Audrina was booted off last week and in case you missed it, her mother Lynn delivered a priceless drunken rant about it to the HollywoodTV cameras, slurring that “Audrina is going to f***ing rise. She's got class.” She also took the opportunity to call all of her daughter’s costars from The Hills “tramps.” With a loose-cannon mother like that, no wonder Drina has learned to keep her emotions under wraps.
Now, on with this week's episode. Dancing With the Stars kicked off five years ago (is that all? Feels like 10) and tonight it’s the 200th episode. And, Tom Bergeron promises, “the drama is as intense as it’s ever been.” What a pity: I was so hoping he’d come on and say, “This week? Not much drama!” Wouldn't that be a twist?
But, no, this week’s twist is one big homage to the Ghosts of Seasons Past, presented in two rounds. In Round 1, the remaining six contestants are split into two teams. Each is captained by former DWTS champions/Olympic gold medalists Kristi Yamaguchi and Apolo Ohno, who are introduced among flutes of steam and sweeping kleig lights, Iron Chef-style. The collective scores will be added to each individual’s score and yada yada, the numbers will be big.
First up is Team Kristi: Rick, Sarah, Kyle
In our first Lowered Expectations Sequence of the night: They’re doing freestyle and, omigod, that means they have to do solos. Bristol, once again, has to be coached into sexing it up and Rick’s struggles with his enormous frame.
On the floor: It's quickly apparent how much the stars need their partners to make them look good. Poor Bristol stumbles aimlessly while flanked by Lacey and Cheryl, who are whipping their bodies into a mad froth of cha cha frenzy. Paired up with Mark at last, she pulls an unfortunate Snooki duckface in place of attitude and planks it through most of the dance with a few token shimmies thrown in. Rick, on the other hand, rocks it thanks to Cheryl, who gyrates enough for the both of them, frankly. But Kyle and Lacey own this one: He’s as loose and fluid as a drain snake.
The judges: Len points out that this lot are the underdogs but “I gotta say you dogs got bite.” Bruno thinks Rick kicked it off brilliantly, but he was let down by Bristol, calling her a “fish out of water”. Carrie Ann says she’s never seen Rick on fire like that. No one mentions Kyle, which completely mystifies me.
The score: 24
Team Apolo: Kurt, Brandy and Jennifer
LES: Kurt’s out of his league, for a change; Jennifer’s tired and needs to take a break every two hours; and Maks, as per, bullies Brandy.
On the floor: As the song commands him to “bust a move,” Kurt pulls some strange dopey moves and faces; Brandy comes flying out the gate, a whirling dervish of hair and arms, and does her trademark opening-sequence shimmy while holding a right-angle backbend; poor tired 50-year-old Jennifer does the splits. This girl needs to shut up and stop whingeing.
The judges: Bruno: “Your hips don’t lie, Brandy, and you, Jennifer, you slinky siren—back on top, love it.” Carrie Ann: “Very tight, very crisp.” Len: “Individually you all upped your game.”
The score: 27
Round 2
More blasts from the past. Each couple must reinterpret an “iconic” dance from previous seasons, judged by the former star who performed it.
Kyle
The dance: The paso doble as perf0rmed by Mel B.
(This was an iconic dance? I’m sorry, but Mel stumbles. It doesn’t look so great to me.)
LES: Lacey helpfully points out, “It’s a tough, aggressive dance—things that Kyle really is not.” Plus, Kyle’s got to channel Maks, Mel’s partner. Some hope.
On the floor: Even though his outfit says marching band more that bullfighter, Kyle is one determined little guy. He pretty much nails it, but it's kind of obvious that he’s acting his way through the dance rather than really feeling it.
The judges: Len: "That was your best dance.” Mel: “You blew me away, and you were very sexy.” Bruno: “You had the attack and the energy of an untamed young bull” but “you’ve gotta keep your shoulders down.” Carrie Ann: “When Mel performed it, she was in her own strength; I think you did exactly the same thing.”
The score: 59 out of 70
Kurt
The dance: The tango as performed by Emmitt Smith.
Emmitt was a standout—it was so gratifying to watch this strong, stocky man float like Fred Astaire. He was the master of defying expectations.
LES: Emmitt’s the only football player to win, so Kurt takes this as inspiration. Unfortunately, unlike Emmitt, Kurt’s very heavy on his feet. He’s annoyed when Anna insists “it’s not hard,” so he takes her on the field to show her that Look, here’s something I’M really good at that YOU can’t do, so there.
On the floor: They both come out with their fingers cocked a la James Bond for some reason. This, I guess, is the “character” part. They do a passable job. I’m not sensing much passion here, though: It looks more like a waltz with a few fancy steps thrown in.
The judges: Bruno: “You went from last week Mission Impossible to this week Mission Accomplished” but he adds that Kurt needs to watch his neck. Carrie Ann says there was an authoritative tone in his posture that she hasn’t seen before. Emmitt: “You look perfect, you’re dapper, you look good, your technique was excellent.” Len: “It was sharp, it had drama” but “you’ve got to learn the difference between flexed knees and bent knees.” Don’t we all.
The score: 57
Bristol
The dance: The Viennese Waltz as performed by Kelly Osbourne .
“This show has changed my life so much,” gushes Kelly. It sure has: New body, new hair, new level of stardom. Suddenly, Kelly is a style icon and America’s darling. And her dance was incredibly charming—she was genuinely having a great time.
LES: Against the odds, Bristol's still here but she’s got to keep improving. And she has to smile and look like she’s lost in the moment and loving it, like Kelly did.
On the floor: You just can’t fake this stuff: Bristol looks very nervous and her smile is a rictus grin. Her frock is a lovely, flattering shade of peach, however.
The judges: Carrie Ann: “You come in and out like a beautiful swan back into a pigeon that’s kind of like lost.” Kelly concedes that Bristol “had big shoes to fill” (humble much?) and “you did fantastic.” Len: “I enjoyed it very much; nice footwork” but “you still lack a little bit of chemistry together.” Bruno: You’re a natural mover” but “you can ignite a little bit more.”
The score: 57
Rick
The dance: The quickstep as performed by Helio Castroneves.
Who's this guy?
LES: Rick has to look like he’s having fun, like Helio, who dressed up in a banana-yellow suit as Jim Carrey in The Mask. So he has his hot girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, come in to help him unleash his fun, goofy side. Well color me surprised. I had no idea the gorgeous girl who’s been cheering Rick on from the audience every week was Eliza Dushku. I don’t watch Dollhouse, though, so how would I know? She’s one of those actress’s whose name I recognize but whose face rings no bells at all.
On the floor: I thought they were supposed to reinterpret, not recreate. Rick simply swaps Helio’s oversize yellow suit for a green one. Still, the dance is fun, if a little too goofy.
The judges: Len: “You came out full throttle, it was good.” Bruno: “It was like the Indie 500... You did your best performance.” Helio congratulates Cheryl for putting a lot of his dance into it, so really ends up congratulating himself. Carrie Ann: “By far your best.”
The score: 61
Brandy
The dance: The foxtrot as performed by Gilles Marini.
Gilles Marini is best known for displaying his manhood in the first Sex and the City movie and, as I recall, an impressive manhood it was. His foxtrot was also pretty damn hot.
LES: Brandy’s topped the leader board for two weeks now. She’s had a lot of failure, so she really, really wants to win. For this dance she has to be all hot and steamy and Maks is making her shy. Oh, yeah, she definitely has a mad crush.
On the floor: Her costume is a knockout and the leopard print gloves are a fabulous touch. For all her coy giggling backstage, Brandy turns up the heat every week: Their dance is practically nuclear.
The judges: Bruno: “That was a foxtrot sizzling with sex” but
“there was a mistake.” Gilles got goosebumps: “That performance was unreal.” Carrie Ann saw the mistake too but gushes “You totally transitioned between elegance and beautiful hold, posture into ...” and she makes some suggestive guttural noises. Len is surprised everyone’s being so pedantic about a slight mistake when “we’ve just witnessed the most fantastic foxtrot...” The end of his sentence is drowned out by the roar of the crowd.
The score: 64
Jennifer
The dance: The tango as performed by wee Drew Lachey. Which only got three 10s.
LES: Jennifer was in the bottom two last week. And her body’s so tired. She’s bruised all over. She’s 50 years old! Jesus Christ, enough already: She’s like Sally O’Malley from Saturday Night Live. She cries and thinks her body might not make it to the end. This is her most depressing LES yet.
On the floor: Appropriately the song's refrain is "Shut up just shut up shut up" because, holy cow, the dance is flawless. Is this the same wreck we just saw blubbering about being 50?
The judges: Carrie Ann: “What no one loves more is to see someone come back after a really tough week and blow the doors out...” Out of what? We can’t hear for the cheering. Len: “I think all that frustration you vented in this tango. Really well done, welcome back.” Drew: “The musicality was amazing, your lines are beautiful. .. If you can make it a little bit longer, you got a real shot.” Bruno: “It’s was like watching a phoenix rising from her own ashes. More splendid than ever.”
The score: 64
Will Bristol finally go home tonight? Pretty please?
ELIMINATION UPDATE: Holy lord. Bristol is safe, again. Mama Grizzly must have the whole state repeat voting, that's all I can say.
It's down to Kyle and Rick, it should be neither, and... it's Rick. Wow. I'll miss this gorgeous man.
