It’s Rock Week, the set is decorated with castoffs from the last KISS reunion tour, and we’ve got two hours to fill so we begin with Viewers’ Top 10 Favorite Dances Of All Time. As one of the 3.6 percent of DWTS' 20 million viewers who prefer not to watch the show live so that we can skip through the ads and all of Brooke Burke’s mind-numbingly repetitive Q&As, I’m sorely tempted to fast forward through this. But then I get sucked in because, oh look, there’s Apolo Ohno—who scores 2 out of the 10 favorite dances of all time, I had no idea he was so popular; the staggeringly gorgeous Giles Marini; and wee Drew Lachey, remember him? Plus, we get a nostalgic flashback to Cheryl Burke’s old face.
The biggest takeaway from this segment, however, is that by comparison, this season’s dancers are a pretty lame bunch. And here they come, filing down the staircase looking like extras from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, except for Bristol, who’s dressed for a summer revival of The Music Man. Jennifer Grey, as usual, shimmies her ass off during the opening pan, and I’m getting a little tired of it, to tell you the truth.
Up first:
Audrina
LES: Bruno’s “Don’t be plastic, be fantastic” quip is still ringing in little Drina’s ears after her remote rhumba last week and now she’s got to pull off another passionate dance, the paso doble. Can she muster some emotion behind those dead eyes and that frozen face? Also: “My boobs are in the way,” she cries. Wow, all that plastic surgery is really paying off.
On the floor: Technically she seems fine, but the face shows less emotion than Ludwig van Beethoven's death mask. Plus, she’s doing that thing again where she stares at Tony, hard, throughout the dance, following his every move and feeding off his energy instead of generating her own. It’s strangely vampiric and robotic at the same time.
The judges: Len complains that she’s getting on his nerves because “you’ve got the potential to blow us all away week after week” but her dancing “lacks the character.” Bruno agrees and suggests that for a Latin dance, she needs to channel the Evas Mendez or Longoria. Carrie Ann also agrees, but, “the improvement you’ve shown from Week 1 is ridiculous” and advises her to master “the intention.”
The score: 24
Kyle
LES: Last week Kyle got trashed by Bruno and Len, and he’s slipped from second from the top to second to last. So he practices at home with his brother, who’s wearing a ladies’ top.
On the floor. Kyle is a one big hunk of determination this week. Their tango is fierce, if a bit stompy, but I’m not sure how else it could be done to this great thumping song he and Lacey are stuck with.
The judges: Bruno: “You’re all grown up, all macho!” Carrie Ann loves how he puts the “Kyle stamp” on everything he does and adds, “The carriage was amazing this week.” Len: “I’m not gonna sack you, I’m gonna back you tonight.”
The scores: 23
Jennifer
LES: Little Miss No. 1 threw a hissy fit with partner Derek last week and her pissiness showed in her dance, so she tumbled to second place. Now she’s made all nice with Derek again and hurls herself into mastering the paso doble.
On the floor: It starts well but suddenly, disaaster. There’s a lot of rapid twirling involved and Jennifer gets dizzy and starts teetering like a drunken ballerina. She and Derek are both thrown off balance and totally screw up the big finish. (We even get an instant replay of their fuck-ups, it was that bad.)
And look, there’s BFF Jamie Lee Curtis and Jigsaw! Oh, beg pardon, that’s Melanie Griffiths.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “You need to calm down a little bit. Something is going terribly wrong and you’re going downhill. It was a rough, rough ride. “Len: “You got the attack, the aggression, the attitude” but “you lost a bit of the control.” Bruno: “That was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown!” He asks her to “tone it down a little bit.”
The scores: 20. A series low.
Rick Fox
LES: Two weeks in a row he’s been told to turn up the heat. He’s got the tango and he’s analyzing every single step now. Cheryl is not amused.
On the floor: There’s something a little scary about Rick tonight, and it’s not just his skunky mohawk, goth makeup and long beaded frock-coat that could belong to one of the ladies from Heart. The height difference between him and Cheryl is especially jarring this time: He looks like Frankenstein dancing with a rag doll. Still, Audrina could learn a thing or two about getting into character from this guy: The Fox has no fear on that front.
The judges: Len: “I thought you did an excellent job.” Bruno was scared: “It was like a Mohican on the warpath, I thought you were going to scalp her in the end!” Carrie Ann cautions him not to look so stern, but “I thought you balanced it perfectly.”
The scores: 24
Bristol
LES: Can Bristol live down the monkey-suit fiasco and rise from the bottom of the leader board? Will doing some air guitar during the tango prove she’s got a personality behind that dull exterior and those flat vowels?
On the floor: Well, well, what's this? Something’s changed about our little Bristol this week. She’s all business, and she’s actually projecting. And she doesn’t mess up once.
The judges: Bruno: “You’re all woman tonight! Best performance and best technique up to date.” Carrie Ann: “That was ridiculously amazing! Who are YOU?” Len: “Last week a chimp, almost a champ.” But he’s subtracting a point for the air guitar because they broke a rule: You’re not supposed to break the hold during a tango.
The scores: 23
Kurt
LES: He’s got to do the paso doble and break out his wild side. So Bret Michaels—who else?—comes to the rescue with a crash course on how to be a rock ’n’ roll asshole. I mean, badass.
On the floor: Kurt breaks out the frying pan hands again, but I guess the guy can’t help it. He tries to bring the badass, but the performance is typically underwhelming.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “It wasn’t polished and it didn’t come together tonight.” Len: “You looked awkward doing it, I felt awkward watching it.” Bruno: “You looked like you were doing karate instead of spanish dances. “
The scores: 18
Brandy
LES: Brandy’s at the top of the leader board and she’s feeling the pressure. The tango is super-hard to learn. She has a great big cleansing cry.
On the floor: She kills it. There’s nothing else to say.
The judges: Len praises Max, for some odd reason, telling him: “You’re my hero... The dance of the night.” Bruno saw the Tina Turner in Brandy: “Now, that tango REALLY rocked.” Carrie Ann: “I had goosebumps all over my arms because it was like watching somebody who had been through a really tough time really truly develop their wings and fly.”
The scores: 26
The marathon: Everyone looks like they're trying out for the high-school dance scene from Grease. I’m not comfortable with this marathon gimmick. It reminds me too much of They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, one of the most depressing movies ever made. Brandy wins.
Who will go home tonight? I say Kurt.
UPDATE: Wrong again: It's Audrina. Now that I think of it, it makes sense. No one from her demo would be compelled to watch this show in real time and to vote. I can barely bring myself to watch it on the same night, and yes, I admit it, I don't vote either. So long, Audrina, we hardly knew ya.
