Well, ratings were down a whopping 43 percent last night,
but there was some basketball game or other on ABC so apparently it
doesn’t really count. Moving on: We open with a preview of the big
Heidi and Spencer Dilemma. LouDi self-importantly confessionals, “I
didn’t want to send a message that you can quit and quit and quit, act
like a jerk and be given a second chance.” Isn’t it, like, a fourth
chance at this point? Ange threatens to leave if they come back. Then,
we have the requisite recap of last night.
And finally: Hi
there, it’s Myleene in a bright yellow frock and Damien in a teal
shirt. “Green’s your color,” she flirts. They remind us that either
J-Dick, Frangie or Torrie are out tonight. They also remind us that the
Wastrels want to come back, in case we weren’t paying attention 30
seconds ago. We flash back to footage we’ve seen a dozen times already
of the two of them lying through their teeth about how they and the
devil got it so wrong last time and how repentant they are. At
this point it’s transparent that network strings are being pulled to
keep them on the show—Heidi’s in all the promos dangling from a
harness in her stilettos, can’t waste those!—plus, MTV will be airing a
marathon of all the episodes so far this Sunday. Aha. Deals have been
made, yo. This is business.
The campmates deliberate. J-Dick
tells us she wants them back because she thinks she’s the only person
in the universe who could reform Spencer. We already knew she was
delusional, but really. “They were horrible people,” argues Ange.
“They’re not horrible people, they just made some horrible decisions
while they were here,” rationalizes Sangie, who’s gone tribal with some
black markings on his cheeks. Long Tall points out that Heidi is a good
competitor and the ladies need all the help they can get. Daniel the
Papa Bear suggests that they let them back in but set “boundaries.”
LouDi argues there’s no point in that because Spencer has already
declared he's The Villain. Frange points out—quite rightly!—that it’s
unfair to the others: “They’re taking up space from people who really
wanted to be here, who’ve been working from Day One, Minute One.” “It’s
been 2 days,” LouDi pipes up. “Those two days have been our days in the jungle,” argues Frange. Wait a minute. According to my calendar, we’re at Day 4. What’s going on here?
Long Tall tells us he likes Spencer because he reminds him of P Diddy. Way to name drop. And besides, that’s a good thing?
Next,
we find out that all the girls have a crush on Papa Bear. He’s helpful
with the chores. While washing the dishes, he and Bebe have a little
bitch about Torrie’s and J-Dick’s nonexistent work ethic. Cut to J-Dick
lying provocatively on her side making cow eyes at Papa Bear. She asks
him if he’s bored. “I’m never bored, he says. J-Dick’s all, Omigod, me too! Flutter flutter. The irony flies over her head.
Flashback to Papa Bear’s surprise arrival and everybody going ooooooh!
We just saw this footage in the opening recap! Do we really need to go
over it again? Clearly, the producers figure that Kids Today are
watching this show while twittering and facebooking and sexting and
ipoding and probably getting high and stoned all at the same time, so
they have to keep going back over every little detail.
Now we get
a montage of J-Dick hocking loogies all over camp. “Something is
definitely dying inside of Janice’s chest…” begins Ange, “…and I think
it’s something from the Studio 54 days,” finishes Frange. These two
kill me. We are treated to scene after scene of J-Dick hoisting up the
material and letting it fly. It is horrible. Sweet Torrie feels sorry
for her because she’s sick and “if she needs to get it out, she needs
to get it out,” but when she dares to broach the subject, J-Dick chews
off her head: “We’re camping, Torrie! That’s what people do when they
camp!” Frange isn’t buying it, telling us that even natives of the rain
forest would say “no, mmmm-mmm, you got to go over there.” She wants to build some Section 8 housing for J-Dick and her grossness. Ha!
Oh
my eyes! Dawg saunters into camp completely shirtless, a walking sack
of oatmeal. It’s time for the next food challenge. Papa Bear and Long
Tall go in against Bebe and Torrie. They line up for the rules. I
always thought Daniel Baldwin was tall, but standing next to Long Tall
he looks about as stately as Gimli the Middle-earth Dwarf. The trial
involves crawling through a swamp underneath a bamboo grid and
retrieving some spongy puzzle pieces. It’s pretty boring so they recap
the hell out of it while it’s happening. Instant recap! For all you
brain-challenged viewers at home.
Back at camp Long Tall
congratulates himself for using the smack talk and winning again. He
declares that “Patti and Torrie are gamers, you can just send the other
three home.” Back to Damien and Myleen, who invite us to vote for one
man and one woman to go head to head in a food trial next week. “Pick
wisely, the girls need to eat, come on the sisterhood!” Myleene cheers.
Nice thought, Myleene, but dream on. We’re given a demonstration of the
trial, a Houdini number involving a water tank with locks and chains
and–yes!—slimy critters. We can’t see who the demonstration model is in
there but it looks like J-Dick. Has this already been recorded? Did she
volunteer earlier to do a walk through? Damn I'm confused.
Back
at camp, oh no, there’s a jungle thief. Ange can’t find her shower kit
with her hair pick in it. God knows you don’t want to deprive a sister
of her pick. She finds it in J-Dick’s pack. She knew it. “Yep, bitch
got my shit.” The whole camp is up in arms, everybody’s missing
something. Torrie’s lost hair ties, a pair of underwear and her towel.
Cut to J-Dick in the shower, oblivious, washing her weave and hair.
Then, Long Tall: Who took my pillow? Cut to J-Dick sleeping, oblivious,
on Long Tall’s pillow. He ain’t happy. “People’s skin is just getting
thinner and thinner and thinner,” Frange explains, “and Janice is just
starting to pop some people.”
Bebe sits Long Tall down to impart
some worldly advice. She tells him her husband ran against a woman like
J-Dick once. Here’s what you have to do with a woman like that: Roll
your eyes and call her a crazy old aunt. Crazy Old Aunt Janice. Sounds
like good politics to me!
Now, a weepy montage. All four women on
the chopping block tell us one by one how much they love it there, how
much they’ve learned about themselves, and how they’ve all gotten so
close over these two jungle days. A piano plinky-plonks in the
background. Everybody gets farklempt.
We’re live. Myleene and
Damien head into camp with the results. American has voted. But first:
LouDi, which woman do you think should leave? None of them, says LouDi,
because we’re family and “I’m wacky Uncle Lou.” Nice self-image there,
Lou. Sangie tells us that he’s been in the jungle” a very very very
long time, so this is just an extension of my life.” Nobody asks him to
elaborate on this bizarre statement, we just move right along. Bebe
keeps tugging on her ear like Carol Burnett every time the camera’s on
her. Time for the results. J-Dick announces, for no apparent reason,
“I’ve gone insane.” Thanks for clarifying. Then she’s told she’s safe.
“Oh maaaan!” Frange is safe. Torrie and Ange are not.
We
go back to the last dinner from the night before. The continuity of
this show is, as Long Tall would say, wack. They discuss the Wastrels
again and talk about how they’ve all bonded like a family. Long Tall
breaks it down for us: Lou’s the oldest brother, Daniel’s the old
uncle. Janice is the loopy auntie, Sanjaya’s still young (so what is
he, cousin? nephew?), Frangela are the funny aunties from the other
side of the family, Patti is the mother, he’s the cook, Torrie’s the
bombshell, and Dawg is the white hip-hop kid. You know, because we all
have one.
Frange guess that it’s going to be one of them who gets
eliminated. A tree frog is pelted by a raindrop. The public has decided
that the very first celebrity to leave the jungle is: Ange. Bye Ange!
We hardly knew ye. J-Dick bellows: “No! No! No!” Was she hoping it
would be Torrie? We’re treated to another demo of the Houdini challenge
and invited to text our picks. As they read the text numbers out,
Janice rasps, “Not Janice!” I pick up my phone and text: Janice.
photo courtesy of NBC
