Last night's episode, which contained more filler than Janice Dickinson's, Renee Zellweger's and Madonna's faces combined, hit an all-time season low. So I guess it's in with a whimper and out an even sadder whimper for IACGMOOH-US. And it's no big surprise. With low-grade celebrities coming and going like Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom at Bar Marmont, IACGMOOH never found its rhythm, it didn't know which way to turn. It was a show made up of recaps and insta-flashback montages, with a few random challenges squeezed in between.
So here we are, it's the penultimate episode, and we kick off with, yes, a recap of the night before: Stephen Baldwin the quitter, fake showmance, bug cocktails, Holly goes home. And two more go home tonight! Here's Damien and Myleene, our comely hosts, live in the jungle, chirpy and wide-eyed and a little desperate to drum up some enthusiasm. Myleene's wearing a fetching little coral.... Holy cow, what happened to her hair? She is channeling the Bride of Frankenstein tonight. This is not a good look for her.
They promise us we've got a nail-biter coming up. But first... Let's hang out with the campers as they sit around the campfire and reminisce about their favorite moments and how they've been jungle-transformed.
Great, yet another opportunity to watch sepia-toned scenes we've already seen. The only compelling moment here is when John Long Tall Salley recounts how he found his soul in the river as well as his new BFF Patti Blah-go. Cut to Long Tall lotusing atop the waterfall episode, eyes closed, as Patti slithers soundlessly to his side, like a pigtailed river snake. It's quite hilarious—I have to rewind that bit and watch again.
Hey, it's our friends, the ants with fern. Cut to Lou Diamond Phillips and his granny glasses; he announces: "I need everyone on the benches, please!" Who named him camp leader again? We have a bald-faced product placement segment: Heads up, everybody, the good folks at Colgate think we need to freshen up! Here are some new Colgate Wisp dry toothbrushes, which come in lots of yummy fruit flavors. Everyone oohs and aahs on cue, like they just got lollipops from the dentist. "That’s sweet, Colgate!" yells Long Tall. Good celebrities! Contract fulfilled.
The big finale tomorrow night is teased. Yay, all the people we didn't care about enought to vote for will be back—can't wait! Most of them just left a minute ago, so where's the suspense? Back to camp. Scroll! Long Tall is leader again. He announces the next food trial, Catch a Crawling Star. The campers file over the jungle bridge and head to the Jungle Clearing. "Let’s to get 'em buckaroo!" cheers LouDi. "Arrgghh, harrrr harrrrr!" growls Long Tall. "No, that's a pirate," corrects Uncle Lou. Heh!
There's a cable strung a few feet over the river with five hanging flags. I'm sorry but this is a doddle compared to the challenges in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Torrie has a sudden fear fit, though, crying sweet, pretty tears. She's all scared because she's tired, or something. They go in pairs, Torrie and Long Tall first. They straddle the cable in the most awkward and unflattering position imaginable. Long Tall hurls himself across, but won't take his last flag until the lagging Torrie catches up. Where did that benevolent team spirit suddenly spring from? Maybe the river really did change him.
LouDi and Sanji go next. Sanji makes like Tinkerbell on that cable, ha ha Lou, you didn't win for once, suck it. And then there's Patti. Whoops, they've run out of pairs already. Why in the world did they bother with that? Patti goes solo, and the editors try to fake us that she’s doing a kick-ass job. So do the campmates, who are all "Look at her go!" "She's a fighter!" They pity poor Patti, who flips upside down and starts dropping her flags. Yeah, she’s toast. Sanji and John win. Torrie shows off a stomach as flat as an ironing board.
Quick-cut montage of the remaining five all saying, I will not lose this, I will not lose this, I will not lose this. Since when did everybody stop using the contraction? This has been going on for a quite a while with Generation Valleyspeak—seemingly overnight, it wasn't "don't speak to me", it was "do NOT speak to me." And, as if to prove my point, on comes that super-annoying Verizon Wireless ad, probably the most annoying of Verizon's entire oeuvre of annoying ads, where that fat guy says to his smug-couple friends showing of their new phone, "One thing I do NOT need is a new phone" and then says in his head, "Do NOT set that down, I WILL take it."Like some copywriter seized on that particular vocal trend 10 years after the fact, hammered it into his script and instructed the director, "He WILL say the line like this."
After this extra-super-annoying break, which, obviously, I didn't fast-forward over fast enough, we get one of the dumbest filler segments so far this season, and that IS saying something: The campmates give each other awards. Fast-forward!
We're live. Damien is in camp to deliver the first blow of the hour, working his dramatic pauses. "Torrie… yewww ….. .....are safe." Yay! I want her to win. "Lou……. yewwww ……. ....... Are also safe." Yeah, yeah, come on. "Okay, guys, the first person leaving the jungle… tonight...... is......." Patti, it's Patti, come on, say Patti... "Sanjaya!" Hey! That actually caught me by surprise. Although I had a hunch last night, when he danced his little wood-nymph dance as the credits rolled, that he might have tried the patience of his fan base. Maybe the showmance pushed them over the edge. Life lesson for Sanjaya: Pick a side and stick to it.
Sanji takes a seat with Myleene and her horror-show hairdo. She is a gorgeous girl but even she can't pull this frightwig off. She milks the showmance angle, clutching at straws, desperate to eeke out a storyline, any storyline, and Sanji plays along. Contract fulfilled! We cut to confessional clips of the campmates testifying to their love for Sanji. Wait. Is this live too? When did they film and edit this part? Did everyone have to record a pre-emptive testimonial for each and every remaining campmate the day before? It doesn't matter at this late stage, I give up trying to figure out this stuff. Sanji dissolves in tears, it looks like entire face is watering.
We're live again, or still live, whatever, and it's between John and Patti. And it's..... Patti. About bloody time! Bye, Patti, don't let the bridge hit you on the way out! I'm sorry, but I don't like her, never did. There is something very odd about her, like she isn't comfortable in her own skin. She's all awkward, nervous energy. And it's not good energy. Plus, she's got that flat midwestern-sounding Soccer Mom voice, you know, that sounds like there's always a saliva bubble in the throat.
Patti fairly sprints across that bridge, not looking back once. She gets her testimonial. She Soccer-Moms her debrief. And I do NOT care what she has to say.
And now there are three. And it's all gonna happen tomorrow night. Why do I feel so painfully underwhelmed? "You do NOT want to miss it!" insists Damien. No, Damien. We do NOT!
photos courtesy of nbc.com
