So this, everybody, is the must-have shoe of the season.
Women are sacrificing their newborns to get a pair. Waiting lists are a mile long. It always amazes me that women are so willing to put their name on waiting lists for fashion items—it's the biggest cliché ever. So Sex and the City Season 2.
I have a thing about super-high heels like this. I see women wibbling preciously along on the streets in their stiletto heels looking so… compromised. It’s not easy to walk with all your weight shifted onto the ball of your foot. I always hear that you get used to it but really high heels always make my feet hurt and, call me crazy, but I hate being in unnecessary pain. I also like to get from A to B without too many complications. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my stupid high heels when I'm navigating cracks and grates and cobblestones and unexpected shifts in pavement heights and angles. I’ve been known to lose it out there in a completely flat shoe.
However, millions of women seem to think that wearing stilettos is powerful and sexy and an absolutely mandatory part of being a woman. As a fashion writer rhapsodizes in the New York Post today: “…there’s something confident, gutsy and cool about a girl who can get that high.” Oh please. How about “slavish, gullible and vain?” Except not vain enough, apparently: Super-high heels might look sexy, but they really, really fuck up your feet. Just look at serial stilettoists Sarah Jessica Parker and Victoria Beckham, who both have the ugliest, buniony, bulgy-veined feet you’ve ever seen. “Granny feet,” Posh calls them. There's even a rumor that SJP’s feet are so funky, she had to have her feet digitally altered in Failure to Launch. She once tore several tendons in her foot after running in heels, yet still chirped, “I’ll never give them up!”
Well I guess she can’t, she’s about 4’11”. But honestly, why
would anyone knowingly do this to themselves? How different is risking deformity for the sake of looking “hot” from the archaic Chinese
practice of foot-binding? I reckon the must-have sky-high heel trend is one of the meanest jokes gay fashion
designers have ever played on women. “Let’s make a six-inch heel with a
two-inch platform and watch them claw each others' eyes out for it. Haha, bitches!” I mean, they
don’t have to wear them. Not in public, anyway.
The other day, a writer for the Daily Mail bought a pair of the new Yves
Saint Lauren It Shoe to road-test. A male shop assistant "purred" that they made her look sexy and assures her that she could “dance all
night in them.” Yeah, he'd know. He totally lies about how the ratio of platform to heel makes it super comfy. Look at that vertiginous drop. That is pain, sister. Still, Miss Daily Mail believes every word. Sucker.
I guess these shoes are fine if you're one of those people whose feet never ever touch pavement and you never ever have to stand and you’re escorted or perhaps even carried around on all your nights out. And, why, darling, they’d be just fabulous for the red carpet. But for anyone who's not a celebrity, model, trophy wife or Anna Wintour to get off on the idea that she's so cool to get that high? Not very clever. The only way to wear this shoe is when you’re on your back. For once, Miss Fergie-Ferg gets it right.
I admit it, I'm watching Dancing With the Stars, and I must say I find something deeply disturbing about Heather Mills. She's just creepy, with her gaunt, wonky face—which, unnervingly, slopes downwards to the left, the same side as her fake leg—and her
skinny 13-year-old’s frame somehow supporting her big "glamour model" tits. Her smile looks
spectacularly forced, like an afterthought, and the tombstone teeth don't help, either. Maybe they're the cause of her mangled accent? Which also sounds fake, like she's dumbing it down to seem even more humble. And her determination to get her dancing right is just so, I don't know, aggressive. Maybe she should have been cast in Grindhouse instead of Rose MacGowan.