I’m Not a Cat Lady

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 21: You Will NOT Lose Interest in This Show

Last night's episode, which contained more filler than Janice Dickinson's, Renee Zellweger's and Madonna's faces combined, hit an all-time season low. So I guess it's in with a whimper and out an even sadder whimper for IACGMOOH-US. And it's no big surprise. With low-grade celebrities coming and going like Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom at Bar Marmont, IACGMOOH never found its rhythm, it didn't know which way to turn. It was a show made up of recaps and insta-flashback montages, with a few random challenges squeezed in between.

So here we are, it's the penultimate episode, and we kick off with, yes, a recap of the night before: Stephen Baldwin the quitter, fake showmance, bug cocktails, Holly goes home. And two more go home tonight! Here's Damien and Myleene, our comely hosts, live in the jungle, chirpy and wide-eyed and a little desperate to drum up some enthusiasm. Myleene's wearing a fetching little coral.... Holy cow, what happened to her hair? She is channeling the Bride of Frankenstein tonight. This is not a good look for her.

They promise us we've got a nail-biter coming up. But first... Let's hang out with the campers as they sit around the campfire and reminisce about their favorite moments and how they've been jungle-transformed.

Great, yet another opportunity to watch sepia-toned scenes we've already seen. The only compelling moment here is when John Long Tall Salley recounts how he found his soul in the river as well as his new BFF Patti Blah-go. Cut to Long Tall lotusing atop the waterfall episode, eyes closed, as Patti slithers soundlessly to his side, like a pigtailed river snake. It's quite hilarious—I have to rewind that bit and watch again.

Hey, it's our friends, the ants with fern. Cut to Lou Diamond Phillips and his granny glasses; he announces: "I need everyone on the benches, please!" Who named him camp leader again? We have a bald-faced product placement segment: Heads up, everybody, the good folks at Colgate think we need to freshen up! Here are some new Colgate Wisp dry toothbrushes, which come in lots of yummy fruit flavors. Everyone oohs and aahs on cue, like they just got lollipops from the dentist. "That’s sweet, Colgate!" yells Long Tall. Good celebrities! Contract fulfilled.

The big finale tomorrow night is teased. Yay, all the people we didn't care about enought to vote for will be back—can't wait! Most of them just left a minute ago, so where's the suspense? Back to camp. Scroll! Long Tall is leader again. He announces the next food trial, Catch a Crawling Star. The campers file over the jungle bridge and head to the Jungle Clearing. "Let’s to get 'em buckaroo!" cheers LouDi. "Arrgghh, harrrr harrrrr!" growls Long Tall. "No, that's a pirate," corrects Uncle Lou. Heh!

There's a cable strung a few feet over the river with five hanging flags. I'm sorry but this is a doddle compared to the challenges in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Torrie has a sudden fear fit, though, crying sweet, pretty tears. She's all scared because she's tired, or something. They go in pairs, Torrie and Long Tall first. They straddle the cable in the most awkward and unflattering position imaginable. Long Tall hurls himself across, but won't take his last flag until the lagging Torrie catches up. Where did that benevolent team spirit suddenly spring from? Maybe the river really did change him.

LouDi and Sanji go next. Sanji makes like Tinkerbell on that cable, ha ha Lou, you didn't win for once, suck it. And then there's Patti. Whoops, they've run out of pairs already. Why in the world did they bother with that? Patti goes solo, and the editors try to fake us that she’s doing a kick-ass job. So do the campmates, who are all "Look at her go!" "She's a fighter!" They pity poor Patti, who flips upside down and starts dropping her flags. Yeah, she’s toast. Sanji and John win. Torrie shows off a stomach as flat as an ironing board.

Quick-cut montage of the remaining five all saying, I will not lose this, I will not lose this, I will not lose this. Since when did everybody stop using the contraction? This has been going on for a quite a while with Generation Valleyspeak—seemingly overnight, it wasn't "don't speak to me", it was "do NOT speak to me." And, as if to prove my point, on comes that super-annoying Verizon Wireless ad, probably the most annoying of Verizon's entire oeuvre of annoying ads, where that fat guy says to his smug-couple friends showing of their new phone, "One thing I do NOT need is a new phone" and then says in his head, "Do NOT set that down, I WILL take it."Like some copywriter seized on that particular vocal trend 10 years after the fact, hammered it into his script and instructed the director, "He WILL say the line like this." 

After this extra-super-annoying break, which, obviously, I didn't fast-forward over fast enough, we get one of the dumbest filler segments so far this season, and that IS saying something: The campmates give each other awards. Fast-forward!

We're live. Damien is in camp to deliver the first blow of the hour, working his dramatic pauses. "Torrie… yewww ….. .....are safe." Yay! I want her to win.  "Lou……. yewwww ……. ....... Are also safe."  Yeah, yeah, come on. "Okay, guys, the first person leaving the jungle… tonight...... is......." Patti, it's Patti, come on, say Patti... "Sanjaya!" Hey! That actually caught me by surprise. Although I had a hunch last night, when he danced his little wood-nymph dance as the credits rolled, that he might have tried the patience of his fan base. Maybe the showmance pushed them over the edge. Life lesson for Sanjaya: Pick a side and stick to it.

Sanji takes a seat with Myleene and her horror-show hairdo. She is a gorgeous girl but even she can't pull this frightwig off. She milks the showmance angle, clutching at straws, desperate to eeke out a storyline, any storyline, and Sanji plays along. Contract fulfilled! We cut to confessional clips of the campmates testifying to their love for Sanji. Wait. Is this live too? When did they film and edit this part? Did everyone have to record a pre-emptive testimonial for each and every remaining campmate the day before? It doesn't matter at this late stage, I give up trying to figure out this stuff. Sanji dissolves in tears, it looks like entire face is watering.

We're live again, or still live, whatever, and it's between John and Patti. And it's..... Patti. About bloody time! Bye, Patti, don't let the bridge hit you on the way out! I'm sorry, but I don't like her, never did. There is something very odd about her, like she isn't comfortable in her own skin. She's all awkward, nervous energy. And it's not good energy. Plus, she's got that flat midwestern-sounding Soccer Mom voice, you know, that sounds like there's always a saliva bubble in the throat.

Patti fairly sprints across that bridge, not looking back once. She gets her testimonial. She Soccer-Moms  her debrief. And I do NOT care what she has to say.

And now there are three. And it's all gonna happen tomorrow night. Why do I feel so painfully underwhelmed? "You do NOT want to miss it!" insists Damien. No, Damien. We do NOT!

photos courtesy of nbc.com

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Day 15: Are John Salley and Patti Blago Hooking Up?

IACGMOOH continues to outdo itself by hitting a new season low every night—but, like the night before, all reality shows are having a case of the summertime blues. Go figure.

Onto the episode. "AMERICA," the screen shouts, "YOU DECIDE" … oh, whatever. Our hosts Myleene, in a fetching pink satin nightie, and Damien, in something unremarkable, greet us LIVE from "the muggy and buggy rainforest," which Myleene pronounces "moogy and boogy" in her delightful Norfolk accent that sometimes sounds a little Australian to me.

A quick recap of previous episode's big climax: Whom do you choose to keep safe, Mr. John Salley? "Myself." We see Janice Dickinson in the background, giving him the horse-eye. In the confessional, she basically accuses him of being a selfish fascist pig. The others sit around going, Wow, how could he do that? Patti's all, "I was kinda hoping, you know?" Hoping for what—that Long Tall would throw the whole game for her? Wise up already. It wasn't Patti's skinny white ass on the bottom two last week: it was John's. What kind of a sucker move would it be if he chose to keep her safe? Nevertheless, Long Tall feels guilty. He hangs his head and mixes his metaphors: "I showed my hand. I made my chess move."

We’re given the voting numbers again and Damien beseeches us a little desperately, Come on y'all, call! It can't be going well.

Next Damien fills us in on what's been happening in camp: "The Big Man is enjoying the Big Job." We see Long Tall sitting atop his plush king's bed, lotusing. He's an early riser, and he wants the  campmates to rise and shine when he does. Seems “the elders” wake up early and old lady Janice and the young’uns enjoy a lie-in. Long Tall wakes up J-Dick in a manner that would thrill me to pieces:  He bends over her and murmurs, “Get your sexy ass up.” J-Dick, of course gets all bent about it. "I was rudely woken up by Salley this morning," she bitches. Stephen Baldwin tries to assure her that he was far from rude, but she's not having it. "She kind of processes things a liiiiiitle differently," Stevie B. understates.

J-Dick then tells Stevie B. how she dreamt that Torrie had shaved off her hair—that would be J-Dick's hair, not Torrie's—and that she ran into the river and was drowning. Stevie B. springs into Good Reverend mode, licking his chops at the prospect of delivering J-Dick's ravaged carcass at the feet of our Almighty Lord God Jesus Christ. Good luck with that!

He analyzes her dream with the insight of a five-year-old: "Maybe there’s an aspect of your life that you feel like you’re drowning?" This strikes a J-Dick nerve and she starts sobbing. "That was deep," she chokes. "I don't want to be who I am." She fiercely applies deodorant as she shares this. As you do when you're discussing matters of life and death.

Stevie B. is touched. "She's growing on me," he tells Long Tall. "Like a fungus," Long Tall quips.

Now it's time to delve into Torrie's psyche. She feels lonely in the crowd. She can't believe she has 8 more days to go in this camp. Neither can I—I thought this thing was only going to last three weeks, what's going on? Torrie shares that she's missing her family and missing being naked. Oooooh-kay. I think she's trying to drive up her voting base.

There's yet another peurile task that involving sketching that isn't worth recounting. But it leads deftly into the Big Tease of the Night: Patti and John. Are they hooking up? Oh. As. If!

It’s food trial time. There’s a shot of Torrie and her massive jugs. Then a cruel cut to Patti looking, well,  haggard. The two teams deliberate. Stevie B. wants to step up for the boys, and they don't have a problem with that. J-Dick volunteers with her usual grace: "Me. Me. Me. I wanna do it. Didn't you hear me? Me." The girls are understandably skeptical. "Do you feel good?" asks Patti. "Doesn’t matter how I feel. I said me," J-Dick barks. There is no discussion, only barking. Torrie can't take it and walks away.

So it's Long Tall and Stevie B. against J-Dick and Patti. The prize is Chinese takeaway. "Holy moly!" yells J-Dick.

The trial involves ropes strung up like a spider's web with each team harnessed together. The goal is to retrieve flags. Not stars? I can't keep up. As the ladies set off, J-Dick belches. "I think that was my breakfast," she informs everyone. Does this woman really have no control over her bodily functions at all? I don't want to know how she'll behave after a Chinese meal. The girls do fine, but of course the boys do better, making like a double-backed Spiderman. They win by 2 minutes.

J-Dick is pissed. It's the show's fault they lost, she whines! It wasn't an even match! She sulks by the river. Everyone bitches about her bad attitude. Then the boys gloat over their triumph and another goddamn teaser about Patti and John. Which you know isn't going to pay off.

Back from the break. Here we go! It's the big teaser reveal. Holly assures us, "Patti and John, they’re definitely inseparable." Some shots of them sitting together, cooking together, la-di-dah. Then Long Tall stares accusingly into the ConfessionCam. "Patti, I can’t be friends with you because you’re not of the male race. That’s not cool."  No it's not, John. Can't we all just get along?

J-Dick bitches very bitchily about how she caught them chatting at 5 in the morning. "What the f--- can anyone talk about at 5 in the morning, huddling and chatting sitting in front of the fire?" You, J-Dick. They're talking about you. And everybody else in camp. Patti provides a seriously judgmental running commentary about all the other campmates while Long Tall concurs—"yyyup, uh-huh, yeah, I know!" So much for Mrs. Innocent—politics is so evil, everyone is so mean, they all talked behind our backs, we didn't do anything, you have no idea. Boy has she blown it. I can't wait to see her ass sent home tonight.

Next: A bit of filler in which Long Tall bullies Sanji about his cooking. Then, a pre-ad promo. Oh my eyes, it’s Spencer and his hideous ginger face pubes, and his prematurely botoxed wife. Why do we still have to see them? They're gone, NBC! END it already!

We're live. Everybody sits around the camp speculating about what’s going to happen Thursday. Excuse me, but we need something to actually happen, not a bunch of airtime devoted to talking about what’s going  to happen. Long Tall bloviates about chess and family, mixing his metaphors again.

A crocodile turns on its own tail. I know how it feels.

The hosts enter camp. "Hi Mom!" chirps Holly. Huh? Damien recaps Long Tall’s decision to protect himself, making it the third time we’ve been over this. "I came here to win," Long Tall says, making it about 10th time we've heard it. Okay, now that we're perfectly clear about that? "We're here to give you a little bit of news about how American has been voting," wide-eyes Myleene.

"Oh myaaannnnn!" rasps J-Dick.

The votes are extremely close. Here, let Damien explain: "Last time the bottom 5 were separated by less than 3 percent of the vote and the bottom 2 separated by less than 1 percent." Translation: We're only getting about 12 votes a week.

Myleene drops a couple of teaser-bombs. "Janice, you're not in the top 2." J-Dick's like, Huh wha—? "Patti, you're not in the bottom 2." Oh crap. You mean she might not be leaving tonight? I don't care if she belches and pees on everything—I'd rater watch J-Dick than Patti Blah-go any day. Damien pleads with us to vote.  Gay Nation, that means you!

Photos courtesy of nbc.com