I’m Not a Cat Lady

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Finale Results. And the Moment We've All Been Waiting For...

BRISTOL LOST!

Jennifer won. Kyle is second.

And... we're done.

Dancing With the Stars, Season 11: Week 9. Please For the Love of God, Will Bristol Finally Go Home Already?

Hallelujah and praise be: This week, the semi-final, is only 90 minutes long. There are four couples left. And as Brooke Burke so eloquently puts it, “Tonight it’s the most important dances of the season so far.”  Each couple has two performances. So let’s get to it.

Round 1

Brandy

Lowered Expectations Sequence: After last week's outburst, Maks is chastened. He didn’t mean it, really. He was just being protective over his little flower, the one he likes to slap around a little every now and then. “I did it for you,” he tells Brandy.  “I'd have done it for you,” she coos back. Aw. Now that that’s out of the way, let's move on. Brandy acknowledges that she’s up against some stiff competition: Kyle, because “he’s got so much personality, he’s funny”; Bristol because “America loves Bristol Palin, she’s so nice you want to see her do well” or her mama will come at you with a shotgun; and then there’s Jennifer Grey, aka Baby, and “this is, like, legendary.”

On the floor: Brandy and Maks are dancing the paso doble and they are fiercely into it, whipping each other around in a storm of sturm und drang. It’s a bit like West Side Story meets Cat People as Brandy snarls and bares her teeth, a lot. These two are precision and determination personified. The only off-note here is Brandy’s peculiar Puffy Blouse. 

The judges: Len: “Great dancing and a great start to the show.” Bruno was afraind someone was going to get hurt. “You danced like a fury... Some of the finesse went a little bit, but as a performance, very, very strong.” Carrie Ann: “Your performance this week was amazingly passionate, I've never seen you more connected to your character as you were this week.”

The score: 27

Jennifer

LES: Last week she got a perfect 30. Suddenly it’s "Bum knee? What bum knee?" No whingeing this week, no sir. She’s got the cha cha cha and she's got a solo and she is PSYCHED.

On the floor: Jennifer gives Bruno a little lap dance before bursting onto the floor, a whirl of silver feathers a-bumping and grinding and twitching that tush. Nobody puts Baby in the corner indeed.

The judges: Bruno reenacts the dance, yelling, “The execution was flawless, your feet placement was fantastic, fantastic!” Carrie Ann: “I've been waiting all season to see Jennifer do a cha cha all by herslef and I was not disappointed.” Len: “You combined good technique with a really high performance level and you introduced fun and entertainment, no easy achievement.”

Coming up: Whitney Houston. Whazzat?

The score: 30.

Bristol

LES: She’s been at the bottom of the leader board for the sixth week in a row, waah waah. Mark says what we've all been thinking—that she's only got this far because of "who your mom is and the Tea Party." But in HIS opinion, “People at home are thinking, ‘That's exactly how I would be.'” And Bristol concurs. “I’m untouched and raw and vulnerable…I’m not typical Hollywood.” Just like her Mom isn’t typical Washington, she’s just a plain ol' soccer mom and she’s just like us and, gosh darnit, we need someone just like us to run the country so Vote for Palin in 2012.

On the floor: Bristol comes out with that Snooki face in a costume that would look right at home at Ozzfest, twirling and snapping her skirt and like a goth bullfighter and holding it open for Mark in a manner that looks unnervingly rude. She is using all her concentration to follow Mark’s lead every step of the way. And there’s Mama Bear in the audience, you know, the one who only got the most-watched debut in TLC history for her new show…These Palins are on a roll and I am not liking it one bit.

The judges: Carrie Ann commands Bristol to come and give her a hug. “This is what we've been asking for all season long, where you come out and you nail it!” Len: “I’m telling you, Bristol the Pistol, you fired a few blanks during the weeks but tonight it’s all guns blazing, your best dance, fabulous.” Bruno: “The little lamb is turning into a tigress.”

The score: 27

Commercial break. Keyboard Cat is hawking pistachios. How long has this been going on? I am so confused.

Kyle

LES: “You're the last manchild standing,” quips Lacey. Hee! And this competition is no joke to him anymore. He wants in on the finals, end of.

On the floor: Dancing the samba, Kyle comes out and… he moonwalks. Aw, I love this kid. He does a killer solo segment and shimmies and shakes his booty hard. As usual it’s a joy to watch these two, the most organically harmonious couple of the lot. They are dancing beautifully and they are having fun.

The judges: Len commends Kyle for not being a backstage drama queen like his fellow semi-finalists and adds, “I think you've got a bionic bum because you’ve got more bounce to the ounce than anyone during this season.” Bruno: “You truly are a bouncing bundle of joy. The samba is all about excitement and fun, and you are a natural generator of excitement and fun.” Carrie Ann is practically incoherent with joy: “I've never, ever seen so much pelvic action, ever. That was an amazing blend of entertainment and technique and bouncing up down and crazy technique.”

The score: 29

Round 2

Brandy

Okay, so it seems instead of a second round of Lowered Expectations Sequences we’re getting each contestant’s Background Sob Story about what makes them such fierce competitors. Here goes:

BSS: Ooh look, little Brandy was seriously bucktoothed as a kid… Bless! So was I. We see all about how she was a young singing wonder who had her first hit at 15 and—hoo, baby!—here’s Whitney, "Brandy's friend," looking kinda beat up and slurring a testimonial to young Brandy’s awesomeness. But then… her albums began to flop and in December 2006, Brandy was involved in a car crash in which the man whose car she hit was killed. Whoa, I forgot about that. She tells us about the depression that followed and how she didn’t leave the house for three months, and how, even though she was proven innocent of any charges, people still called her a murderer. I’m not so sure it was a good idea to remind us about all this. I have a feeling it could backfire badly.

On the floor: Brandy and Maks have the Argentine tango (and I’d like to mention here how much I love the way the British announcer on this show pronounces it the Argen-TYNE tango) and it is fierce perfection. Brandy is completely immersed. It’s like these two have been dancing this tango together for years.

The judges: Len: “You moved in and out of those lifts with effortless ease... You created a great atmosphere.” Bruno: “Lush, languid, voluptuous, full of flavor, great emotional depth.... stunning.” Carrie Ann: “Dynamic, passionate, powerful, amazing.”

The score: 30. Finally.

Jennifer

BSS: Jennifer, the daughter of Academy Award Winner Joel Grey, was a daddy’s girl (big surprise) and always loved to sing and dance and act ever since she was a wee lassie. There she is with her old face! It was all going swimmingly, and then… Another fatal car crash that most people probably forgot all about till right now. In 1987, she and then-boyfriend Matthew Broderick were involved in an accident on a small country road in Northern Ireland in which a local woman and her mother were killed. Matthew was driving on the wrong side of the road. He was fined just $150. Jennifer now claims that her neck has never been the same since then. Gee whiz, why did we have to go all the way back there? Wasn’t her cancer story enough?

On the floor: It’s the Viennese Waltz. And it’s perfect. But I can’t concentrate—I keep thinking about that car crash story.

The judges: Bruno: “A gem of a waltz. You are a great dancer and never forget it.” Carrie Ann: “Through dancing we can actually see people's souls. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.” Hello, is Derek crying? Len: “It was quiet, it was delicate, it was poignant… If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up because that was fabulous.” 

The score: 30

Bristol

BSS: Here we go. Alaska, Wasilla, Mama Grizzly getting more facetime extolling her daughter’s virtues: “When Bristol makes up her mind when she's gonna do something, you don't argue with her.” Which brings us to Levi and the badly timed pregnancy and the bump growing right there for all to see on national Tee Vee. Bristol tells us how hard it was when everyone said she was such a sleaze. And Mama Grizzly says, “They may wanna bring ya down but doggoneit, ya might as well dance!” And ya might as well run in 2012, right Sarah?

On the floor: She's in another Merrie Widow–black shroud with slits up to here, dancing the waltz. Her face looks dead again. Yes, she is much improved but she is still plodding through. She looks so heavy next to little Mark. And, I’m sorry, but her exposed leg looks like a tree trunk.

The judges: Carrie Ann: “In your paso you were fully in ownership in your dance... but you drifted out... But I still think you've come so far.” Len: “There’s a vulnerability about your dancing. I thought it was beautiful. Be proud.” Bruno: “I quite like the way you approached this waltz differently.” But: “I have to be honest... You really had a journey...” He struggles for words, for once. And suddenly Len takes a moment to congratulate the band.

The score: 26

Kyle

BSS: He grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and was always a little ball of energy. His mother took $10,000 out of her 401K to take her two talented sons to Hollywood, they struggled a lot, and it all  paid off. Let's face it, Kyle is too young and sunny to have a great big BSS. Good for him.

On the floor: He has the paso doble, and he kills it. Fierce and effortless. Oh my god, little Kyle is all growned up.

 
The judges: Len: “You are a star. In 11 seasons I don't think anyone has ever come out and performed with so much attack, so much enthusiasm.” Bruno: “Look at you—so strong, so sharp, so masculine. Whatever happens, you are Season 11’s Mr. Charisma.” Carrie Ann: “You know who you remind me of right now? Remember a guy called Emmit Smith?”

The score: 29

Will Bristol finally go home tonight?

RESULTS UPDATE: Jennifer's in... Kyle's in (yay!)... So it's between Brandy and Bristol. Oh, the suspense. The fear, the dread. And... Brandy's out. It's official. This show is so rigged. I'm out too.

POST-RESULTS UPDATE: A Wisconsin man shot his TV when Bristol got through. People are pissed!