that they’ll be back, again—the last 10 minutes of the episode finally got down to what this show is supposed to be all about.

Here’s how it played out. Damien and Myleene dimple charmingly as they welcome us back and try to convince us how “incredible” the show's been so far. To the recap: We left off with the players, minus lame sitter-outers Spendi (because they have completely spent my nerves… and by the way, why were they allowed to sit out the live challenge? That is not supposed to be an option!), strapped onto stretchers and suspended headfirst into a pit as different groups of heinous critters are released one by one. Each has the option, of course, to bail at any time. First up is roaches. Frangelica are outta there before it’s even started. Salley springs up like a jack-in-the-box next. Janice bails and seems a little traumatized by it, shrieking “No! No! No! No!” even after she's freed from the pit. I really hope J-Dick doesn’t get voted off. It’s fun watching her freak out.

Tarantulas are released next, then snakes and then worms. Salley the arachnophobe decides to psyche out the remaining women, Mrs. Blago and Torrie, by announcing where all the critters are on their bodies. Torrie has a snake on her face! The girls are out. LouDi's out. Only Sanjaya and Stephen Baldwin remain. Water starts to rise in the pit, threatening to drown them, as the critters crawl and slither all over. Baldwin’s out. Sanjaya wins. Sanjaya! Who knew he was such a badass? Then he interviews in his little-girl lilt, “Winnninggggg was amaaaazinggggg” and flaps his hands at the memory of it all. He’s a fierce little mohawked badass sprite. 

Back to camp: LouDi gets a bed just for being The Leader and Spencer puts on an incredulous “I’ve been robbed” face. Tool. And then, suddenly, a confessional from the Angelica half of Frangelica. Sad reality-show sob-story violins accompany her as she describes a traumatizing potty trip in the middle of the night, and then she shares, just between her and us, that she’s had “a lot of mini-breakdowns.” We cut to one of them. Poor Ange is talking to herself, then telling herself off for talking to herself and slapping herself in the face. What the…? “I’m jungle upset,” she explains. Even though I feel bad for her, well, this is more like the I’m a Celebrity I know and love. Stuff happens to these people when they’re camping out in the jungle like that. It’s a crucial part of the game.

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: NBC premiere

 

I’ve been pretty curious to see how last night’s premiere of NBC’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here was going to work out. This series is wildly popular in the UK, where it’s been running for nine seasons and airs every year in November. I’ve often been in London when it’s on and even though I’m on holiday and should be doing a million things other than watching TV, I get sucked in every time. Most of my friends there watch it—including the ones I always stay with—and so do their kids and, most likely, their parents.

More than half the country tunes in to see this show. All in the name of charity, contestants are forced to camp out in the Australian rainforest for three weeks with few amenities and compete in various challenges to win meals for the camp. Each night the public votes for one cast member to go into the Bush Tucker Trial, which usually involves being submerged in a water tank with snakes or in a pit with creepy crawly bugs and spiders; then they vote again for their favorite celebrity. The one with the least votes is sent home until there is one left standing, who’s named King or Queen of the Jungle.

IACGMOOH UK is silly and sensationalistic and one of the most charming shows I’ve ever seen. A wide array of celebrities are cast to appeal to every age group imaginable—comedians, soap actors, TV and radio hosts, pop singers, retired footballers, models, journalists, producers, politicians, pantomime stars. They’ve had Martina Navratilova, John Lydon (who went predictably apeshit after just a few days and quit) and David Gest (who, shockingly, turned out to be a really funny guy and one of the most popular players that season). There are rows and romances, bickering and breakdowns, but it is curiously fascinating to watch how these people manage to cope in harsh conditions and to see them ultimately bond and band together. It brings out the worst in some people but, more often, it brings out the best.

The show is put together with a light tough that verges on camp, hosted by the cheeky chappies Ant and Dec. It’s sweet. It’s funny. It’s addictive. You tune in every night for three weeks because you get attached to these people, you fall in love with some of them, you really cheer for them to win and you can’t wait to see what they’re going to do next.

An attempt to import IACGMOOH to the US was made in 2003 by ABC, sticking faithfully to the UK format. It was hosted by John Lehr, one of the Geico cavemen. It tanked. Maybe it was the celebrities, like Melissa Rivers and Downtown Julie Brown and Stuttering John Melendez and Chris Judd, who were just too obscure. Maybe it was the three-week nightly commitment. Maybe it was because the reality craze was relatively new and still eyed suspiciously back in 2003. Whatever the reason, the US audience ignored the show.

So I wondered, when I heard NBC was reviving it, what they were going to do differently this time. I hoped it would be something good. But I had my suspicions, and unfortunately they turned out to be right: They’ve made it like every other reality show on TV.